Morning of regrets / "多年后我才醒悟，自己当时是错误的"

Today was a morning of regrets, continued from last night.

Regrets that I never listened to anyone questioning the practical side of my degree, easily gave up my ambition to become a chemist and world class translator and interpreter, never truly explored my interests in dance and graphic design and gained practical skills, wasted inordinate amounts of time on clubs and people who don't care for me and almost never took the initiative to actively seek out and communicate with those who did.

Regrets that I depended on a JET placement for two years in a row, applied for CIR twice, haven't sent in a copy of my passport or my FBI background check because I still feel slighted by the program.

Regrets that I didn't follow through and apply to Fudan before graduating, didn't stay in Shanghai after that hard wonderful three months, have let my Chinese fall back into suck and feel conflicted when I study or interact with the language in any way.

Regrets that I didn't listen to the yearnings for emotional stability that securing my place in HNC would have given, felt conflicted fear over the role Chinese would play in my life, for thinking it would not have been such a burden after all every time I see mom has sent money.

Regrets that I find and desperately try to stop myself from thinking I've added nothing to my resume in the past few months; that "all of this" was for naught, that nothing will work out.

Regrets that, I'm stuck where I am now as who I am, with no clear path in sight except to wait and apply to schools again.

Racism in Japan and Mensetsu wo furikaete miru-ing

So I had a question about dealing with racism/discrimination during my interview.

At the time, I managed to break my reactions to "racism" into hostile and ignorance (=teachable moments) over the course of two questions. (Thus recovering from my first, oh I didn't really experience much! ahhhhhhhhh! moment when my response to the first question ended.)

But in my dream last night I was interviewing again, and remembered this story.

The most outward racism I ever experienced (=noticed) in Japan was not from a Japanese* person, but rather another international student.

There was one day a small, sweet-looking redheaded Korean girl wanted to check out my club. Sometime over the course of our interaction she looked at me dead in the eyes, and I realized she was very, very cute. She opened her mouth to speak.

"You're black, but you're not scary."

I was appalled and taken aback, silent until I had conquered the dissonance that told me no, those words could not possibly have been carried by such a sweet voice.

I had two options: pimp or educate.


Suppressing my natural inclinations, I chose to educate.

Soldiers on the bases in Korea would be scary, and the perceptions gathered via media certainly give that same impression for black people in general, but people are just people; seeking out the chance to interact with more people from a given culture will give you a truer and better picture, along with the realization that we are all human. Besides, there are tons of scary Koreans."

I told her, or at least something similar.*

"Oh yeah, I guess you're right."

After that I saw her a few more times, but there was never the same feeling of closeness as that day when I had the chance to pimp. In fact, I suspect she might have had some unfortunate experiences to reinforce her stereotypes. But, when I did see her she looked happy, and was definitely hanging out with a diverse group of other students.

I called it a success.

*This is with the exception of fuuzoku, of course! I just remembered in Nagoya, not only was there a district of "nightlife guides" a stone's throw away from the main station, but wandering around at night led me to a clubbing & prostitution district with "No foreigners allowed" signs pasted everywhere. I have faint recollections of asking a bouncer if they were serious, and him being like "Naaaw," but I'm sure that's just my mind playing tricks.

**Also struggling with being self-conscious about sweat and stinkyness as basically the only westerner in a dance club... and said stinkyness being attributed to my race/culture (although it is true apparently); it was still a shock during my last festival to be told that my costume stunk and should be hung outside until it could be washed haha.

***There is a bit missing from the conversation above... probably. Also, she was a new freshman international student at the time.

hmm...

Maybe I should have looked into consulting. Although you probably need a better gpa hahaha.

Also thinking about joining the PMJS ML, just to lurk and read...

Also, a grad program that sounds beast in it's course offerings but a bit scanty on the language side

Return of the Kikokushijo!!

Bad pun, I know.

But just got the idea of looking for representations of kikokushijo in anime/manga, starting with my beloved Asuka (I'm getting more and more afraid to finish the series as time goes on, so I should make some way for it to be inescapable for myself...). Although, it seems like a lot of the characters are in fact stereotypical (tropes?)m so perhaps I should say innovative portrayals.

