Fate. Promises. Journeys. Friends. So little sleep the world is starting to spin... Goodnight, but I do wonder how sleep deprivationeffects the psyche

So, I haven't made much progress on my Japanese. Need to focus more, I guess, be more willing to speak up and test and of course go back to my summer self, watching dramas and listening to music and repeating everything I hear and reading for fun and looking up random words in the kanji dictionary while spending hours translating single pages of random books I find. What happened to that me, so so long ago (it was only summer...)?

Things were very bleh for a while, with me forgetting nearly all of the important things that I wanted and/or needed to do (I STILL need to get my re-entry permit argh), which meant everything from parties and circle stuff, connecting someone to people back home, to replying to emails, setting up my bank account, even stuff to receive a scholarship! So I was very "blur" for a while, to borrow a Singlish term, cooking and eating at 2,3,4 am and sleeping at 5,6, or 7 simply to enjoy my own solitude, which never amounted to anything productive. I screwed up and forgot to change my class registration, so I had to say goodbye to my 3 day weekend and sign up for 2 more classes with a pretty heavy work load (for me at least, and comparatively probably so). Everyone told me classwork would be pretty easy, and I guess it is? Only I managed to get myself into classes where there is a lot of work @__@ or at least a lot compared to my expectations, relying on the people who told me I would be having a ton of free time (well I messed that up for myself, but yeah...) Actually the class I was guilt-forced (self-induced) to sign up for is actually a good class, on Japanese writers after WWII, and the teacher usually gives the original Japanese along with the English translation, so I can compare. I have a translation class, but I have met some serious translation majors (Russian, their Japanese is really good), some people who are just ... really good.... other people are beginners but learning the basics much faster than I did, people of various levels so I find myself intimidated and inspired at the same time. Can those be conflicting emotions?

I have 2 classes with Japanese students: one Judo class, and one class about how War is and has been taught in the Japanese education system. Judo class worries me because the instructor talks like an older man (he is an older man...), but I can't understand most of what he says. We only had one class, but still I was intimidated to ask some of the other students what was going on; this is the first year study abroad students can take classes with regular Japanese students, so I am sort of a 代表, representative for the future generations... (I think the people in my level are generally better at Japanese though...). The War class troubles me because, I can barely understand the material, much less form my own opinions about it, or prepare an answer while trying to catch what all is said. We have LONG readings in this class, first was 30 pgs and second was 40, IN JAPANESE. I should have expected it, I guess; it was one of the few classes left, after all (haha). But a friend is in the class with me, so we will tough it out somehow. My Kanji class is really close to the level I want to be at right now; to prepare for the JLPT it will go over a lot of 重要常用漢字, but to really master the material for the test and hope to conquer the highest level, it's recommended that we go into the next highest level; it's all the same teacher, and she is incredibly, unbelievably amazing; knows her kanji and LOVES it, puts so much work into the preparation and makes us learn because we want to. It's an inspiring teaching method, and I hope that I can talk to her one day soon about it. Unfortunately that next highest Kanji level is at the same time as the War class, which is absolutely unmovable, undroppable for any reason, so I am left with the proposition of toughing out this level (it will be tough, but I cannot imagine being able to balance the work load I have now with the additional stress of learning more than triple the kanji I am now per week...) and taking the next level next semester, and studying on my own possibly for the test (or just giving up on the idea lol), or study HARD over winter break (when I should be enjoying traveling) the material from the next level and hope that I will be able to jump up to the highest level that we have (I wonder what kind of people are in that class...) and CRAM CRAM CRAM for that test... I also want to be studying for and taking the GRE while I am here, or at least prepare enough to where I will be able to do it back in the states like no problem, so there's the added burden of english vocabulary (I think that's the biggest problem I will have, although I forgot what the other sections are besides math... maybe a subject test but that would be overkill maybe...), and I STILL need to go to the American embassy....

Anyway, basically I am not used to going to school anymore so HW and focusing is still rough... very rough... and I am once again allowing myself to sit inside my room and rot when the least I could be doing is enjoy the day -- which is where my determination to buy a (totally unneccessary, although maybe I can squeeze some savings out of it) bike -- but that was making me pretty disgusted with myself as well; Did you really come here for this?? I would think to myself, unable to ask or answer.

So the Typhoon came. I stayed up too late again and slept through practically the entire thing; when I woke up the skies were clear and beautiful and perfect. So of course, I decided to fester for a few more hours indoors (I don't watch tv on my phone or even any of the dramas on my harddrive anymore... I don't know what I do. Lately showers (keep in mind now, they have pump action) take me upwards of an hour, which is absolutely ridiculous by my standards, except for when I purposefully did it in the shower after a particularly bad practice or soccer game, just standing and absorbing in the heat, lost in thought, replay and imagination...) and had a sudden jolt at the realization that TODAY was the last day to turn in the form saying that you would go to a pizza party with the advisors. Since I'm all for free food, in looking for the form I checked my brand spanking new school email address and found that I had completely MISSED the deadline for a scholarship sign up; and so, a MONTH'S stipend had washed down the drain. Depressed, particularly by the completely opposite responses I received regarded my inquiry into the matter (whether I could still get my money or not, basically; but it's a good thing I went with my instincts and sent two emails!) I ran down to the school in a panic, got everything settled (except for my housing bill but that's another story), changed classes which was a real hassle and ruined my weekend (I would have had a FIVE DAY WEEKEND THIS WEEK. SOB.), among other things.

