So, as I was searching through my gmail to label all the things I've sent myself to watch, I came across this, which seems like I've never posted, so I decided to post it here. I don't know when it's from (sometime around the election, but I have no idea when that was), but I do remember writing it and some of the emotions that came with it.
On a related note, I found something that Melissa recommended me to watch, and I am struggling to decide whether or not I should actually watch it, whether that decision has anything to do with her (whether I would make it mean something like that) and some kind of possibly misplaced nostalgia, or whether I just want to see something good. For now I've labeled that email as well, but who knows if I'll open it again.
I also found an old conversation with Yuka around the time we broke up, which is really ironic or interesting or something because I was talking with Haruna the other day, and yeah hearing about your actions from the other person's point of view is always interesting. (It's not always cultural differences, either!) Makes me really appreciate Wong Fu's "See Through" even more than when I watched it earlier today.
--------------
(the first, unpublished blog post)
Obama is going to be president... it's a little surreal...
As the days pass and the nights get longer, my room gets lonelier and lonelier. I can feel myself trying to avoid it and especially trying to avoid eating candy and things that will force me up into the night, trying to watch movies/Japanese period dramas to fall asleep... I am getting more and more tempted to ask someone to sleep over once to hopefully alleviate some of my apprehension and have some good conversation doing it, but it's such a strange, embarrassing request I don't think I'll have the guts to ask it any time while I actually need it.
I found out the scholarship I wanted to apply for (for learning Korean) is due in a few days, and I don't really have any close faculty I can ask for a recommendation letter, which I've found is a problem. But, I'm going to ask a few of my teachers if they would be willing and go ahead and apply for it anyway, just in case. I think it would be an amazing oppurtunity, and actually will help me in my goals and open up a pathway to a possible career.
I've been trying to keep track of the time I waste and use it more effectively, but (nan to naku) suddenly my work seems like it's more than I can handle. Got to work through it, give up some things (like the movie tommorow T__T, which I really wanted to see), get other things cracking. Destroy those weak, time wasting spots and get some effective study skills.
Today I took ~3 hours and went to get free ice cream, pizza, and cake, all of which was intended for people that actually voted. I hate telling people I didn't vote, or pretending like I did so they'll go away. I actually wind up making different stories to tell people, but I'm luckily none of them actually talk to one another, haha. But anyway, that was a pretty good study break.
Apparently the way I hang out with girls gives people the absolute wrong impressions. It is kind of unnerving.
That letter is still getting written, by the way. Hopefully, it'll be done soon.
Sore de wa,
(back to work)
---------------------
(the second, a sent mail to Yuka, different from the conversation I mentioned but from the same time period)
you can't ask me the favor now?
i need to talk to mel, we're supposed to celebrate finals being over with ice cream and that korean movie the "The King and the Clown". you should watch it with us on veoh or something ^_~ you'll like it, it's a good movie and one of the main character guys is really pretty. he's giving you a run for your money, haha (jk. he is really pretty though).
so anyway i will talk to her and tell you what time i'll be on later, k?
have fun meeting up with Chuan-wen!
-----------------------
So I realized that blog post, and most of the other ones with it, probably wound up on another blog I had been keeping before this one. But I don't look at that one nowadays so it's refreshing and frustrating to try and measure how much I've changed from those points, snapshots of the past me(s).
