"Fires on the Plain" by Ooka Shouhei....

"I initially thought that it was because I was still alive that I yearned for life. However, was it not because I was already dead that I longed for it so? This paradoxical conclusion consoled me, and I smiled to myself. Since I was already no longer of this world, there was no need to kill myself." Has reading a literary analysis ever made anyone else want to cry? Maybe I'm just a stupid reader and had late reactions to the overwhelming amount sensory information in the novel. I thought I wanted to study J/C/K wartime and colonial literature but am suddenly confused as to whether the feelings they convey are for me truly motivation and not hindrances to anything within my own power and reasoning...

[to be edited later for more quotes and musings on my own memory and perception of experiences and construction/repression of traumatic memories]

aaaarrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhh

I am so stupid in my inefficiency!!

In other news, from the outside ACF bro-sis week is a very normalized form of potentially creepy getting-to-know-you and showering-with-presents, but it's very sad to see someone not putting in the effort another person deserves (and for the receiver's last one, no less!!!). Pretty sad when you look at the standards... but I wonder, is bro-sis mandatory and it's just that? Hmmm

stuff to look into later -- from a friend's blog

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."
-Dag Hammarskjold

http://www.fastcompany.com/magazine/151/everyones-a-player.html?partner=rss&utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+fastcompany/headlines+%28Fast+Company+Headlines%29

http://www.informationisbeautiful.net/

Forgetful, inefficient. That's me!

Strange how some people can feel like they've changed so much, while others it seems haven't done so at all.

Kind of scary, but the only way to know if either situation is a good thing (from one's own limited perspective) is to talk.

Gotta do that.

"Forge ahead. Don't be afraid."

Been telling myself this for a while now... to be honest, I wish I had "time" as well...

There is a girl in studlife today who, sorta like that one girl I randomly met in Seoul, is majoring in communication design and biology -- although this one is not doing anything too cool with it, it still makes me wish I had at least had the foresight to go for a comm design/Japanese double major.... how cool would that have been???

My friend today said, "Why was I even an art major??" in reference to time lost (and subsequently found)... I kinda feel the same way about chem, only I feel bad about feeling that way...

ほら君の涙～ 恵みの雨だ、僕らの新世紀

PB&Jを作るうぃる

Should I be more puzzled by or find some way to enjoy the reputation I have as an asian-targeting womanizer...?

コーション・用心

Google translate has gotten surprisingly accurate;

Gotta be careful what I write, or write more convoluted sentences...

I'm such a creeper kkkk

From a note on Ji's page:

가끔 미치도록 네가 안고 싶어질 때가 있어

is translated (by google) as:

たまに狂ったように君を抱いてみたくなる時があって

Beautiful, regardless of accuracy...

------------
「チャンスを逃したことが多すぎるこの学年」。。。がテーマかのように、
今日もう二人が付き合っていること知らされた。。。直接でもフェスブックにも

【矢印】⇩⇨⇧⇦⇣⇢⇡⇠⇛⇚⇙⇘⇗⇖⇕⇓⇑⇐⇊⇉⇈⇇⇆⇅⇄↻↺↷↶↵↴↳↲↱↰↪↩↙↘↗↖↕↔⇔⇒↑→

←↓↑→

グーグル日本語入力って、最高！！！
SSKっていうのも面白そうですね。

moodsetters:
ラヴ・パレード
こんなに近くで
チョコレートが貰えない

本文. xposted to ｆｂ, mildly edited.

In Praise of Tommorow

Tommorow is Valentine's Day. A holiday that since gradeschool, I've never really understood or cared about. My little sister is preparing the ones for her class right now, and it brings back memories of doing the same thing...

But I am in a good mood because of today's weather, and have decided to make something of a celebration, while at the same time unloading a few meaningless thoughts from my mind. Once written, they're gone, and looking back later I probably won't remember when I wrote these words or exactly what it was that pressed me to write as I am -- learning about memory in Intro to Psych, but somehow I can't think that it applies.

The other day I heard a rumor about a freshman girl who lives in Park and is fluent in Chinese; the international student who told me the story said it was "The strangest thing [he] ever saw!" I could only stifle my laughter and think, that's how so many of us felt! Nevertheless, a random faceless kid became my inspiration for a few short glorious hours of get[tin]'er done.

I probably lost my old one so after a few weeks of being even more distracted than usual by the world around me, I caved in and bought a new mp3 player the other day; too troubled to go through my music and make a new playlist, I chose a few to put in and let itunes choose the rest.

A certain song, by a girl who is much like the random freshman in Park, now pops up every now and then whenever shuffle mode is on. There are actually more songs by her than I expected, but I can't quite remember how that came to be about. Her name is Crystal Kay, and the song is こんな近くで -- those of you who don't speak Japanese, and for that matter have never seen 時をかける少女, are missing out. She is by all means, my totally unwarranted inspiration for both language learning and successful multiculturalism, and I wish so much that Sensasians would do a song by her!

