Slept through another tornado

Almost New Year's. Doesn't feel any different.

Resolution toiuka focus for my immediate life:
Not to get a girlfriend, but to...
Graduate on time. Apply to everything and make preparations for what I have missed. Stop feeling bad that my phone never rings or gets messages and Stay connected with friends.

I don't think I ever wrote this;
One day Mon came up and asked me about Michelle. I was kind of amused that people (her or others) were still talking about that, but didn't bother asking how that matter got brought up.
It was only afterwards that I wondered, was that talking the source of other social ills?

Nat wrote being a philosphy major is lonely... what kind of unexpected 共感!!! Being the only Japanese major, especially with so few people even taking Japanese.... and not being able to study with anyone... If only I had brought this up earlier...

Lamenting that I never took graphic design, or really went to explore other majors. Graphic Design, Drawing, Chemistry, Physics, Engineering, Computer Science....

Considering getting a second bachelor's degree... but you have to fund those yourself, and apparently can't get loans from the government. I really feel like I wasted the opportunities given to me these past 3 1/2 years...

Going abroad (Japan, Taiwan, or South Korea) for education or pursuing a more advanced, related degree (Japanese -> Linguistics or Asian American Studies or International Relations) are options, but... I needed more direction earlier in life... and still need it now.

Direction.

Connect. Reflect. Direct. MAASU is still with me I guess haha.

Do something decent and worthwhile next semester, and take a picture so that I am not just looking back to better days. (buttersafe's get over it flashes through my mind, and the range of emotion that comic inspires in me is kind of aw(e)ful.)

Should download and relearn illustrator... start drawing again. Get a new talent...

Just when things were looking up と思ったら。。。

Got a letter today! From a very good friend!!
Maybe this is what it feels like to get a surprise from a lover on a special day...

------------------------------

Need to get work done. sigh.
And see friends. reconnect.
Get a head start on next semester. Not likely to happen but I will try.

xXxholic is like my very own self-help book.
[Deciding to do something is a promise you make to yourself, and one that only you can keep.]
If only manga sites had the chapters in order...!

孤独日記

孤独感に圧迫される。。。
要らない人間、ダメな人間、
つまり不器用な
私は、この三日間なにもしていないことは言えなかったら、最高だろう
でもこのまま最低の人生を何度も送るのなんて。。。

言いたくないけど、誰にも言ったことないけど、大学の体験はほぼ最初から寂しさとの戦いであった。
振り返って見ると、そう言いたい。
言う勇気は、僕には持っていないだろうな。
冬休みが始まる前、確かめた。そうだと。
一緒に住むことになるかもしれない後輩の女の子にでも、言わなかった。

最初の二年間は、誰かが部屋に来てくれるまで待って、一人になっていた。二人の女の先輩と、嬉しい時間も過ごせたけど、それでも私はずっと行く方であって、辛い嬉しさだった。
そして今年は、誰かが話を掛けてくれるまで待って、誰かが電話してくれるまで待って、ずっと一人ボッチでいた。
ノゾミにメガピスで先を越されたと思ったら、実は私はいつも彼女より低かったことは、日本で感じた寂しさを復活し、楽しかった時の重要さより巨大させる気がするけど、
悔しい
悔しい！
ぼくだって辛いんだよ、けど、だって誰もその理由聞いてくれへんだし

俺は怠け者だ。何回も自分にでもそう言ったんだが、ゴールのある人、幸せのある人、スキルのある人、それなりに友達のある人に羨ましい気持ち抑えられなくなっている、それが恐い。

最近僕は彼女さえできれば、と考えるようにもなった。いつもそう思いついて、自慰（ドンだけ皮肉が含まれているかい）しに行く流れなんだ。でもこういう考えのある、ダメな私は、いったい誰が付き合う？脂肪とか髭の問題ではなく、自分自身の性格に問題があると考えろぅ。

Nellやほかの昔の、幸福とも言えないけど大人の寂しさは知らなっかた幼い頃の音を聞くと未だに慰められる。それって、もう一種の自慰なんだけどな

反省、帰省

日本語はあまり使わなくなってしまいましたが、この冬休みを通じて、能力強化することに頑張る。

谷崎潤一郎の夢の浮橋を読み始め、半ばぐらいまでは読んでいる。意外と読みやすくて、もっと本を読むと英語と同じように言語習得になるのでしょう？同じ物を何回も読み返してみればどうかな？

「俺って最低」がエヴァンゲリオンの夢シーンのセリフなのだが、英語でI'm so fucked upに翻訳されたことを発見しました。それって、相当な表現じゃないんだろう？

Did nothing again today. Well it was Christmas. Never know how much you would like to have something until you have it, I guess.

