Editing a thesis is so much easier than writing one of your own! (Econ)

"Hard work doesn’t guarantee success, but lack of hard work almost certainly guarantees failure."

Need to get this through my head, quickly.

It's from the SMBC guy. Apparently he went back to college for a second bachelor's, at a state school just like I've been considering. In-state would mean Mizzou, UMSL or Rolla though for me now...

Also, this is a really entertaining website, and just from looking at one of the solutions there's so much math and physics I've forgotten and so much that I've never even thought about. The former is sad/pathetic and the latter should have been obvious.

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[Edit]
Decided to start drawing again.
Working on getting Illustrator again. Probably should invest in another computer and do things properly though.
Friends are also taking time off. If I was thinking I probably would have done a semester or a year of my own...
Apartments are opening up, haha. Maybe I should be looking more into them, doing the rational thing -- at least double-checking my options.
LNYF.... is worrying.... hitori de yatteitara yokatta noni ><; or not been such a Nice Guy (tm) ><;;
Gotta remember to start watching TED talks

I've only recently started saying it to people, but I don't understand money. I have no concept of value (other than an aversion to paying for anything which leads to mizerly qualities that are only mitigated by instances of splurging on insignificant items during moments of weakness and/or laziness), or why other people value it. I understand even less about the stock market, and agree wholeheartedly with the idea that our economical models cannot possibly be based in sound logic if they are under the assumption of limitless growth and eventual equality in terms of payment of all people and that a post-agricultural/post-industrial global society can be a reality.

As such I've purposefully stopped myself from learning economics and business models (although they both represent major options in terms of opening up possible career paths and employment opportunities, so I may wind up studying them (MBA, anyone?) and pretending to understand and play along with the other people, kinda like a useful application of (hopefully limited-mode) non-savant autistic qualities.

Anyway, stumbling through wikipedia and a couple of other sources I came across the story of one Nassim Nicholas Taleb , who more or less shares some of those ideas with me and is a sudden big inspiration, although he does understand the markets and a whole lot better than I aspire to. He wrote a book, The Black Swan , a revamping of a theory that I originally thought was related to the recent movie (which I also cannot believe is scary...) detailing how the investment strategies embodied by and in the general stock market don't make sense in the long term, and the paranoia that is synonymous with the stock market floor really doesn't matter in terms of investment strategies. Anyway, he concentrates on the low probability of events with an extremely high effect on things, and our ignorance of them even though they happen all the time; in this story detailing a sort of battle of morals and strategy with one-time mentor Victor Niederhoffer, the part where he described how it is easy to be the one that wins small things over a long time and bounce back from large losses, but it is much harder for us to deal with steady losses while waiting in the hopes of a huge payout. Inspiration, and better put in the article and probably his book as well.

Hoping to find the stocks of ここがへんだよ、日本人!, a TBS show that ran until 2002. Occasionally there's some on youtube, but there's 4 years worth of dialogue and an interesting study to be done (Ohohoh, focus for Masters/PH.D in Gaijin Studies?) just on the transcription of their speech, as pointed out in a few forums, and the clashes in use of language (like one I only noticed my 5th or so time in watching, on an episode about the 植民地としての韓国、アフリカの奴隷歴史との比較される部分に, the korean girl referred to the fast talking Zomahoun Idossou Rufin by his number and he got angry emphasizing the point the slaves lost their names and how the realities of the slave trade far outweigh the 35, no 36 (lol, reference to the show) years of colonization a unified Korea experienced. I am not sure I completely agree with that statement, although I do admire the Japanese colonization in Taiwan and Korea in it's role of the most successful language socialization ever, and think that looking at the colonization from the lens of a 政治同化 (I think that's what they called it on the show) is an interesting approach that needs more looking into -- there's probably someone that's written about it (or the colonization era in general), and anything that has takes away from my fulbright/phd disseration ideas! Add to that that time is of the essence, in being able to access (as coldly as that sounds) the people who survived the colonization and came away with Japanese ability. Learning Chinese and eventually Korean will still give me access to many other sources, and the topic of a gaijin literature in the colonization era doesn't really apply to mainland China as far as I know and would thus just be limited to the ex-patriots who were sent to the war areas and the number of colonizers that went... but my main priority in that is definitely the reception of foreign authors.

On that note still searching for places to maintain and improve my Japanese skills. Started finally going through the kanji 2100 book again, to finally get down the ones I don't recognize and increase my initial reading fluency. I need to find more sources for literature that's fun and challenging to read (Waseda's libraryyyyy whyyyyyy oh whyyyyy did I waste youuuuuuuu), but came across a couple others in my search for koko ga hen dayo. TBS news, a japanese meme , and of course asking friends (eventually).

