Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Personality Splits and Other Acrobatic Moves I'm Learning
I'm starting to hate English.
Not like I didn't before but, I'm actually starting to dislike using it. I suppose that's good and I should be happy, but I can't help feeling that it's bad simply because I don't like the... let's pretend and say 'proficiency'... that I have in it.
That is to say, I've had experiences -- sad, trying, fun, and joyful -- in my life, just like every other person, but only in English. It's kind of scary to think that I have never experienced something that lasts strongly in my mind (as a singular moment or span of time, something I can isolate and review over and over) in Japanese, and only have a kind of lump sum impression of the random things in Japanese that have happened over the past few weeks (whether that's not having enough sleep or 飲み会・公園パーティのせい I don't really know)...
Even yesterday, I was talking with another American (in Japanese) about the election, and trying to translate that and the emotions with it (basically SARAH PALIN IS AN IDIOT AND I AM EMBARRASSED THAT SHE WAS EVEN CONSIDERED TO BE PLACED IN A POSITION TO POSSIBLY BE ELECTED TO ANY PLACE OF POWER WITH CONSEQUENCE [because who knows what happens in Alaska??]) I was getting heated, but it was pure frustration at not being able to express it easily.
Which brings me to my point. I think the English me is somewhat depressed. Remembering good experiences is great, but there are also recent bad ones, ones I thought were fine or I had already moved past but that only got worse the closer I got to leaving... Those unraveled threads, the things I couldn't or didn't bring myself to tie up, easily bring me to tears now that it's too late...
But the Japanese me can't do that kind of thing. I don't have the experiences or the vocabulary to express that in any way, or put the emotion behind my words; sometimes that's liberating, and other times I feel trapped. For instance the other day, someone in reference to supposing me モテモテ (something like popular with the ladies?) asked "Why don't you have a girlfriend?" My answer was I'd like to know why too (a lie), and that anyway being friends with someone was more important than that. That was it. The overall lesson I thought I had finished learning over summer and that was painfully drilled into me later on (as if going over multiplication tables in the 30's or taking a post in the military [heh how ironic that comes out... stupid connections...]), summed up, painless, uttered and mostly forgotten.
So I don't know what I should do. I somehow feel more free to go out and do things and can ignore that trapped feeling, but the iminent threat of one day being able to express myself (I'm taking classes on that exact topic. Wheeee.), to feel, is well, scary. Would I become restless, move on to another language and simply drift through people and interactions with them, however shallow? Or would I someday find a language or frame of mind to conquer the darkness? Contrasting struggles brings to light Kingdom Hearts...
"I've been having these weird thoughts lately.... Like, is any of this for real... or not?"
"All worlds begin in darkness, and all so end. The heart is no different. Darkness sprouts within it, it grows, consumes it. Such is its nature."
"Although my heart may be weak, it's not alone. It's grown with each new experience. And it's found a home with all the friends I've made. I've become a part of their heart, just as they've become a part of mine. And if they think of me now and then, if they don't forget me, then our hearts will be one. I don't need a weapon. My friends are my power!"
"Now, open your heart, surrender it to the darkness!"
"The heart may be weak. And sometimes it may even give in. But I've learned... that deep down there's a light that never goes out!"
"So you have come this far, and still you understand nothing. Every light must fade, every heart returns to darkness!"
A little out there but still extrapolating the feeling of choice that I have at this point in time; simplifying too much maybe but feels like there are only 2 choices, and maybe I'm already walking down the wrong one, or worse sitting still. "The remedy, for memory..."
I think that's why this song scares me and one of the reasons I appreciate Epik High and Nell so much, their ability to capture emotion, sometimes in only a few words. Will I move that way too? I can feel myself trying to, even just a little.
"I've... learned how to smile... Even when I'm feeling sad."
"Guard your emotions first"
"No matter how dark the night, morning always comes, and our journey begins anew."
