Today was a morning of regrets, continued from last night.
Regrets that I never listened to anyone questioning the practical side of my degree, easily gave up my ambition to become a chemist and world class translator and interpreter, never truly explored my interests in dance and graphic design and gained practical skills, wasted inordinate amounts of time on clubs and people who don't care for me and almost never took the initiative to actively seek out and communicate with those who did.
Regrets that I depended on a JET placement for two years in a row, applied for CIR twice, haven't sent in a copy of my passport or my FBI background check because I still feel slighted by the program.
Regrets that I didn't follow through and apply to Fudan before graduating, didn't stay in Shanghai after that hard wonderful three months, have let my Chinese fall back into suck and feel conflicted when I study or interact with the language in any way.
Regrets that I didn't listen to the yearnings for emotional stability that securing my place in HNC would have given, felt conflicted fear over the role Chinese would play in my life, for thinking it would not have been such a burden after all every time I see mom has sent money.
Regrets that I find and desperately try to stop myself from thinking I've added nothing to my resume in the past few months; that "all of this" was for naught, that nothing will work out.
Regrets that, I'm stuck where I am now as who I am, with no clear path in sight except to wait and apply to schools again.
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