(For the record, I asked the only person I really trusted/yearned for then to stay over and it was a weird request and because of past actions it didn't happen, particularly because it needed to be in my room; I didn't apply for the Korean scholarship because I actually did get even more scared about asking teachers for the recommendation and passed it off as something that would not allow me to work over the summer and would hinder my progress in Japanese, but it's something that I am regretting now and probably will only have one more chance for after senior year, even though that interferes with so many other plans/ideas of things I could do; My time management is still non-existent, although now I believe it has something to do with the time I shower, in that maybe I've tricked myself into subconsciously thinking that once a shower has been taken it's time to get to work, and particularly on a day like today where it's 6 pm and I haven't been down to take one yet, it's very detrimental to health, relationships, and work ability)
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
疲れた。。。
この頃、四五六時に寝るものです。どうしても、宿題をせずに、誰にも話さずに、音楽を聞きながら、同じサイトを回ったり、次の日のなにをしなくちゃいけないことを考えて戦略を作ったりするということ。
すぐなんか変えなきゃあ。。。自転車を買っちゃったから、それを薬として、この町を体験・探索しに行くつもり。
もう、十分の一つが飛んで消えた。
それが、なんとなく怖い。
自分がやりたいことを見つけるため
友達を作ったり手伝ったりするため
心・精神・思想を打ち解けるため
常・知識を得るため
もう、今までの命の間違うやり方を変えてみてゆく。
自分を大切にする。友達に頼られる自分になる。何事もあきらめない。人に優しく、自分に厳しく。常に壁を越える。
飛び出すよ!この十ヶ月のように
すぐなんか変えなきゃあ。。。自転車を買っちゃったから、それを薬として、この町を体験・探索しに行くつもり。
もう、十分の一つが飛んで消えた。
それが、なんとなく怖い。
自分がやりたいことを見つけるため
友達を作ったり手伝ったりするため
心・精神・思想を打ち解けるため
常・知識を得るため
もう、今までの命の間違うやり方を変えてみてゆく。
自分を大切にする。友達に頼られる自分になる。何事もあきらめない。人に優しく、自分に厳しく。常に壁を越える。
飛び出すよ!この十ヶ月のように
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Fate. Promises. Journeys. Friends. So little sleep the world is starting to spin... Goodnight, but I do wonder how sleep deprivationeffects the psyche
So, I haven't made much progress on my Japanese. Need to focus more, I guess, be more willing to speak up and test and of course go back to my summer self, watching dramas and listening to music and repeating everything I hear and reading for fun and looking up random words in the kanji dictionary while spending hours translating single pages of random books I find. What happened to that me, so so long ago (it was only summer...)?
Things were very bleh for a while, with me forgetting nearly all of the important things that I wanted and/or needed to do (I STILL need to get my re-entry permit argh), which meant everything from parties and circle stuff, connecting someone to people back home, to replying to emails, setting up my bank account, even stuff to receive a scholarship! So I was very "blur" for a while, to borrow a Singlish term, cooking and eating at 2,3,4 am and sleeping at 5,6, or 7 simply to enjoy my own solitude, which never amounted to anything productive. I screwed up and forgot to change my class registration, so I had to say goodbye to my 3 day weekend and sign up for 2 more classes with a pretty heavy work load (for me at least, and comparatively probably so). Everyone told me classwork would be pretty easy, and I guess it is? Only I managed to get myself into classes where there is a lot of work @__@ or at least a lot compared to my expectations, relying on the people who told me I would be having a ton of free time (well I messed that up for myself, but yeah...) Actually the class I was guilt-forced (self-induced) to sign up for is actually a good class, on Japanese writers after WWII, and the teacher usually gives the original Japanese along with the English translation, so I can compare. I have a translation class, but I have met some serious translation majors (Russian, their Japanese is really good), some people who are just ... really good.... other people are beginners but learning the basics much faster than I did, people of various levels so I find myself intimidated and inspired at the same time. Can those be conflicting emotions?