Not like I didn't before but, I'm actually starting to dislike using it. I suppose that's good and I should be happy, but I can't help feeling that it's bad simply because I don't like the... let's pretend and say 'proficiency'... that I have in it.
That is to say, I've had experiences -- sad, trying, fun, and joyful -- in my life, just like every other person, but only in English. It's kind of scary to think that I have never experienced something that lasts strongly in my mind (as a singular moment or span of time, something I can isolate and review over and over) in Japanese, and only have a kind of lump sum impression of the random things in Japanese that have happened over the past few weeks (whether that's not having enough sleep or 飲み会・公園パーティのせい I don't really know)...
Even yesterday, I was talking with another American (in Japanese) about the election, and trying to translate that and the emotions with it (basically SARAH PALIN IS AN IDIOT AND I AM EMBARRASSED THAT SHE WAS EVEN CONSIDERED TO BE PLACED IN A POSITION TO POSSIBLY BE ELECTED TO ANY PLACE OF POWER WITH CONSEQUENCE [because who knows what happens in Alaska??]) I was getting heated, but it was pure frustration at not being able to express it easily.
Which brings me to my point. I think the English me is somewhat depressed. Remembering good experiences is great, but there are also recent bad ones, ones I thought were fine or I had already moved past but that only got worse the closer I got to leaving... Those unraveled threads, the things I couldn't or didn't bring myself to tie up, easily bring me to tears now that it's too late...
But the Japanese me can't do that kind of thing. I don't have the experiences or the vocabulary to express that in any way, or put the emotion behind my words; sometimes that's liberating, and other times I feel trapped. For instance the other day, someone in reference to supposing me モテモテ (something like popular with the ladies?) asked "Why don't you have a girlfriend?" My answer was I'd like to know why too (a lie), and that anyway being friends with someone was more important than that. That was it. The overall lesson I thought I had finished learning over summer and that was painfully drilled into me later on (as if going over multiplication tables in the 30's or taking a post in the military [heh how ironic that comes out... stupid connections...]), summed up, painless, uttered and mostly forgotten.
So I don't know what I should do. I somehow feel more free to go out and do things and can ignore that trapped feeling, but the iminent threat of one day being able to express myself (I'm taking classes on that exact topic. Wheeee.), to feel, is well, scary. Would I become restless, move on to another language and simply drift through people and interactions with them, however shallow? Or would I someday find a language or frame of mind to conquer the darkness? Contrasting struggles brings to light Kingdom Hearts...
"I've been having these weird thoughts lately.... Like, is any of this for real... or not?"
"All worlds begin in darkness, and all so end. The heart is no different. Darkness sprouts within it, it grows, consumes it. Such is its nature."
"Although my heart may be weak, it's not alone. It's grown with each new experience. And it's found a home with all the friends I've made. I've become a part of their heart, just as they've become a part of mine. And if they think of me now and then, if they don't forget me, then our hearts will be one. I don't need a weapon. My friends are my power!"
"Now, open your heart, surrender it to the darkness!"
"The heart may be weak. And sometimes it may even give in. But I've learned... that deep down there's a light that never goes out!"
"So you have come this far, and still you understand nothing. Every light must fade, every heart returns to darkness!"
A little out there but still extrapolating the feeling of choice that I have at this point in time; simplifying too much maybe but feels like there are only 2 choices, and maybe I'm already walking down the wrong one, or worse sitting still. "The remedy, for memory..."
I think that's why this song scares me and one of the reasons I appreciate Epik High and Nell so much, their ability to capture emotion, sometimes in only a few words. Will I move that way too? I can feel myself trying to, even just a little.
"I've... learned how to smile... Even when I'm feeling sad."
"Guard your emotions first"
"No matter how dark the night, morning always comes, and our journey begins anew."
