Morning of regrets / "多年后我才醒悟，自己当时是错误的"

Today was a morning of regrets, continued from last night.

Regrets that I never listened to anyone questioning the practical side of my degree, easily gave up my ambition to become a chemist and world class translator and interpreter, never truly explored my interests in dance and graphic design and gained practical skills, wasted inordinate amounts of time on clubs and people who don't care for me and almost never took the initiative to actively seek out and communicate with those who did.

Regrets that I depended on a JET placement for two years in a row, applied for CIR twice, haven't sent in a copy of my passport or my FBI background check because I still feel slighted by the program.

Regrets that I didn't follow through and apply to Fudan before graduating, didn't stay in Shanghai after that hard wonderful three months, have let my Chinese fall back into suck and feel conflicted when I study or interact with the language in any way.

Regrets that I didn't listen to the yearnings for emotional stability that securing my place in HNC would have given, felt conflicted fear over the role Chinese would play in my life, for thinking it would not have been such a burden after all every time I see mom has sent money.

Regrets that I find and desperately try to stop myself from thinking I've added nothing to my resume in the past few months; that "all of this" was for naught, that nothing will work out.

Regrets that, I'm stuck where I am now as who I am, with no clear path in sight except to wait and apply to schools again.

War on Marriage

Forget the questions of gay marriage and women... I want to see a war on marriage itself!
I was thinking about an argument （討論）I had with Wen about a month ago and realized that the difference in tax rate and breaks for the single and married categories might be enough to push me to the dark side :\
So mad that 1) the tax model (at least in my head/the popular imagination) is based on a traditional single-income family model in a time when so-called non-traditional families are becoming the norm, and 2) there's all these incentives in place in the US for people to marry and have children in that traditional family style, when singles  -- those without the obligations and expenditures of the married who have more time and subsequently, more ability to contribute to society -- are punished monetarily for choosing a lifestyle outside of that. (No I don't mean debauchery; I mean to maximize the ability to spend my money on books, food, games, movies, learning and travel for myself.) Gonna have to find myself an egalitarian society and learn their language and customs.

Reflections of a CIR Alternate

A few days ago I realized that I severely overestimated the number of positions that open for CIR (by a factor of 3!), thus severely overestimating my chances of getting into the program. Part of me said "Damn! I should have just swallowed my pride and applied for an ALT position,"

But the possibly stronger part of me has resigned myself to applying for some really exciting jobs instead. Got two applications sent off tonight, feel accomplished. For retrospect I've applied to a total of 6 programs/opportunities, these 2 included (haha). I heard someone complaining (or maybe it was on the internet?) about how they applied to 10 places and didn't get a job; Just thinking about shuukatsu, and the number of companies that the average person applies to... it's mindboggling, and any dedication like that in the US would be met with success. Just gotta keep my head up and keep going, things will work out.

New postings specifically related to Japan aren't popping up that frequently anymore (in particular the once-burgeoning career option of legal translation seems to have all but dried up), but I have too realized that I need to expand my search terms on that end. A lot of the same jobs seem to pop up over and over again -__-;; and some days I really am tempted to apply to one of those random hotel jobs in Hawai'i just to go to the islands...

Tomorrow's a new day, with new deadlines. Next few are on the 11th!; we'll see if I ギリギリセーフ them next time as well...