Tried Breath of Fire 2 for the GBA but it was too easy. Maybe games have lost their appeal? It's been so long since I seriously played one on my own (meaning playing FFXII until I was too strong to not rely on guides for what to do next... Quests oh yeah, but besides beating secret monsters without help, hunting down the rare monsters without a guide is downright impossible... Kind of the same thing with FFX, the monster farm thing is such a huge gap in the power levels from beating the game and getting secret monsters...)

Tommorow is another day, waiting for the libraries to open. Hopefully call everyone, see what they've been up to...

今天我不知道为什么学中文了。最初觉得可能是因为有很多中国朋友，可是他们都说英语，也我跟大多的他们没说过。我只是尊重中文读力，除了点菜以外不用说话噢。台湾是我想回去的，可是那么好印象就是朋友的苦労给我的。。。
现代的言语教育只成会话重要。在这样世界，有翻译或者传译的工作的人就是在第二次世界大战开始工作学习的老人，或者双语多语的人，或者去外国学习的美国人。。。在这样世界上，将来我无法找到工作吧。。。

White Christmas

Christmas Eve. Doesn't feel like it somehow.

Figured out my weakness. Lazy and too content.
Leaving soon, so tempted to wage war but also tempted to not do anything because of it.

Jumping ladders (the friendship kind)! Is it hard only because I've never done it?

I find it hard to believe that myself, let alone the fat or the poor, are living on a 2000 calorie diet. Seems like only the rich can afford to purposefully eat that little (or in some cases, that high quality)...

夢の浮橋. I'm wondering how much of the dreaminess is lost vs just how good the translation is, or if that feeling kicked in only once I got further in the novel... Reading the 関西弁 (at least, I think it's 関西弁）I know I can't understand it and realize just how fake/toned down the 関西弁 in Gin from Bleach and even in お笑い is...

Finishing the last hour of Air Doll now. Wonder how crowded the Chinese restaurants will be tomorrow?

久しぶりに

Been a long time since I posted.

Taking an incomplete on a course (didn't really know what that meant beforehand...) and well, finding things difficult. Just feel like resting, but no rest to be had. Felt like procrastinating, but when I got on the internet I found there's really nothing to do (besides start another manga or something...)

I really want to play the game Gungi (軍儀) from HunterxHunter, it's really re-awakened my curiosity for board games. Need to get back into chess, but also could think about making my own version. There's a guy that already has computerized his own but yeah. Go （碁） I've given up on I guess...

Almost Christmas, hard to believe. No time or energy to get presents though.

Language teaching... interesting. Will definitely go for the tutoring position.

Will miss the deadline for applying to the Japanese lit MA, guess I'll try next year.
In the meantime I need to find other options for myself beyond "if I don't get JET then go to Shanghai for the summer program and apply for the MA and Fulbright during the fall".

Language ability is dying. Started Tanizaki's "夢の浮橋" or Bridge of Dreams, there's a lot of stuff that was cut out from the first few pages of the translation that only have significance if you know Japanese and know about 文語, so it will be interesting to see what else has been left out.

Winter break. Should I prepare for the GRE? Or save it until after the next semester? Should I apply for a real job, an intensive language program (in Japanese or Korean),

The Japan Club email has been getting an unusually high number of emails (by which I mean 3) from people with employment opportunities. One is supposedly from Google Japan(!), one is some guy from Sigma-Aldrich (who was either ESL or didn't care enough to put more effort into the length and grammar of his email...) trying to mooch some free translation work (yeah right), and one is from Pasona, a sort of job-hunting agency for Japanese (and possibly Asian) companies (this one wanted to interview asian international students -- I'm kind of squealing imagining the guy's response if I am the one to reply haha).

If only writing essays was as easy as putting one's thoughts down.... Probably should have toned down the name dropping, or this will wind up higher in Google's search results, and will be more likely to be found by people... but then again there's not too many embarrassing things on here. Maybe I should've been using this more, to make up for the lack of human interaction this semester...