今日

今日は、久しぶりに友達じゃない女を抱いた。　まぁ、友達が作っていた映画のシーンだったけどさ

「会えるように祈って！！」って答えも来たけど、それもコンテクストがあるからさ

でも嬉しい

><;;;;;; 気が散り安過ぎ。。。

:( Still haven't finished that report....
but people were playing chess today! Stopped and watched.
Mahjongg soon maybe?
Bought a lot of manga and cd's (most of which I found out I already had -___-;;;) for cheap yesterday, someone needs to keep me away from libraries and bookstores. But I do like the Kita-senju area, surprisingly. One of the manga was Mushishi, so I'm slowly getting started on that one... Not too hard cause I know it, and I think it will actually help with kanji like one of my senpai said...

Weekend

Ahhhh so I had a really fun weekend but haven't had time to post about it yet... This week I'm really busy with stuff I have to do, and also stuff I volunteered to do -____- and trying to trip plan and buy tickets before prices go up.... but I will update eventually and get everything done I'm supposed to be doing...

ganbatte! jiayou! fighting!

Phoenix

So, just when I thought I had conquered it, culture shock rises again, is reborn in another form or maybe it's all the same and I'm seeing it for what it is now, I don't know. But I had always thought I was better than those people who had to be reminded they weren't in America anymore...

I talked to Tomi and she had to tell me, "You're not in WU anymore." and before then it hadn't hit me, but I've been trying to re-create my lifestyle back there over here, subconsciously or otherwise, in terms of everything from food to friends to activities... I never realized how much I had, how lucky I was to have come to WU -- I mean before I had, but this is another level, another way... -- until that moment. It was so nice to have someone to talk to about it though, the differences.

So I'm going to kill this one, too. Make peace with the fact and really follow my own advice -- I just gave some to a freshman friend here, will find and repost it later -- and get out and have fun like I'm supposed to be. Of course I'm happy that I'm here, have done what adventures I've done and met the people I have and realizing something I've wanted to do for the longest. It just... hurts a little more, thinking that I chose to come, I left, I did this by myself to myself...

But I have people here and way over there behind me, so I know I too, can save myself, turn this into something positive, rise from this depression. Wish me luck! I'm off to yoga for the first time hopefully for some reflection and relaxation.

Refreshing Dissapointment

I called home yesterday, and it was good talking to my grandparents and nephew, but I missed my sister AND found out things are basically still the same which left me on an extremely sour note.

I finished that report last minute, was extra late to class, which incidentally let out early as soon as I got there, and then found lots of mistakes in my own work, which really let me down after getting chewed out for being late (again). Today I was supposed to meet a friend (I am hesitant to call her that but also wary of my own jumping to conclusions mistrust of people) on the pretense of asking something (I was going to ask about a homework project...) but really to catch up because it's been over a month or so since I've saw her, but apparently she caught a cold somewhere between this morning and an hour before we were supposed to meet.

I had just arrived at a comedy show and maybe can ask someone else for what I wanted to ask (although it's pretty specific, about what the international groups due to stick together when the international students leave, and also about Japanese dating and sex culture but those kinds of things always pop up on their own when I talk to people ;) ), but still it's like "wtf? I even dressed a little お洒落 today..."

Not to mention the comedy show, which was billed as mostly English but some Japanese, turned out to basically be just some random guy talking about his thoughts about how bad the Japanese comedy industry is, and how hard it is to be innovative and the history of English (ie American) comedy. THERE WERE NO JOKES. Well actually there were, but they were all videos of old comedy shows that he showed, which for the most part weren't funny, so I feel even worse for the people who are/were actually interested in the performance or finding out how to do comedy themselves.... So I really wasted my time. (I did find a 文学部生 specializing in Genji, which was kind of interesting... but I walked farther than I wanted to...)

But even so I feel refreshed. Somehow, at this time when I normally want to die (by which I mean collapse on my bed sleep deeply), I suddenly feel like I have energy, , don't have much work, have time for all the things I want to do and need to catch up on, and a lot of other good feelings. I'm going to get my multiple re-entry permit tommorow (I'm not going to Korea this weekend like I thought I wanted to/could have...), I talked to Yang the other day!, can start making plans for Korea and Taiwan (where I'll get to meet up with a lot of friends over the winter break!!) and Singapore tickets are really cheap right now too!, am saving money sort of, can finally finish a movie I've been "watching" for weeks now, feel like I'm making a lot of progress in Japanese ability, and making good friends here... so I guess maybe that's why. But still, it's very different than normal, my heart is a little lighter than I think it should be, I have a little more hope and will (resolution? I can't think of the word). Maybe it'll be like this from now on. I don't know. I can't say I'm exactly happy, but this is better maybe.