On the same note, my ideas of ibunka komyunicke-shon also extend to the different cultures within a given culture, basically through senmon yougo (specialized vocabulary) that develops through different groups. From computer programmers and scientists to dancers and artists and farmers (another reason I like gin no saji so much, gotta write about how awesome it is (and manga in general vs jun bungaku ("real" literature) later) have to communicate with each other using modified "foreigner english". I should find out what the term for that is.

But yeah. Ugh. Train of thought interupted.

http://maki.typepad.com/justhungry/2010/03/if-you-cant-speak-english-youre-a-loser-in-life.html

Readings!

Awesome! Japanese and Chinese attitudes towards sex, summary of a paper published last year by James Farrer. So baller, I wish I had found this earlier.Hate how this makes me start to rethink my plans so easily. (And from that study I'm starting to think that that encounter with the prostitute in high school has led to an affinity? obsession? with these types of topics....At any rate, self-reflection is good and those memories are there, for the most part.) At any rate I'd like to see this guy invited to the university...

A couple other links that I will definitely come back to.

I need to stop clicking on links...

More stuff from random blogs!

Great (p)review of Skyward Sword by the first video game blogger I've ever taken note of; apparently the academic side of gaming has exploded as well.

In what might be the most interesting iteration the Zelda series has yet seen, Skyward Sword takes a brand-new approach in characterizing Link via Zelda, who receives a tangible, compelling and nuanced characterization herself for arguably the first time in the series' history. Little has changed about the hero; he is skilled because we make him, dutiful because we press buttons, and brave because we don't stop pressing them even when there are monsters. 

You probably thought I chose the wrong major, didn't you? Well, my friend... I think that all the time as well!

But every now and then, something like Katawa Shoujo comes along. I might play the first chapter in Japanese and Chinese... and it's rekindled a desire to learn sign language. Not sure why I get so fascinated by it, seeing as I've never known a deaf or signing person; but hey -- maybe my subconscious knows something about my learning style.

This is the official site for the game, the above-mentioned video game blogger wrote a review and the Escapist has a so-far hilarious review that I will need to finish later. To quote the opening line:

To put it as bluntly and politically incorrectly as possible, this a game where you date crippled girls, spawned by 4chan.

There's also some interesting stuff about the reaction on the Japanese interwebs, although it's mostly about the use of Katawa. I learned the word for deaf-mute, too, which is apparently 聾唖. Just add a 者 to either one of those, and you get the corresponding person. Kind of weird that sign language is just 手話 then, although widely recognized (ie not home-language) sign language I would suspect is a product of the modern era, and thus the word as well. Interesting...

Oh, man! A great analytical blogger I had just found the other day, 2-D Teleidoscope closed their blog about a week ago. Found out the guy had a role in the production of Katawa. Will be looking forward to diving through the remnants.

This is from his (don't even know if it's a guy... or what their handle was, but) last comments after a really great selection of reflections on how anime has changed people's lives. There is a crazy guy living in two dimensions, but other than that there are four people who put into words their transcendence of the genre, and into something more reminiscent of Genshiken; that is, how fandom is/was a road to personal growth and human connection that lasts far beyond the bewilderingly fearsome prospect that is losing interest in something that you currently obsess over. Perhaps this is something extendable to any marginalized group, but I want to romanticize it and say that in some way it is unique to anime and manga. Certainly in some strange way, I can't say that I've felt so connected to as many strangers (that I wasn't with in person) as when I am cruising anime blogs and stumble upon ruminations of an underground series like Haibane Renmei. Or in the same source a career chemist musing on anime and Christianity, something I feel I can pass on through the gap that undeniably exists between me and friends more rooted in their faiths.

A final word, before I close the doors.

Anime can be a second reality.  It can be an escape, a reprieve, a haven away; Door Number One is the geeky stuff, Door Number Two is everything else, and ne’er the twain shall meet.  I think that’s easy enough to do.  It’s much more difficult to live in both worlds at once.

