Reply and some other stuff

It's really nice to have older friends. Like she says, this 4 month vacation, I can't waste it. The trouble is finding something to do with it, and how to learn about myself and my culture, in a way I will be able to talk about it if neccessary and as training for finding those gems in another, one I am supposed to have been learning about? Going beyond language ability -- what is ability if you have nothing to express? -- I need to figure out how to do that.

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(reply/返事/反应開始）

How do you reply to people's posts on this?
It was broken into paragraphs haha, I just forgot to space them out.

But yeah, don't worry Chang. I haven't seen any (read: much :P) bitch-like behavior in you. Besides I couldn't abandon you if I wanted to, you're an integral part of my HOLY SHIT I NEED MORE GUY FRIENDS initiative ahahaha.

What that was was me venting about struggling with this and talking about a few relationships with only a few groups of people; time, for me, is one of those things you can make (no matter how 'busy' you might be) and when you spend it with someone it's one of those basic ways to show that appreciation you were talking about.

I guess I wasn't really clear, but basically, I have a lot of relationships where if I'm not around, I'm not even thought of, unless someone literally wants something done for them, and I'm more or less the only one that can do it for them (and the people that do the wanting are even fewer in number). To even be noticed I have to come around; I've had conversations where, after a bout of self-induced seclusion, I come around and people say something like: "You hadn't been around in a while. I was worried," which not only includes their assumption that everything is fine now, but they didn't bother to go to me if they actually were "worried". And then you get when people claim they are too busy to do something with me, only to have me find out they spent time doing ridiculous things and putting off work (if they even had any), which happened even with my best friends this year. It took me so long to figure out I was sick of it all and it was making me unhappy. Not to mention I almost screwed up everything this year grade-wise and ruining my chance to go to Japan, which is basically all I'm looking forward to at this point (I should have gone to Shanghai this summer too). It's a lot of hope to put into something, but I realized that as sad as it sounds, I will only miss (想念）a handful of people and 3 absolutely amazing teachers, and most of my "missing out" feelings will be that I won't have the chance to get closer to a few people I find really interesting, and events that will be happening (especially helping out with Heisei. I've been excited for the club to make some changes and here there are coming (hopefully) and I'm not going to be around to see/make sure they happen)...

There was even one girl who, in the midst of all my unhappiness, would approach me at the times she would run into me on campus saying things like she was waiting for me to come to her; I couldn't tell whether she was just trying to get in my pants/looking for a boyfriend (those freaked me out for a while and is a whole 'nother issue and another story), or just wanted to be friends, but I could never tell her I wasn't willing to extend myself into another relationship where I would have to do that first, even once. (Besides, reflecting I feel like the minimal energy she was expending was enough for her to take that next step...)

So yeah, I got into one of my "game" playing moods and well... it's incredibly easy to cut these kinds of people off, but it's a really bitter feeling.