Still have to reply to Rari. OMG.

And, echoing an inspiration というか共感 with the smbc guy, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_educational_video_websites for learning on my own about a variety of topics. Other stuff to look up: science Friday’s discussion with Sam Harris (smbc guy). The Teaching Company survey courses (same guy) "Fooled by Randomness," (Taleb)

Finally starting to proofread the thesis.

Ah. Gotta reply to Aridome sensei soon ><;;

Slept through another tornado

Almost New Year's. Doesn't feel any different.

Resolution toiuka focus for my immediate life:
Not to get a girlfriend, but to...
Graduate on time. Apply to everything and make preparations for what I have missed. Stop feeling bad that my phone never rings or gets messages and Stay connected with friends.

I don't think I ever wrote this;
One day Mon came up and asked me about Michelle. I was kind of amused that people (her or others) were still talking about that, but didn't bother asking how that matter got brought up.
It was only afterwards that I wondered, was that talking the source of other social ills?

Nat wrote being a philosphy major is lonely... what kind of unexpected 共感!!! Being the only Japanese major, especially with so few people even taking Japanese.... and not being able to study with anyone... If only I had brought this up earlier...

Lamenting that I never took graphic design, or really went to explore other majors. Graphic Design, Drawing, Chemistry, Physics, Engineering, Computer Science....

Considering getting a second bachelor's degree... but you have to fund those yourself, and apparently can't get loans from the government. I really feel like I wasted the opportunities given to me these past 3 1/2 years...

Going abroad (Japan, Taiwan, or South Korea) for education or pursuing a more advanced, related degree (Japanese -> Linguistics or Asian American Studies or International Relations) are options, but... I needed more direction earlier in life... and still need it now.

Direction.

Connect. Reflect. Direct. MAASU is still with me I guess haha.

Do something decent and worthwhile next semester, and take a picture so that I am not just looking back to better days. (buttersafe's get over it flashes through my mind, and the range of emotion that comic inspires in me is kind of aw(e)ful.)

Should download and relearn illustrator... start drawing again. Get a new talent...

Just when things were looking up と思ったら。。。

Got a letter today! From a very good friend!!
Maybe this is what it feels like to get a surprise from a lover on a special day...

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Need to get work done. sigh.
And see friends. reconnect.
Get a head start on next semester. Not likely to happen but I will try.

xXxholic is like my very own self-help book.
[Deciding to do something is a promise you make to yourself, and one that only you can keep.]
If only manga sites had the chapters in order...!

孤独日記

孤独感に圧迫される。。。
要らない人間、ダメな人間、
つまり不器用な
私は、この三日間なにもしていないことは言えなかったら、最高だろう
でもこのまま最低の人生を何度も送るのなんて。。。

言いたくないけど、誰にも言ったことないけど、大学の体験はほぼ最初から寂しさとの戦いであった。
振り返って見ると、そう言いたい。
言う勇気は、僕には持っていないだろうな。
冬休みが始まる前、確かめた。そうだと。
一緒に住むことになるかもしれない後輩の女の子にでも、言わなかった。

最初の二年間は、誰かが部屋に来てくれるまで待って、一人になっていた。二人の女の先輩と、嬉しい時間も過ごせたけど、それでも私はずっと行く方であって、辛い嬉しさだった。
そして今年は、誰かが話を掛けてくれるまで待って、誰かが電話してくれるまで待って、ずっと一人ボッチでいた。
ノゾミにメガピスで先を越されたと思ったら、実は私はいつも彼女より低かったことは、日本で感じた寂しさを復活し、楽しかった時の重要さより巨大させる気がするけど、
悔しい
悔しい！
ぼくだって辛いんだよ、けど、だって誰もその理由聞いてくれへんだし

俺は怠け者だ。何回も自分にでもそう言ったんだが、ゴールのある人、幸せのある人、スキルのある人、それなりに友達のある人に羨ましい気持ち抑えられなくなっている、それが恐い。

最近僕は彼女さえできれば、と考えるようにもなった。いつもそう思いついて、自慰（ドンだけ皮肉が含まれているかい）しに行く流れなんだ。でもこういう考えのある、ダメな私は、いったい誰が付き合う？脂肪とか髭の問題ではなく、自分自身の性格に問題があると考えろぅ。

Nellやほかの昔の、幸福とも言えないけど大人の寂しさは知らなっかた幼い頃の音を聞くと未だに慰められる。それって、もう一種の自慰なんだけどな

反省、帰省

日本語はあまり使わなくなってしまいましたが、この冬休みを通じて、能力強化することに頑張る。

谷崎潤一郎の夢の浮橋を読み始め、半ばぐらいまでは読んでいる。意外と読みやすくて、もっと本を読むと英語と同じように言語習得になるのでしょう？同じ物を何回も読み返してみればどうかな？

「俺って最低」がエヴァンゲリオンの夢シーンのセリフなのだが、英語でI'm so fucked upに翻訳されたことを発見しました。それって、相当な表現じゃないんだろう？

Did nothing again today. Well it was Christmas. Never know how much you would like to have something until you have it, I guess.

