Personality Splits and Other Acrobatic Moves I'm Learning

I'm starting to hate English.

Not like I didn't before but, I'm actually starting to dislike using it. I suppose that's good and I should be happy, but I can't help feeling that it's bad simply because I don't like the... let's pretend and say 'proficiency'... that I have in it.

That is to say, I've had experiences -- sad, trying, fun, and joyful -- in my life, just like every other person, but only in English. It's kind of scary to think that I have never experienced something that lasts strongly in my mind (as a singular moment or span of time, something I can isolate and review over and over) in Japanese, and only have a kind of lump sum impression of the random things in Japanese that have happened over the past few weeks (whether that's not having enough sleep or 飲み会・公園パーティのせい I don't really know)...

Even yesterday, I was talking with another American (in Japanese) about the election, and trying to translate that and the emotions with it (basically SARAH PALIN IS AN IDIOT AND I AM EMBARRASSED THAT SHE WAS EVEN CONSIDERED TO BE PLACED IN A POSITION TO POSSIBLY BE ELECTED TO ANY PLACE OF POWER WITH CONSEQUENCE [because who knows what happens in Alaska??]) I was getting heated, but it was pure frustration at not being able to express it easily.

Which brings me to my point. I think the English me is somewhat depressed. Remembering good experiences is great, but there are also recent bad ones, ones I thought were fine or I had already moved past but that only got worse the closer I got to leaving... Those unraveled threads, the things I couldn't or didn't bring myself to tie up, easily bring me to tears now that it's too late...

But the Japanese me can't do that kind of thing. I don't have the experiences or the vocabulary to express that in any way, or put the emotion behind my words; sometimes that's liberating, and other times I feel trapped. For instance the other day, someone in reference to supposing me モテモテ (something like popular with the ladies?) asked "Why don't you have a girlfriend?" My answer was I'd like to know why too (a lie), and that anyway being friends with someone was more important than that. That was it. The overall lesson I thought I had finished learning over summer and that was painfully drilled into me later on (as if going over multiplication tables in the 30's or taking a post in the military [heh how ironic that comes out... stupid connections...]), summed up, painless, uttered and mostly forgotten.

So I don't know what I should do. I somehow feel more free to go out and do things and can ignore that trapped feeling, but the iminent threat of one day being able to express myself (I'm taking classes on that exact topic. Wheeee.), to feel, is well, scary. Would I become restless, move on to another language and simply drift through people and interactions with them, however shallow? Or would I someday find a language or frame of mind to conquer the darkness? Contrasting struggles brings to light Kingdom Hearts...

"I've been having these weird thoughts lately.... Like, is any of this for real... or not?"

"All worlds begin in darkness, and all so end. The heart is no different. Darkness sprouts within it, it grows, consumes it. Such is its nature."

"Although my heart may be weak, it's not alone. It's grown with each new experience. And it's found a home with all the friends I've made. I've become a part of their heart, just as they've become a part of mine. And if they think of me now and then, if they don't forget me, then our hearts will be one. I don't need a weapon. My friends are my power!"

"Now, open your heart, surrender it to the darkness!"

"The heart may be weak. And sometimes it may even give in. But I've learned... that deep down there's a light that never goes out!"

"So you have come this far, and still you understand nothing. Every light must fade, every heart returns to darkness!"

A little out there but still extrapolating the feeling of choice that I have at this point in time; simplifying too much maybe but feels like there are only 2 choices, and maybe I'm already walking down the wrong one, or worse sitting still. "The remedy, for memory..."



I think that's why this song scares me and one of the reasons I appreciate Epik High and Nell so much, their ability to capture emotion, sometimes in only a few words. Will I move that way too? I can feel myself trying to, even just a little.

"I've... learned how to smile... Even when I'm feeling sad."

"Guard your emotions first"

"No matter how dark the night, morning always comes, and our journey begins anew."