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Phones & Odaiba
Got cellphones the other day, took nearly the whole day. Afterwards got some groceries and cooked (well some of the girls cooked for me haha since I didn't have a clue what I was doing...) curry-ish stuff with vegetables and meat. Overall I spent too much money for that meal -___-;;
Today was the Tokyo tour; I really wanted to go to Akihabara and Roppongi (which wound up being a trip to the Emperor's Palace), but went with my friends to Odaiba, which I really only knew as a popular date spot. We got there (round trip it was 1000 yen gurai...), it was crowded and had to eat bentou for lunch (another 600 yen...) and pretty, nice beach but then the shops aren't so fun for me; spent that time with good people though, so it was ok. Afterwards there was a nomikai so went to that, another 2500 yen(!) and afterwards was another 200 for snacks for the park (which the police politely busted up); so basically I spent a lot of money today. Glad the banks are open tommorow hahah, although I will need to find a job soon or won't be able to travel. Going to bed now, it's nearly 3 am. Check fb for picture updates :) Tommorow is bank account, and possibly teaching english pronounciation to a drama club... and anything else I remember I'm forgetting... gonna start using that planner for real hahahaha.
Today was the Tokyo tour; I really wanted to go to Akihabara and Roppongi (which wound up being a trip to the Emperor's Palace), but went with my friends to Odaiba, which I really only knew as a popular date spot. We got there (round trip it was 1000 yen gurai...), it was crowded and had to eat bentou for lunch (another 600 yen...) and pretty, nice beach but then the shops aren't so fun for me; spent that time with good people though, so it was ok. Afterwards there was a nomikai so went to that, another 2500 yen(!) and afterwards was another 200 for snacks for the park (which the police politely busted up); so basically I spent a lot of money today. Glad the banks are open tommorow hahah, although I will need to find a job soon or won't be able to travel. Going to bed now, it's nearly 3 am. Check fb for picture updates :) Tommorow is bank account, and possibly teaching english pronounciation to a drama club... and anything else I remember I'm forgetting... gonna start using that planner for real hahahaha.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Oceans. Sand. Trees. Owls. Shadows. Tears. Love, and pain. Slow Motion. Dreams. Nightmares. Slow Motion.
It's nearly 5 am, I've been up all night re-doing my schedule, finally finished, read One Piece and found the new Epik High album and now I'm waiting for itunes to back up the files -- I upgraded because I had to for my shuffle to work, and I hate it... so slow -- so it looks like I might not wake up at 8:45 like I want to. For some reason it seems like my body is kind of used to this, getting too much sleep one day and going without it the next few, eating all day one day and eating nothing the next, despite exercising and all that. Can't say it's healthy.
What I can say is, like I've heard, Epik High has pulled another genius talent from somewhere. I was so worried they would collapse when they went independent, but the quality of music has only improved, and hopefully big names will be able to collaborate with them soon so they can get the recognition they deserve. They're pretty inspiring.
I've still only watched about 30 mins of Okuribito, but I'm still stunned by the camera work. Still haven't bought mine, that will come when the class does as well I guess, but it makes me really want to try. There are cell phones here with HD cam recorders built in, others with 15 megapixel cameras, others you can use like a Kindle and read books on, and even the cheapest you can watch t.v. on. What's with the huge difference between here and the US? So much for the benefits of capitalism when people are complacent with what they have, or just lazy.
My schedule is gonna be pretty close to what it was last year in terms of class hours; I'm a little worried about the work, whether it's what I have to put in to catch up or not, even though everyone tells me not to worry. Regardless, I have Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays off, so hopefully I will be taking a lot of trips. I had considered going for no class Thursdays too, but that would have been too much work and cut off too many interesting classes.
I'll have to remember to read all the directions whenever someone gives me something in Japanese now, cause this is at least the second time it's cost me a lot of effort from not fully understanding the directions, and one where I struggled on trying to correct my own mistake. Guess it's still kind of weird for me to ask people... hmm... regardless, here's my classes:
Topics in Sociolinguistics: Language policy/planning, multilingualism within communities, etc
Reading Comprehension 6 (numbers are on an 8 scale)
Comparative Cultural Studies: something about Europe and Japan, I forget though
Yoga
Kanji 6
Translation Advanced Theories (I've never studied translation, only attempted it in class and almost as a reflex when listening to people or songs, so I don't know how this will go...)