I have 2 classes with Japanese students: one Judo class, and one class about how War is and has been taught in the Japanese education system. Judo class worries me because the instructor talks like an older man (he is an older man...), but I can't understand most of what he says. We only had one class, but still I was intimidated to ask some of the other students what was going on; this is the first year study abroad students can take classes with regular Japanese students, so I am sort of a 代表, representative for the future generations... (I think the people in my level are generally better at Japanese though...). The War class troubles me because, I can barely understand the material, much less form my own opinions about it, or prepare an answer while trying to catch what all is said. We have LONG readings in this class, first was 30 pgs and second was 40, IN JAPANESE. I should have expected it, I guess; it was one of the few classes left, after all (haha). But a friend is in the class with me, so we will tough it out somehow. My Kanji class is really close to the level I want to be at right now; to prepare for the JLPT it will go over a lot of 重要常用漢字, but to really master the material for the test and hope to conquer the highest level, it's recommended that we go into the next highest level; it's all the same teacher, and she is incredibly, unbelievably amazing; knows her kanji and LOVES it, puts so much work into the preparation and makes us learn because we want to. It's an inspiring teaching method, and I hope that I can talk to her one day soon about it. Unfortunately that next highest Kanji level is at the same time as the War class, which is absolutely unmovable, undroppable for any reason, so I am left with the proposition of toughing out this level (it will be tough, but I cannot imagine being able to balance the work load I have now with the additional stress of learning more than triple the kanji I am now per week...) and taking the next level next semester, and studying on my own possibly for the test (or just giving up on the idea lol), or study HARD over winter break (when I should be enjoying traveling) the material from the next level and hope that I will be able to jump up to the highest level that we have (I wonder what kind of people are in that class...) and CRAM CRAM CRAM for that test... I also want to be studying for and taking the GRE while I am here, or at least prepare enough to where I will be able to do it back in the states like no problem, so there's the added burden of english vocabulary (I think that's the biggest problem I will have, although I forgot what the other sections are besides math... maybe a subject test but that would be overkill maybe...), and I STILL need to go to the American embassy....
Anyway, basically I am not used to going to school anymore so HW and focusing is still rough... very rough... and I am once again allowing myself to sit inside my room and rot when the least I could be doing is enjoy the day -- which is where my determination to buy a (totally unneccessary, although maybe I can squeeze some savings out of it) bike -- but that was making me pretty disgusted with myself as well; Did you really come here for this?? I would think to myself, unable to ask or answer.
So the Typhoon came. I stayed up too late again and slept through practically the entire thing; when I woke up the skies were clear and beautiful and perfect. So of course, I decided to fester for a few more hours indoors (I don't watch tv on my phone or even any of the dramas on my harddrive anymore... I don't know what I do. Lately showers (keep in mind now, they have pump action) take me upwards of an hour, which is absolutely ridiculous by my standards, except for when I purposefully did it in the shower after a particularly bad practice or soccer game, just standing and absorbing in the heat, lost in thought, replay and imagination...) and had a sudden jolt at the realization that TODAY was the last day to turn in the form saying that you would go to a pizza party with the advisors. Since I'm all for free food, in looking for the form I checked my brand spanking new school email address and found that I had completely MISSED the deadline for a scholarship sign up; and so, a MONTH'S stipend had washed down the drain. Depressed, particularly by the completely opposite responses I received regarded my inquiry into the matter (whether I could still get my money or not, basically; but it's a good thing I went with my instincts and sent two emails!) I ran down to the school in a panic, got everything settled (except for my housing bill but that's another story), changed classes which was a real hassle and ruined my weekend (I would have had a FIVE DAY WEEKEND THIS WEEK. SOB.), among other things.