OK I just realized, my sense of time is very off (I think it was during that entire period as well as now, as I am running on 2 hours of sleep for two days full of walking... but anyway I'll be quick, and yeah a lot of that stuff should be separarte evetns. Girls have such a good memory... like, they can discuss what other people wear... kind of intense. But anyway, on typhoon day I was coming from the school, or maybe my dorm, sometime before dark, on my way to buy a bike. I barely get outside the dorm then a random guy on a bike should come up and ask if I was an international student. I said yeah, why, and he explained he goes to Waseda too and was interested in some kind of cultural exchange with international students. At this point I could see that he was weird and progressively worsened my Japanese in a bid to be polite but still get away. I gave my friend a lot of crap for not being able to deal with creepy guys on the metro back home, but maybe she has a similar loss of words/thoughts. He started asking me stranger and stranger questions, like if I did sports (I had my sportport soccer shirt on, and he wanted to show me some sketch soccer team within his own club), and otherwise paid WAY too much attention to me. Later he asked me about religion and I kind of mad up something/half said the truth; I mentioned that among other things, I sometimes read the bible as an academic text, and instantly he seized upon that opening to invite me to his bible study. He kept trying to get me to say I would go, and even resorted to pulling out his phone as a subtle hint to exchange numbers (I would have hella 断るed this guy...) but all of this was over 5 or 10 minute conversation, and just as I was about to basically run away from this guy (he was heading the same way I was...) TOMI WALKS UP and recognizes me (she had just seen my haircut on fb haha). I was so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so happy to see her!!!! She'll get her own post tommorow, but right after we got away from that guy (being Japanese and refusing stuff... must be hard haha..), she told me the DEAN of the school had told her to stay away from political activist and religious groups on campus. Clubs here are intense (need to write letter to Martha), but apparently they are like Scientology in inescapable society terms...

Should be doing hw...

Finally sat down and finished Okuribito. Beautiful, beautiful movie. It left me with a deep respect for both the caretakers and the departed and now I kind of want to be buried that way... not sure if they still do it that way though, or if you can find someone that puts the same amount of heart into it, not just ceremony/ritual (although it's changed my view on the role of ritual as well...)

Some of the themes in the movie twisted my heart, and while I know things may not turn out all movie-esque it's making me wonder:

Can you ever truly forgive someone who has abandoned you? Not just forget or reach a point where you don't care anymore, but really, absolutely forgive?

For me it seems a faraway goal I'm not even sure I want to reach...

ARGH

I am annoyed with everything, all the time. Even the things about my friends I know I liked a few days ago ><;; But trying hard to fight it.

Also I learned tonight that women really are fickle! So difficult... (hahaha I guess I can laugh about it now...)

Went to Akihabara to look for a electronic dictionary without any preparation... so I spent $4 to go and eat a $1 crappy convenience store apple pie, try the $1 McPork at mcdonalds (which was delicious) and drink a bit of the disgusting coffee they gave for free for some reason, and walk around for 3 hours lost and confused @___@

Now is time for homework, not sure how much of that will actually get done...

Homesick... Culture Shock

I'm really starting to enjoy cooking... the only problem is the kitchen only gets completely free after about 2 am, so I've been up til 3 or 4 am most of the week, getting less sleep than I do back at WU... and being all alone on the 5th floor, listening to music, gives me time to think I found out tonight, about everything... I wish I was back and think about all the mistakes I made before coming and all the oppurtunities/salvations/simple actions I let slip through my fingers over the past few years. But I realize this means I should buy a bike and get out of the dorm more, get more sleep and do my work, make some friends, learn some Japanese...

I think I just really hate having a roommate, even the idea of it now haha after hmm 2 bad years of them. But my current is pretty annoying... He likes to leave the giant window open to bugs... and when I came back to the room tonight it was 19 degrees C = 66 degrees wtf!! 80 F is my ideal room temperature, so I'm already compromising when it's 22... And also he pretended he didn't speak english when I first met him... that really pissed me off (rather than hey, let's speak Japanese together like I was planning on...) so I haven't talked to him since I found out really haha. But yeah. Next year, single please!

Gah need to wake up in 3.5 hours for health check, group presentation, bank account, join yoga, soran bushi (traditional japanese fisherman dance, look it up!), hanging out with friends (maybe...) homework homework homework...

Going places...

Everyone around me is so good at traveling! I need to start going places...

Personality Splits and Other Acrobatic Moves I'm Learning

I'm starting to hate English.

