I'll be empty til that day....

Man, it's 12:30 and here I am sitting in the living room at the table in the same position I've been in for a good 4 or 5 hours because this is one of the few "convenient" places to get wireless internet for my laptop... and I wind up staring at this screen largely looking at nothing, chatting away to far-away friends and waiting minutes at a time for responses or to type them. And I wonder why I'm tired of this existence, and crave for it when I'm not here.
I finished watching Speedgrapher today. It was a disappointing ending, though that's certainly how I feel about a lot of things lately. It got me thinking though, about money, greed, power, compulsion, sin, indulgence -- and how sickening a lot of it really is. But also a lot of it turned me on (no pun intended) to this sort of thinking, and with my worst-possible-outcome thinking attitude, those type of things are the first to jump to my mind now. I notice sometimes, just how much the last thing I've read, watched, or been around effects the way I think, and I wonder if it's why I've been turned onto food so much, the people I've been with. Even though I know I've been able to resist and am turning myself away from many of the things that were just leftover impressions on me from other people, breaking away and preparing for my time abroad and trying not to worry about what will happen when - or if (there it goes again, that thinking of mine) - I get back.
Speaking of, I've been really sick of these one-way relationships that seem to plague my life, where I am the only one that makes the time, or effort, to go and visit, care about, and spend time with a person when there is not some sort of direct benefit masked behind false intentions. I tried that once and not only was I unsuccessful (that happens with inexperience and when the opposition is a recluse, I guess), but I was pretty sickened by it. I understand, and basically have made exceptions for a few people who are incredibly important to me, who not only save me from myself but actually worry about me and check up on me when I'm not around and who let me know I'm missed, and for a few people I think I used to know inside and out but may not deserve it, but even those have become painful and I feel betrayed and distanced everytime one of them gets into a new relationship, or I see them interacting with someone in a way much more familiar than they can with me, when I see someone else has taken a place I feel I belong, when I'm not even told about a situation and left to deduce it myself, and not told the whole about a situation one I have deduced it, well I've been getting pretty fed up about it. And so I've been going back to the way I feel like I should sometimes, playing one of those little games with people, seeing what happens when I stop taking the initiative, or rather, stop the entire relationship by halting everything from my side, and seeing if the other reacts, or notices at all. So far the results have been extremely disappointing, as much as I want to say to myself those type of people don't matter and don't really do anything for me. The other day I was wondering why my first semester this past year is an incredible blur (much more than the usual blur everything turns to), aside from a few choice classes and a few choice homework assignments and a few choice events, and I realized it was that while I was trying to get one of those people I thought I knew well to return something to me, to acknowledge me and dedicate some amount of time to me, I was also trying so hard to go out and cultivate a place for myself, a place that really didn't work out or care about me, and which more or less screwed me over and left me with, well, nothing. Or problems to solve.

Got distracted by the hipster grifter -- I'll finish these thoughts another day...