That song -- in truth the one in particular I hope Phoebe and Lisa take note of! -- is the one that struck me today, the one that I unconsciously found myself understanding (I picked up the words a long time ago, in basically the same manner as a few Epik High songs) and stopped to listen harder when I found myself rather moved. I don't warrant to the quality of the translation I've linked to, but I figure it's something people in general can relate to. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PRSzlDRuCc)

Lauren tells me that Chinese people are only starting to celebrate Valentine's as the rest of the world does (this is not without reason: cf. http://shanghaishiok.com/2011/01/14/why-chinese-girlfriends-are-superior/), but in Japan and Korea, at least, I think the general populous has a better grasp of the concepts behind the day than their Western compatriots.

Valentine's Day, White Day, Black Day. Girls give chocolate, guys give chocolate, singles go out and bemoan their sorry lives.

I hope that in the last explication giving me pause, I am (not) alone. Does such a statement normally make one (collectively) appreciative? Or is such a pause one of... sorrow? I've often wondered why is it that, in Japanese, I find it easier to 落ち込む, as you will, over my otherwise generally celebrated singledom. At first I attributed it to the topics that would come up with friends -- 恋話 is probably the easiest thing to share across cultures, and 恋愛アドバイザー is probably the fate of not a few international students regardless of location -- but separated by both time and distance such an environment dependent theory holds no ground, and the seasons are not to blame either: I revel in the loneliness of a blanketed forest park, and meet the arrival of spring with such distaste that I can only think of its eventual recession. Thus, I am forced to concede once again to the "principle of linguistic relativity" in asserting that it is the Japanese language itself, which makes me prone to such distressing thoughts.

For example, why is it that we have two separate words for "homosexual"? Gay, lesbian, aren't they basically the same thing, only pointing to a specific gender identity? A guy liking other guys, a girl liking other girls, but -- and perhaps someone has already gone through this thought experiment, but what happens if someone who is organly a male has a gender identity of female and likes women? Is that person a homosexual/lesbian, or straight? It is likely that the separation of these words and the specificity of their signification has led to the inconsistencies inherent in the average straight man's arguable enjoyment of lesbian imagery. Yet somehow I cannot help but imagine a revolt among gay men along the size of "Egyptian" if the word gay was finally and ultimately declared appropriated to mean stupid or foolish, and the men formerly known as gay were to be labeled lesbian... but alas, I digress from the point, spurred on by the infiltration of my mind from the vulgar topics brought up by the soliloquoy of a certain word "V" that unfortunately does not stand for vendetta, and that I am actually too much of a mix of squeamish and disgusted to have gone to see.

Nonetheless in English, we ask, "Do you have a girlfriend?" and (often prematurely) offer congratulations when someone "gets a boyfriend." In Chinese too, as far as I've learned, you must 找到 yourself a potential hook-up and/or life partner. Japanese however, is different.

When asked if you have a significant other, what people are asking is fundamentally if such a person even exists. If they do, and you are explaining to someone, the expression goes something like "I/girlfriend/was able", or to translate a bit "I was able to [ ] girlfriend". What goes into the brackets there is up for interpretation, but the answer is nothing. In Japanese, you are either able to have a girlfriend, or you aren't. This is in total contrast to the possessive, and proactive nature found in the use of words like "have" and "get" in English, and boils down to a simple question of ability.

This is a thorn in the side for people like myself, who maintain that the non-existence of a girlfriend is mediated only by the lack of effort involved in actually obtaining one. The idea that, it is an honest lack of trying which fuels the singledom one is able to hold pride and find enjoyment in.

For someone who has never honestly uttered the words "I like you", this idea would very well form the foundations of existence and sanity.

Yet the preoccupation with and at times apprehension towards confessions of love appears more frequently in the Japanese context -- where you can buy dvds of girls confessing their love for any time viewing pleasure (the ideal raffle prize) -- in the same context where such an idea is simply shattered to pieces, and the question of confessing or not, of endangering the friendship between two people is a non-entity, because whether you are meant for each other is already decided, a question of ability and not one of perserverance or charm.

Reflecting like this, is the only time that I dread having language ability and experience in a culture that is no longer so foreign. One must beware the dangers inherent in learning Japanese, for I wish I had been informed of the day where I would appreciate a linguistic background that allows one to continue such a purposeful illusion as that of intentional singledom.

It is late and I am alone, going over the preparations made by my younger sister for her class' card and candy exchange, the sights of Ne-yo's mirror audible from the headphones lying alone next to me...

As the hour deepens and a day I've only recently really learned to truly dread approaches, the screen gradually turns itself a strange gradient of pink --

And forsooth, I've found myself once again singing the praises of the English language! Tomorrow I will look back and wonder just what it was that has gotten into me, so I had better go ahead and stop before I write too about affirming gravity for a change.