OK I just realized, my sense of time is very off (I think it was during that entire period as well as now, as I am running on 2 hours of sleep for two days full of walking... but anyway I'll be quick, and yeah a lot of that stuff should be separarte evetns. Girls have such a good memory... like, they can discuss what other people wear... kind of intense. But anyway, on typhoon day I was coming from the school, or maybe my dorm, sometime before dark, on my way to buy a bike. I barely get outside the dorm then a random guy on a bike should come up and ask if I was an international student. I said yeah, why, and he explained he goes to Waseda too and was interested in some kind of cultural exchange with international students. At this point I could see that he was weird and progressively worsened my Japanese in a bid to be polite but still get away. I gave my friend a lot of crap for not being able to deal with creepy guys on the metro back home, but maybe she has a similar loss of words/thoughts. He started asking me stranger and stranger questions, like if I did sports (I had my sportport soccer shirt on, and he wanted to show me some sketch soccer team within his own club), and otherwise paid WAY too much attention to me. Later he asked me about religion and I kind of mad up something/half said the truth; I mentioned that among other things, I sometimes read the bible as an academic text, and instantly he seized upon that opening to invite me to his bible study. He kept trying to get me to say I would go, and even resorted to pulling out his phone as a subtle hint to exchange numbers (I would have hella 断るed this guy...) but all of this was over 5 or 10 minute conversation, and just as I was about to basically run away from this guy (he was heading the same way I was...) TOMI WALKS UP and recognizes me (she had just seen my haircut on fb haha). I was so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so happy to see her!!!! She'll get her own post tommorow, but right after we got away from that guy (being Japanese and refusing stuff... must be hard haha..), she told me the DEAN of the school had told her to stay away from political activist and religious groups on campus. Clubs here are intense (need to write letter to Martha), but apparently they are like Scientology in inescapable society terms...
Things were very bleh for a while, with me forgetting nearly all of the important things that I wanted and/or needed to do (I STILL need to get my re-entry permit argh), which meant everything from parties and circle stuff, connecting someone to people back home, to replying to emails, setting up my bank account, even stuff to receive a scholarship! So I was very "blur" for a while, to borrow a Singlish term, cooking and eating at 2,3,4 am and sleeping at 5,6, or 7 simply to enjoy my own solitude, which never amounted to anything productive. I screwed up and forgot to change my class registration, so I had to say goodbye to my 3 day weekend and sign up for 2 more classes with a pretty heavy work load (for me at least, and comparatively probably so). Everyone told me classwork would be pretty easy, and I guess it is? Only I managed to get myself into classes where there is a lot of work @__@ or at least a lot compared to my expectations, relying on the people who told me I would be having a ton of free time (well I messed that up for myself, but yeah...) Actually the class I was guilt-forced (self-induced) to sign up for is actually a good class, on Japanese writers after WWII, and the teacher usually gives the original Japanese along with the English translation, so I can compare. I have a translation class, but I have met some serious translation majors (Russian, their Japanese is really good), some people who are just ... really good.... other people are beginners but learning the basics much faster than I did, people of various levels so I find myself intimidated and inspired at the same time. Can those be conflicting emotions?
I have 2 classes with Japanese students: one Judo class, and one class about how War is and has been taught in the Japanese education system. Judo class worries me because the instructor talks like an older man (he is an older man...), but I can't understand most of what he says. We only had one class, but still I was intimidated to ask some of the other students what was going on; this is the first year study abroad students can take classes with regular Japanese students, so I am sort of a 代表, representative for the future generations... (I think the people in my level are generally better at Japanese though...). The War class troubles me because, I can barely understand the material, much less form my own opinions about it, or prepare an answer while trying to catch what all is said. We have LONG readings in this class, first was 30 pgs and second was 40, IN JAPANESE. I should have expected it, I guess; it was one of the few classes left, after all (haha). But a friend is in the class with me, so we will tough it out somehow. My Kanji class is really close to the level I want to be at right now; to prepare for the JLPT it will go over a lot of 重要常用漢字, but to really master the material for the test and hope to conquer the highest level, it's recommended that we go into the next highest level; it's all the same teacher, and she is incredibly, unbelievably amazing; knows her kanji and LOVES it, puts so much work into the preparation and makes us learn because we want to. It's an inspiring teaching method, and I hope that I can talk to her one day soon about it. Unfortunately that next highest Kanji level is at the same time as the War class, which is absolutely unmovable, undroppable for any reason, so I am left with the proposition of toughing out this level (it will be tough, but I cannot imagine being able to balance the work load I have now with the additional stress of learning more than triple the kanji I am now per week...) and taking the next level next semester, and studying on my own possibly for the test (or just giving up on the idea lol), or study HARD over winter break (when I should be enjoying traveling) the material from the next level and hope that I will be able to jump up to the highest level that we have (I wonder what kind of people are in that class...) and CRAM CRAM CRAM for that test... I also want to be studying for and taking the GRE while I am here, or at least prepare enough to where I will be able to do it back in the states like no problem, so there's the added burden of english vocabulary (I think that's the biggest problem I will have, although I forgot what the other sections are besides math... maybe a subject test but that would be overkill maybe...), and I STILL need to go to the American embassy....