Tried Breath of Fire 2 for the GBA but it was too easy. Maybe games have lost their appeal? It's been so long since I seriously played one on my own (meaning playing FFXII until I was too strong to not rely on guides for what to do next... Quests oh yeah, but besides beating secret monsters without help, hunting down the rare monsters without a guide is downright impossible... Kind of the same thing with FFX, the monster farm thing is such a huge gap in the power levels from beating the game and getting secret monsters...)

Tommorow is another day, waiting for the libraries to open. Hopefully call everyone, see what they've been up to...

今天我不知道为什么学中文了。最初觉得可能是因为有很多中国朋友，可是他们都说英语，也我跟大多的他们没说过。我只是尊重中文读力，除了点菜以外不用说话噢。台湾是我想回去的，可是那么好印象就是朋友的苦労给我的。。。
现代的言语教育只成会话重要。在这样世界，有翻译或者传译的工作的人就是在第二次世界大战开始工作学习的老人，或者双语多语的人，或者去外国学习的美国人。。。在这样世界上，将来我无法找到工作吧。。。

White Christmas

Christmas Eve. Doesn't feel like it somehow.

Figured out my weakness. Lazy and too content.
Leaving soon, so tempted to wage war but also tempted to not do anything because of it.

Jumping ladders (the friendship kind)! Is it hard only because I've never done it?

I find it hard to believe that myself, let alone the fat or the poor, are living on a 2000 calorie diet. Seems like only the rich can afford to purposefully eat that little (or in some cases, that high quality)...

夢の浮橋. I'm wondering how much of the dreaminess is lost vs just how good the translation is, or if that feeling kicked in only once I got further in the novel... Reading the 関西弁 (at least, I think it's 関西弁）I know I can't understand it and realize just how fake/toned down the 関西弁 in Gin from Bleach and even in お笑い is...

Finishing the last hour of Air Doll now. Wonder how crowded the Chinese restaurants will be tomorrow?

久しぶりに

Been a long time since I posted.

Taking an incomplete on a course (didn't really know what that meant beforehand...) and well, finding things difficult. Just feel like resting, but no rest to be had. Felt like procrastinating, but when I got on the internet I found there's really nothing to do (besides start another manga or something...)

I really want to play the game Gungi (軍儀) from HunterxHunter, it's really re-awakened my curiosity for board games. Need to get back into chess, but also could think about making my own version. There's a guy that already has computerized his own but yeah. Go （碁） I've given up on I guess...

Almost Christmas, hard to believe. No time or energy to get presents though.

Language teaching... interesting. Will definitely go for the tutoring position.

Will miss the deadline for applying to the Japanese lit MA, guess I'll try next year.
In the meantime I need to find other options for myself beyond "if I don't get JET then go to Shanghai for the summer program and apply for the MA and Fulbright during the fall".

Language ability is dying. Started Tanizaki's "夢の浮橋" or Bridge of Dreams, there's a lot of stuff that was cut out from the first few pages of the translation that only have significance if you know Japanese and know about 文語, so it will be interesting to see what else has been left out.

Winter break. Should I prepare for the GRE? Or save it until after the next semester? Should I apply for a real job, an intensive language program (in Japanese or Korean),

The Japan Club email has been getting an unusually high number of emails (by which I mean 3) from people with employment opportunities. One is supposedly from Google Japan(!), one is some guy from Sigma-Aldrich (who was either ESL or didn't care enough to put more effort into the length and grammar of his email...) trying to mooch some free translation work (yeah right), and one is from Pasona, a sort of job-hunting agency for Japanese (and possibly Asian) companies (this one wanted to interview asian international students -- I'm kind of squealing imagining the guy's response if I am the one to reply haha).

If only writing essays was as easy as putting one's thoughts down.... Probably should have toned down the name dropping, or this will wind up higher in Google's search results, and will be more likely to be found by people... but then again there's not too many embarrassing things on here. Maybe I should've been using this more, to make up for the lack of human interaction this semester...