Judo for Self Defense (I really wanted Folk Dance, but it's not offered this semester...)
And hopefully, something like "Japanese society through popular song" from the post war era to the present day; it was so hard (boring, tedious) searching through the course lists -- in Japanese -- to find this so I hope all my effort was worth it.
As you can see it's a lot of playing for me, and I need to email back home and see if I will be able to get any credit for this. It's completely different from what I had planned haha, but then again I'm taking a lot more actual classes than I thought I would be. The Waseda schedule is kind of awkward... there is an hour or so between 2nd and 3rd period, so it leads to some awkward gaps in my schedule... There were a lot of interesting classes that I cut out or didn't even consider, because of their awkward times (one class I really wanted was on Saturday at 2 pm or so!!! wtf??), but hopefully they'll get better times next semester.
Itunes is almost done so I'll be cutting it short. I am hoping that I really put my weekends to good use; I'm excusing myself today because I just got it, but it's extremely easy to spend the entire day in front of the computer...
What I can say is, like I've heard, Epik High has pulled another genius talent from somewhere. I was so worried they would collapse when they went independent, but the quality of music has only improved, and hopefully big names will be able to collaborate with them soon so they can get the recognition they deserve. They're pretty inspiring.
I've still only watched about 30 mins of Okuribito, but I'm still stunned by the camera work. Still haven't bought mine, that will come when the class does as well I guess, but it makes me really want to try. There are cell phones here with HD cam recorders built in, others with 15 megapixel cameras, others you can use like a Kindle and read books on, and even the cheapest you can watch t.v. on. What's with the huge difference between here and the US? So much for the benefits of capitalism when people are complacent with what they have, or just lazy.
My schedule is gonna be pretty close to what it was last year in terms of class hours; I'm a little worried about the work, whether it's what I have to put in to catch up or not, even though everyone tells me not to worry. Regardless, I have Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays off, so hopefully I will be taking a lot of trips. I had considered going for no class Thursdays too, but that would have been too much work and cut off too many interesting classes.
I'll have to remember to read all the directions whenever someone gives me something in Japanese now, cause this is at least the second time it's cost me a lot of effort from not fully understanding the directions, and one where I struggled on trying to correct my own mistake. Guess it's still kind of weird for me to ask people... hmm... regardless, here's my classes:
Topics in Sociolinguistics: Language policy/planning, multilingualism within communities, etc
Reading Comprehension 6 (numbers are on an 8 scale)
Comparative Cultural Studies: something about Europe and Japan, I forget though
Yoga
Kanji 6
Translation Advanced Theories (I've never studied translation, only attempted it in class and almost as a reflex when listening to people or songs, so I don't know how this will go...)
Judo for Self Defense (I really wanted Folk Dance, but it's not offered this semester...)
And hopefully, something like "Japanese society through popular song" from the post war era to the present day; it was so hard (boring, tedious) searching through the course lists -- in Japanese -- to find this so I hope all my effort was worth it.
As you can see it's a lot of playing for me, and I need to email back home and see if I will be able to get any credit for this. It's completely different from what I had planned haha, but then again I'm taking a lot more actual classes than I thought I would be. The Waseda schedule is kind of awkward... there is an hour or so between 2nd and 3rd period, so it leads to some awkward gaps in my schedule... There were a lot of interesting classes that I cut out or didn't even consider, because of their awkward times (one class I really wanted was on Saturday at 2 pm or so!!! wtf??), but hopefully they'll get better times next semester.
Itunes is almost done so I'll be cutting it short. I am hoping that I really put my weekends to good use; I'm excusing myself today because I just got it, but it's extremely easy to spend the entire day in front of the computer...