Anyway, basically I am not used to going to school anymore so HW and focusing is still rough... very rough... and I am once again allowing myself to sit inside my room and rot when the least I could be doing is enjoy the day -- which is where my determination to buy a (totally unneccessary, although maybe I can squeeze some savings out of it) bike -- but that was making me pretty disgusted with myself as well; Did you really come here for this?? I would think to myself, unable to ask or answer.
So the Typhoon came. I stayed up too late again and slept through practically the entire thing; when I woke up the skies were clear and beautiful and perfect. So of course, I decided to fester for a few more hours indoors (I don't watch tv on my phone or even any of the dramas on my harddrive anymore... I don't know what I do. Lately showers (keep in mind now, they have pump action) take me upwards of an hour, which is absolutely ridiculous by my standards, except for when I purposefully did it in the shower after a particularly bad practice or soccer game, just standing and absorbing in the heat, lost in thought, replay and imagination...) and had a sudden jolt at the realization that TODAY was the last day to turn in the form saying that you would go to a pizza party with the advisors. Since I'm all for free food, in looking for the form I checked my brand spanking new school email address and found that I had completely MISSED the deadline for a scholarship sign up; and so, a MONTH'S stipend had washed down the drain. Depressed, particularly by the completely opposite responses I received regarded my inquiry into the matter (whether I could still get my money or not, basically; but it's a good thing I went with my instincts and sent two emails!) I ran down to the school in a panic, got everything settled (except for my housing bill but that's another story), changed classes which was a real hassle and ruined my weekend (I would have had a FIVE DAY WEEKEND THIS WEEK. SOB.), among other things.
OK I just realized, my sense of time is very off (I think it was during that entire period as well as now, as I am running on 2 hours of sleep for two days full of walking... but anyway I'll be quick, and yeah a lot of that stuff should be separarte evetns. Girls have such a good memory... like, they can discuss what other people wear... kind of intense. But anyway, on typhoon day I was coming from the school, or maybe my dorm, sometime before dark, on my way to buy a bike. I barely get outside the dorm then a random guy on a bike should come up and ask if I was an international student. I said yeah, why, and he explained he goes to Waseda too and was interested in some kind of cultural exchange with international students. At this point I could see that he was weird and progressively worsened my Japanese in a bid to be polite but still get away. I gave my friend a lot of crap for not being able to deal with creepy guys on the metro back home, but maybe she has a similar loss of words/thoughts. He started asking me stranger and stranger questions, like if I did sports (I had my sportport soccer shirt on, and he wanted to show me some sketch soccer team within his own club), and otherwise paid WAY too much attention to me. Later he asked me about religion and I kind of mad up something/half said the truth; I mentioned that among other things, I sometimes read the bible as an academic text, and instantly he seized upon that opening to invite me to his bible study. He kept trying to get me to say I would go, and even resorted to pulling out his phone as a subtle hint to exchange numbers (I would have hella 断るed this guy...) but all of this was over 5 or 10 minute conversation, and just as I was about to basically run away from this guy (he was heading the same way I was...) TOMI WALKS UP and recognizes me (she had just seen my haircut on fb haha). I was so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so happy to see her!!!! She'll get her own post tommorow, but right after we got away from that guy (being Japanese and refusing stuff... must be hard haha..), she told me the DEAN of the school had told her to stay away from political activist and religious groups on campus. Clubs here are intense (need to write letter to Martha), but apparently they are like Scientology in inescapable society terms...
Monday, October 5, 2009
Should be doing hw...