Will see Tomi-chan tommorow!

Dokkoi Dokkoi! First Kabuki Experience tommorow!

Tonight was the Soran Bushi Ushiage, the last official gathering of everyone as a group. We went to お好み焼き食べ放題　and 飲み放題 (same one as before), only this time the number of people was smaller so it was sort of more intimate, but really hmmm sad just because it was the end of our Soran... I wish we had practiced more together, and hung out more together as well during the past month and really 仲良くなったed but this will be the base for some really good relationships from now on.
After dinner we went to karaoke for maybe 3 hours which was fun but my voice was gone (again, maybe I'm just not cut out for singing?).
Today it rained from the time we met until now, sort of playing on the bitterness of saying bye and see you later and let's meet up at school, but I know it's up to me to not make those words empty.

I also interviewed two friends (who happen to be sisters!) for 口頭表現　and while I definitely should have prepared more specific questions for them, talking for the most part freely was really nice, and I lost track of time (although some people would say that's easy for me hahaha).

Although, I get the feeling that it's sort of like what someone (I forgot who it was...) told me a while ago -- even though we knew each other for a year or so, and she felt like I knew her well, it was hard to get to know me, or she felt she didn't know me that well. That's something I still haven't figured out too well.

So I'm doing pretty well on my posting continuously (no real content today, sorry!), but I'm endeavoring to go to bed by 1 and then eventually 12 consistently. Then I'll be on to variety and cheapness in my food (I bought SO MUCH PORK really cheap but it was TOO MUCH D: I've been eating it since I went to the not-so-filling suprisingly lacking in variety shabu-shabu/sukiyaki tabehoudai which was like 4 days or so ago D:

I also made myself a list of people I need to respond to just on facebook, and was surprised I had missed a ton of people; I really need something much better than a planner that I don't write in and a phone I never hear ring to remind me of all the things I need to do easily... Have to give a recital (huh?) for class tommorow, a few paragraphs of stuff we are supposed to memorize, and just thinking about my memory I'm cringing at what will come tommorow. But it's a start for me, OMG I JUST FORGOT WHAT I WAS GONNA WRITE THERE WTF

The thought that interrupted was something about going to the library today and checking out books which I am hoping will save my English ability and teach me something as yet another baby-step to preparing for the diplomat exam I might not even take haha, gotta start planning for travelling during the breaks, studying for the GRE, and JLPT stuff... also MULTIPLE RE-ENTRY PERMIT. GET IT!!! And call home and other people ><;;;

Good, full day

So I woke up thinking and speaking Japanese today for the first time -- was I dreaming in Japanese too??? I imagined the people and games for next years Explore... -- which is a good sign (I ruined it though haha, as you can see), and I'm taking that as a sign that yesterday was a better day than I thought.

It was the first day of Waseda-sai, and in the morning I met up with a friend, Sayuri, I had met on the noodle making trip and we went around and ate and did a couple other things, didn't really have an objective in mind so just wandered around. I thought she had less time than she did from what she had been saying in her emails but she wound up having two hours lol. We went to go see an aquarium, where we ran into Cleo who accompanied us until Sayuri left (She asked if it was じゃま (basically a date) and I think I might have denied a little too strongly :P) (oops I just realized I was supposed to go see her Hawaiian dance show this morning... DX). We went to some crazy thing where I thought it was Green Action-esque at first but it turned out to be either a psych experiment or a cult... apparently there's a lot of cults... But it was interesting, seeing how they tried to use scientific looking things -- posterboards, varied "research", examples -- to show how holding your hand over something causes it to rot?? and taste different and other magical properties. Something like that, anyway, I didn't really say anything because I felt like I had seen something like it before. Cleo was hilarious, because the guy's talking didn't have much of an effect on her -- I've been wondering if brainwashing through words can be transmitted even when there is a language ability gap, but possibly it was just another case 外人向きの日本語, which apparently happens even unconsciously. I thought it was funny, afterwards Sayuri was commenting on how it was a shame the guy was crazy/in a cult if he really believed that stuff, because he was apparently a really good talker (I kind of saw this but all the other people running the booth were kind of the same way...) and I'm guessing she thought he looked good too haha, but I just thought he was weird.
After... I don't remember what we did, but there was a power-ranger esque show that I remember... hmmm I dunno what else... but something happened at acapella and Sayuri left and then me and Cleo split up. I went to a couple of drama shows, one was all the plays were themed about hospitals, which was AMAZING, and then there was another one in the drama-drama place where I don't think the story made much sense... so it's almost like the more serious actors (the second was by themselves, the first was a whole bunch of groups putting on individual plays) were worse... but anyway I might join a drama group here (OH YEAH there were some really hot girls in those drama clubs XD) because I've decided I want to start a drama club in Japanese (and possibly get other people to do other languages and then put on a show!) and less related a prep-course for taking JLPT 1, but it will be good experience and hopefully expand people's interest in the Japanese department and offer yet another venue for Japanese speakers on campusssss.