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Kindred Spirit
Hmm, since reading Chang's post the other day I've really been wondering what it's like to meet someone really like you, if not the same personality then the same kind of trying experiences regardless of how they were transformed by them (for some reason Naruto/Gaara comes to mind first -- is that bad, or just an orthodox childhood? [btw that last chapter killed my respect for Gaara's character development.... I'd rather forget I read that]). But anyway, just discovered something of a kindred spirit in that regard. What's upcoming isn't why, but proof that I have a long long way to grow to reach even a point probably long past for people my age. A little extra self-reflection makes room for growth though, huh?
"What I do know is I cannot remain as I am, bitter and entrenched by my memories and my pain. I do not want to live out my nightmares that plague me during the night. Life is too wonderful for that. God is too powerful and loving for that. I will see what I can do. I will change. I will grow."
"What I do know is I cannot remain as I am, bitter and entrenched by my memories and my pain. I do not want to live out my nightmares that plague me during the night. Life is too wonderful for that. God is too powerful and loving for that. I will see what I can do. I will change. I will grow."
Long time....
So I realized I haven`t updated in a long time... Still trying to remember and type out my first 4 or so days that I logged in note form on my cell phone, but that hasn`t had much progress... Still don`t have internet in my dorm either, so it`s a pain to even attempt lately, much less get pictures and etc.
Today I went to Harajuku, and aside from everything that happened, I realized two things. One, lots of girls in Japan really know how to dress. And two, unfortunately the way a girl dresses has a huge affect on my initial attraction for her; if I don`t pay attention, it`s easy for me to spin in circles in a place like here, to add onto the confusion I will already have just from being in a crowded place. Unless it`s legs (well and a couple other things maybe haha) though, I treat it as purely/mostly an aesthetic kind of appreciation. Face (ie prettyness) and age and sometimes sex don`t really matter for that category I guess; I found myself thinking a group of probably middle schooler`s haircuts were all really cool/fit their styles and outward personalities...
It`s interesting, really, thinking about clothes in a serious way like this for the first time (I usually just reflect on the lack of choice guys have in wardrobe and whether that`s a bad or good thing...). But yeah, enough for tonight. Tommorow is the SILS opening ceremony (yay?), I`m supposed to register for some classes or something, trying to finally get a phone, and finding that RA of mine to get my internet done. Hopefully everything goes smoothly, and even this plan I have to save some money by buying groceries works out. Banks are closed til Thursday so I`m testing myself and seeing if I can hold on to $100 by the weeks end; money goes way too fast in this town, especially fro someone whose pockets throw cash to the wind (BTW I HATE JAPANESE COINS. I`ve lost a lot of money to unreachable spaces underneath store cabinets and such... coins go up to $5 so they can be a big deal, unlike in the states. I bought myself a special wallet thing just for the coins in the beginning cause I was losing so much, but even that isn`t working so well to keep me on track...).
Also, I started watching Okuribito (Departures). So far the cinematography is wonderful. Only a half hour or so in but I want to finish it soon; also need to find some more Owarai, I can watch that stuff all day even when it`s not that funny. For some reason it`s got magic over me... Ok ok too much English for one day. (Wait! Chang! I wore my SOK shirt and people have been asking me about it all day :D Ok bye for real now haha).
Today I went to Harajuku, and aside from everything that happened, I realized two things. One, lots of girls in Japan really know how to dress. And two, unfortunately the way a girl dresses has a huge affect on my initial attraction for her; if I don`t pay attention, it`s easy for me to spin in circles in a place like here, to add onto the confusion I will already have just from being in a crowded place. Unless it`s legs (well and a couple other things maybe haha) though, I treat it as purely/mostly an aesthetic kind of appreciation. Face (ie prettyness) and age and sometimes sex don`t really matter for that category I guess; I found myself thinking a group of probably middle schooler`s haircuts were all really cool/fit their styles and outward personalities...