Finally sat down and finished Okuribito. Beautiful, beautiful movie. It left me with a deep respect for both the caretakers and the departed and now I kind of want to be buried that way... not sure if they still do it that way though, or if you can find someone that puts the same amount of heart into it, not just ceremony/ritual (although it's changed my view on the role of ritual as well...)
Some of the themes in the movie twisted my heart, and while I know things may not turn out all movie-esque it's making me wonder:
Can you ever truly forgive someone who has abandoned you? Not just forget or reach a point where you don't care anymore, but really, absolutely forgive?
For me it seems a faraway goal I'm not even sure I want to reach...
Some of the themes in the movie twisted my heart, and while I know things may not turn out all movie-esque it's making me wonder:
Can you ever truly forgive someone who has abandoned you? Not just forget or reach a point where you don't care anymore, but really, absolutely forgive?
For me it seems a faraway goal I'm not even sure I want to reach...
Friday, October 2, 2009
ARGH
I am annoyed with everything, all the time. Even the things about my friends I know I liked a few days ago ><;; But trying hard to fight it.
Also I learned tonight that women really are fickle! So difficult... (hahaha I guess I can laugh about it now...)
Went to Akihabara to look for a electronic dictionary without any preparation... so I spent $4 to go and eat a $1 crappy convenience store apple pie, try the $1 McPork at mcdonalds (which was delicious) and drink a bit of the disgusting coffee they gave for free for some reason, and walk around for 3 hours lost and confused @___@
Now is time for homework, not sure how much of that will actually get done...
Also I learned tonight that women really are fickle! So difficult... (hahaha I guess I can laugh about it now...)
Went to Akihabara to look for a electronic dictionary without any preparation... so I spent $4 to go and eat a $1 crappy convenience store apple pie, try the $1 McPork at mcdonalds (which was delicious) and drink a bit of the disgusting coffee they gave for free for some reason, and walk around for 3 hours lost and confused @___@
Now is time for homework, not sure how much of that will actually get done...
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Homesick... Culture Shock
I'm really starting to enjoy cooking... the only problem is the kitchen only gets completely free after about 2 am, so I've been up til 3 or 4 am most of the week, getting less sleep than I do back at WU... and being all alone on the 5th floor, listening to music, gives me time to think I found out tonight, about everything... I wish I was back and think about all the mistakes I made before coming and all the oppurtunities/salvations/simple actions I let slip through my fingers over the past few years. But I realize this means I should buy a bike and get out of the dorm more, get more sleep and do my work, make some friends, learn some Japanese...
I think I just really hate having a roommate, even the idea of it now haha after hmm 2 bad years of them. But my current is pretty annoying... He likes to leave the giant window open to bugs... and when I came back to the room tonight it was 19 degrees C = 66 degrees wtf!! 80 F is my ideal room temperature, so I'm already compromising when it's 22... And also he pretended he didn't speak english when I first met him... that really pissed me off (rather than hey, let's speak Japanese together like I was planning on...) so I haven't talked to him since I found out really haha. But yeah. Next year, single please!
Gah need to wake up in 3.5 hours for health check, group presentation, bank account, join yoga, soran bushi (traditional japanese fisherman dance, look it up!), hanging out with friends (maybe...) homework homework homework...
I think I just really hate having a roommate, even the idea of it now haha after hmm 2 bad years of them. But my current is pretty annoying... He likes to leave the giant window open to bugs... and when I came back to the room tonight it was 19 degrees C = 66 degrees wtf!! 80 F is my ideal room temperature, so I'm already compromising when it's 22... And also he pretended he didn't speak english when I first met him... that really pissed me off (rather than hey, let's speak Japanese together like I was planning on...) so I haven't talked to him since I found out really haha. But yeah. Next year, single please!
Gah need to wake up in 3.5 hours for health check, group presentation, bank account, join yoga, soran bushi (traditional japanese fisherman dance, look it up!), hanging out with friends (maybe...) homework homework homework...
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