But that’s the ideal, at least for me.  Visual culture – anime, manga, visual novels, everything we enjoy – can be a lens that helps us love the here and now.  Of course, it isn’t easy.  It takes thought, and perspective, and a willingness to shed cynicism.  But we should strive for this.  It’s worth striving for.

And how wonderful reality becomes then!  Hobbies, entire lifestyles, friends, lovers, the precious understanding between one human being and another: All of these and more, right at our fingertips, all because we share a love for this stuff from Japan.

Our world, plus this, is beautiful, prismatic and complex: A perfect 2-D teleidoscope.

Thanks for reading.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Absolutely fascinating, but why the hell are there other people doing this???? DAMMIT

Looks like I'll be going to Urbana-Champaign in March.

Better get cracking on JET and Hopkins-Nanjing application...

CCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Also cereal guy for good measure, just because I like the picture.

Forgot a few things

Fascinating article on international marriage from the economist; particularly the Japanese women marrying down in terms of country-level, from urban to rural, etc. Maybe there's something in studying this type of relationship/sexuality/internationalism stuff? Toriaezu there's links to a few research bodies in the article itself, and I should ask Trish and Prof Lee about it as well.

博士号を取るとはどういうことか - Japanese translation of a very interesting and sadly true-to-life info graphic. Continue to long for life in simpler times, where it seems it was so much easier to discover new things. Also wonder if anyone else has drawn graphs of non-traditional methods of learning (street smarts, etc) as a response to this.

Not sure what this is about but apparently it's shocking and/or interesting.

Best advice I've had in a while

People are shocked when I tell them I'm lazy. I don't try to change the fact that I'm lazy; I exploit it. I try to make sure that the laziest thing I can do at any moment is what I should be doing.

http://matt.might.net/articles/productivity-tips-hints-hacks-tricks-for-grad-students-academics/

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A girl once gave me a wonderful birthday present. Shocked, confused and feeling most of all undeserving, I exchanged promises to hang out more after break and parted ways. I later changed the goal of my travels to finding the perfect something to express my feelings of thanks -- my birthday being when it is and the stubborn lack of close friends during college, I rarely receive any personal (read:non-facebook) acknowledgement, and have only once had a surprise party (A going away party by Waseda-gumi I will never forget. Watch the douga every now and then to cheer up, remember the fukai kizuna we forged) -- and eventually settled on a cd I sampled in a huge Korean bookstore within an even bigger mall. Travel and the break itself came and went, and I found myself ready. Ready to give her my gift, let her know how much her time and effort and that small gift meant to me, how much strength it had given me. Time went by, my resolve weakened. I wanted to give it to her, yet still I hung onto it, could not bear to part with it. I think much of it was due to my weakness, confusion and reluctance. Partly because it was probably the first such open display of affection I had ever received (or at least remember[ed?]), she was Singaporean and I was still recovering from trauma (not that it's fully fixed now or anything) and second guessing both my evaluation of her motives/feelings and my own attraction towards her (I once half-joked that I only liked Singaporeans, when another smartass tried to confirm/assert that I like asian girls; I like to think it's initially a combination of the laid back-ness [no pun intended], internationalism[?], foodie-ism and accent that seems to be shared among the island's people). Partly because, well, just a plain fear of rejection. After that initial promise we never really hung out, didn't talk much and I sure didn't give her that present. I still listen to it, now and then. It's good. So good, I feel regret for still having it, listening to it, enjoying it. Maybe even guilt, and the feeling that yet another bridge was not burned, only left to wither and might well have already crumbled.

(A work in progress, to be streamlined and fb-statused later)

(Also while checking old fb messages can be shocking, it also reveals that we did make some plans (to go to a concert) and communicate, and probably even met up, during/possibly after the break; memory is definitely selective, definitely fallible, definitely playing up to what we want to believe in or say. Gotta work on harnessing this power...)

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As my advisor used to tell me, "Whenever I felt depressed in grad school--when I worried I wasn't going to finish my Ph.D.--I looked at the people dumber than me finishing theirs, and I would think to myself, if that idiot can get a Ph.D., dammit, so can I.

http://matt.might.net/articles/successful-phd-students/