Not like I didn't before but, I'm actually starting to dislike using it. I suppose that's good and I should be happy, but I can't help feeling that it's bad simply because I don't like the... let's pretend and say 'proficiency'... that I have in it.

That is to say, I've had experiences -- sad, trying, fun, and joyful -- in my life, just like every other person, but only in English. It's kind of scary to think that I have never experienced something that lasts strongly in my mind (as a singular moment or span of time, something I can isolate and review over and over) in Japanese, and only have a kind of lump sum impression of the random things in Japanese that have happened over the past few weeks (whether that's not having enough sleep or 飲み会・公園パーティのせい I don't really know)...

Even yesterday, I was talking with another American (in Japanese) about the election, and trying to translate that and the emotions with it (basically SARAH PALIN IS AN IDIOT AND I AM EMBARRASSED THAT SHE WAS EVEN CONSIDERED TO BE PLACED IN A POSITION TO POSSIBLY BE ELECTED TO ANY PLACE OF POWER WITH CONSEQUENCE [because who knows what happens in Alaska??]) I was getting heated, but it was pure frustration at not being able to express it easily.

Which brings me to my point. I think the English me is somewhat depressed. Remembering good experiences is great, but there are also recent bad ones, ones I thought were fine or I had already moved past but that only got worse the closer I got to leaving... Those unraveled threads, the things I couldn't or didn't bring myself to tie up, easily bring me to tears now that it's too late...

But the Japanese me can't do that kind of thing. I don't have the experiences or the vocabulary to express that in any way, or put the emotion behind my words; sometimes that's liberating, and other times I feel trapped. For instance the other day, someone in reference to supposing me モテモテ (something like popular with the ladies?) asked "Why don't you have a girlfriend?" My answer was I'd like to know why too (a lie), and that anyway being friends with someone was more important than that. That was it. The overall lesson I thought I had finished learning over summer and that was painfully drilled into me later on (as if going over multiplication tables in the 30's or taking a post in the military [heh how ironic that comes out... stupid connections...]), summed up, painless, uttered and mostly forgotten.

So I don't know what I should do. I somehow feel more free to go out and do things and can ignore that trapped feeling, but the iminent threat of one day being able to express myself (I'm taking classes on that exact topic. Wheeee.), to feel, is well, scary. Would I become restless, move on to another language and simply drift through people and interactions with them, however shallow? Or would I someday find a language or frame of mind to conquer the darkness? Contrasting struggles brings to light Kingdom Hearts...

"I've been having these weird thoughts lately.... Like, is any of this for real... or not?"

"All worlds begin in darkness, and all so end. The heart is no different. Darkness sprouts within it, it grows, consumes it. Such is its nature."

"Although my heart may be weak, it's not alone. It's grown with each new experience. And it's found a home with all the friends I've made. I've become a part of their heart, just as they've become a part of mine. And if they think of me now and then, if they don't forget me, then our hearts will be one. I don't need a weapon. My friends are my power!"

"Now, open your heart, surrender it to the darkness!"

"The heart may be weak. And sometimes it may even give in. But I've learned... that deep down there's a light that never goes out!"

"So you have come this far, and still you understand nothing. Every light must fade, every heart returns to darkness!"

A little out there but still extrapolating the feeling of choice that I have at this point in time; simplifying too much maybe but feels like there are only 2 choices, and maybe I'm already walking down the wrong one, or worse sitting still. "The remedy, for memory..."



I think that's why this song scares me and one of the reasons I appreciate Epik High and Nell so much, their ability to capture emotion, sometimes in only a few words. Will I move that way too? I can feel myself trying to, even just a little.

"I've... learned how to smile... Even when I'm feeling sad."

"Guard your emotions first"

"No matter how dark the night, morning always comes, and our journey begins anew."

Phones & Odaiba

Got cellphones the other day, took nearly the whole day. Afterwards got some groceries and cooked (well some of the girls cooked for me haha since I didn't have a clue what I was doing...) curry-ish stuff with vegetables and meat. Overall I spent too much money for that meal -___-;;

Today was the Tokyo tour; I really wanted to go to Akihabara and Roppongi (which wound up being a trip to the Emperor's Palace), but went with my friends to Odaiba, which I really only knew as a popular date spot. We got there (round trip it was 1000 yen gurai...), it was crowded and had to eat bentou for lunch (another 600 yen...) and pretty, nice beach but then the shops aren't so fun for me; spent that time with good people though, so it was ok. Afterwards there was a nomikai so went to that, another 2500 yen(!) and afterwards was another 200 for snacks for the park (which the police politely busted up); so basically I spent a lot of money today. Glad the banks are open tommorow hahah, although I will need to find a job soon or won't be able to travel. Going to bed now, it's nearly 3 am. Check fb for picture updates :) Tommorow is bank account, and possibly teaching english pronounciation to a drama club... and anything else I remember I'm forgetting... gonna start using that planner for real hahahaha.