It`s interesting, really, thinking about clothes in a serious way like this for the first time (I usually just reflect on the lack of choice guys have in wardrobe and whether that`s a bad or good thing...). But yeah, enough for tonight. Tommorow is the SILS opening ceremony (yay?), I`m supposed to register for some classes or something, trying to finally get a phone, and finding that RA of mine to get my internet done. Hopefully everything goes smoothly, and even this plan I have to save some money by buying groceries works out. Banks are closed til Thursday so I`m testing myself and seeing if I can hold on to $100 by the weeks end; money goes way too fast in this town, especially fro someone whose pockets throw cash to the wind (BTW I HATE JAPANESE COINS. I`ve lost a lot of money to unreachable spaces underneath store cabinets and such... coins go up to $5 so they can be a big deal, unlike in the states. I bought myself a special wallet thing just for the coins in the beginning cause I was losing so much, but even that isn`t working so well to keep me on track...).
Also, I started watching Okuribito (Departures). So far the cinematography is wonderful. Only a half hour or so in but I want to finish it soon; also need to find some more Owarai, I can watch that stuff all day even when it`s not that funny. For some reason it`s got magic over me... Ok ok too much English for one day. (Wait! Chang! I wore my SOK shirt and people have been asking me about it all day :D Ok bye for real now haha).
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Last Thoughts
I'm about to leave for Japan.. still can't believe it's actually happening.
Kind of second guessing, wondering WHY I CHOSE THIS, why I am leaving behind so many amazing people. (Looking back at this blog, it's amazing how thoughts change over time; so there's still hope for me yet, and some situations I have found myself in, I guess.)
Every few hours or so I have been getting a wave of texts from friends old and new, close and still approaching, encouraging, well-wishing, saying goodbye. It's amazing how many of them give me the strength and conviction to go through with this, while at the same time creating an anchor for me back home, that at the same time makes it harder to leave.
Tonight's dinner party was great, and there were so many pictures taken. I am wishing everyone got to know someone a little bit closer tonight, and made a new friend; but most of all I am glad to have seen everyone together, brought my family a little closer to my life away from home, and maybe given my friends a new experience, hopefully something that they can look back on and cherish. I'm excited to hear all of the developments that come from my friends and family as the year goes by (I know it will be quick!), and I will try to use this to keep track of some things that are happening with me. Who knows, I might continue my path of don-don becoming a better person...
Now I need to run and pack, my flight is leaving really soon. My mom set an alarm and it is going off, interrupting my thoughts and forcing me to get to work. It's chilling, almost scary, that sound... and will keep going until I take care of it and everything else I need to be doing.
Kind of second guessing, wondering WHY I CHOSE THIS, why I am leaving behind so many amazing people. (Looking back at this blog, it's amazing how thoughts change over time; so there's still hope for me yet, and some situations I have found myself in, I guess.)
Every few hours or so I have been getting a wave of texts from friends old and new, close and still approaching, encouraging, well-wishing, saying goodbye. It's amazing how many of them give me the strength and conviction to go through with this, while at the same time creating an anchor for me back home, that at the same time makes it harder to leave.
Tonight's dinner party was great, and there were so many pictures taken. I am wishing everyone got to know someone a little bit closer tonight, and made a new friend; but most of all I am glad to have seen everyone together, brought my family a little closer to my life away from home, and maybe given my friends a new experience, hopefully something that they can look back on and cherish. I'm excited to hear all of the developments that come from my friends and family as the year goes by (I know it will be quick!), and I will try to use this to keep track of some things that are happening with me. Who knows, I might continue my path of don-don becoming a better person...
Now I need to run and pack, my flight is leaving really soon. My mom set an alarm and it is going off, interrupting my thoughts and forcing me to get to work. It's chilling, almost scary, that sound... and will keep going until I take care of it and everything else I need to be doing.
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