*This experiment in constructing an authorly persona in the likes of Mori Ogai's 「妄想」 and Natsume Soseki's 「文鳥」 is filled with inside jokes and rather violent half-truths. I wonder, after my death will anyone take the trouble to footnote this text as well, proclaiming to the world such private matters as my misanthropic tendencies to charge the frats on Friday evenings with a resounding "Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them"...?

Maybe someday I'll learn?

Was struggling with the question of whether to leave this open or not. It will stay open for now; comments =/= readership after all, right? While this remains primarily an exercise for myself, it just drives home the self-censorship that goes on whenever I write one of these things. Would a personal (as opposed to semi-public) diary leave more intimate details, more ways for me to recall the goings on of these too short years? Probably not, but you won't find the type of thoughts that ruin friendships on this site, maybe only vague hints.

---------------------
Have you ever crushed on someone, only to hear them talk and realize they are not at all the way that you imagined them, and become instantly repulsed?

Have you ever continuously judged someone based on their looks as stuck up and not willing to talk to you, only to talk to them and find that they put you at ease, and you wish you had gotten to know them much earlier?

Both in one day. Awesome.
（土）

---------------------
I walked into the afterparty the other day, and didn't have time to put down my coat before the group had split up. Saying to heck with it, me and Keita headed for the center of the action, where I had spotted one of my explore kids up on a table rocking it hard -- I had decided earlier in the day that she is a really interesting kid (as opposed to an outwardly similar, yet disgustingly apathetic and self-interested girl I know...) based on a few words she spoke, but this sealed the deal. Anyway, there we are, on the fringes of the incredibly small dance floor, and a good song comes on. I'm closer to the crowd, and start bouncing; you know the awkward, I-dunno-what-I'm-doing bounce that nearly everyone knows how to do?
Suddenly I accidentally bump into someone dancing in front of me, move back just enough to not disturb the flow of the crowd forming behind me, and take a look. There is a couple on one side, the man grinding the girl, and another girl, the one I bumped into, dancing facing the couple in that way girls do together, something I hadn't seen for a while. I go back to dancing but a few seconds later, she bumps into me. I stand my ground, shaking a bit to the music, and waiting for her to move back. Slowly, her right hand goes up, up, above her shoulders, neck, head, and she touches my chest. It's a fleeting grasp, and almost instinctively my hands follow down, down her sides and quickly settle into place, but that right hand of hers reappears and pushes my right hand down, to her hip, and we begin grinding. Slowly at first, in time with every other beat, and my left hand free to do as it pleases... I realize she is a short, full-bodied asian (duh) girl, and pretty cute; I'm sure to get a lot of crap about this, but what's not to like about that in a dancing partner? I actually saw myself making out with this girl I had come across only a few minutes into entering the venue, and was dancing with without so much as having received a backward glance for a second, and imagined the wildfire gossip that would have ensued... Not that couples making out were anything rare that night, but as soon as these thoughts crossed my mind it must have shown on my face, because the girl from the couple she was dancing with suddenly pulled her away, and I remembered having to protect the girls from strange guys during MAASU all those years ago, marveling a bit at the role reversal.
Maybe because it was so short there were no bitter or leftover feelings, no 口惜しさ, and I remember walking back over to Keita and saying "That was interesting."
I saw the same girl later that night, dancing alone with a guy and having reached the kind of grinding I hadn't been able to... and again later literally stumbling out the place drunk with the girl from the couple I had seen her with earlier. Then it hit me, she might have been one of those random older (max 30?) people that had somehow found their way into the club as well.
However short, dancing with her was good in reminding me of those situation-specific feelings/sensations/motivations and reasons to get a girlfriend and go dancing, and it's interesting to compare how I reported handling things a year ago.
The rest of my night was spent in my normal mode of running around, saying hi to people, being really bad at crowd surfing and finding circles to join.
It also hit me, after this semester, if I find a college-age girl I really will just be one of those older creeper guys I detest so much... fits in with my somedays general regret of not starting college at a later age and greater experience and foresight....

Found myself identifying (no real person in mind) with these lyrics:
君のキスがい～い、きみの声がい～い、傍に居れるなら何も要らないよ (from Chemistry 君のキス）
and playing right after, this song, for all you FLCL lovers out there.

I think I've been infected with something. Or maybe it's a normal process of growing up, during the last semester or when it seems everyone around you has been getting together... although, I can't imagine anyone other than Theja (and he is 極度 with the belief）actually thinking I have an interest in the girls here, much less the girls themselves haha. I think I'm just too lazy, to actively go after someone...
---------------------------

Interview tommorow. Haven't prepared and it's past 1 ammmmm. Hope it goes well.
Gotta remember to apply for study abroad this summer.
And do homework.
Eat well.
Exercise (need my biiiiiikkkkeeeeeeeeeeeee).
Finish this stupid grading and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep. T___T

Maybe someday I'll learn.

Why do things always turn out like this? CIR was the only thing I really let myself hope for, dream about, and all the rest I've just taken in stride, I've known what is "enough to survive on". What's the point? I want to find a corner to curl up in and die.

sigh all day...