But I am getting off topic and want to go eat really fast so I'm gonna hurry up. After Waseda-sai (it ends around 4 or 5 pm each day wtf!), went with Chung, Shi, Leo, and a new friend Angie to check out the "all you can eat buffet research society", we went to a shabu-shabu and sukiyaki place in takadanobaba which had a special for 1680 yen for an hour and a half. The restaurant was extremely spacious and nice looking, the food was good quality if lacking in variety (at least the eggs haha, I should have stolen some. They made me wonder if the red eggs really taste any different or not from white ones...) Anyway the people were kind of old (there were two girls but they had extremely white faces, like the kind of cream you put on I think... lots of make-up... which was like what???), it was a lot of guys so the girls got hit on a lot haha, the conversation was ok (people stopped eating when they were talking... fail....) (I got gaijin-nihongo-ed by one of the main guys when it was really just a vocabulary thing.. he used lots of giongo (or is it gitaigo??) I forget the word but stuff like we say a pig says oink when it really doesn't.) and I was like wtf?? Cause he would repeat the same stuff but slower lol. It felt at times like one of those formal dinner societies, and other times like a gokon... umm.. dating party??

Anyway after dinner the five of us were walking back, but we decided to go to the park and drink, the girls got tomato and vegetable juice, I got calpis soda, and Leo got some kind of normal beer, plus some snacks. (We also stopped at Mr. Donuts on my request lol) On the way we stopped in this really funky shop, think hot topic but much more underground, varied, and cooler, I wanna go back sometime. And then we went to the park and just talked for a while, until it was time to rush through the park so Angie could catch one of the last trains back home. Angie is really interesting cause she's aspiring to be a comedian in Japan, and has a drama group so I think I'll be checking that out but she's really nice to hang out with. I am wondering what all languages she is good at but that's another topic I guess?? But yeah the park and the walk afterwards was a great end to the night, very relaxed and I hate the word but genuine conversation (not pretending to be nice kind of thing like Eri has on her profile) maybe frank is a better word... I dunno... anyway my English is disappearing kind of and forgetting your native language has become a really real thing to me suddenly. but still FTW nihongo as the means of communication.

Off too cook some meat and shower and go prepare for Soran Bushi todayyyyyyyyy wish me luck (I never liked the breaking legs thing...)

Oh also I will be appearing in the Waseda newspaper! (did I write that the other day???) Anyway I will be looking out for it haha, can't believe it's this easy to get in it....

Hmmm I should think of titles before I right stuff. Dokkoi dokkoi!

So I apparently I will be appearing in the school newspaper... it's about participating in a hike around to six area universities as one of few international students, and mostly I think to encourage other international students to participate in it next year as well, but still!! The interview was in Japanese so it was a learning experience in expressing myself and how much farther I have to go...

Speaking of which I realized how much easier it is to advance in a language if you have some training in it/some of the basics down. I want to learn Guang Liang's 如果你还爱我 before the end of the year, and on nciku the other day I found a Chinese, translated, and pinyin-ed version of Alice in Wonderland which I was actually inspired to use as a text to learn. (I should have sprung the extra $100 for a dictionary that can do Chinese ><;; but I was too cheap...); thought recently about how easy Spanish would be because of English synergy, and saw a friend learning Korean through a Korean-Japanese text book (double the study!!). I realized I can pick out words and basically repeat them from Japanese and even Chinese songs, but while I can sing some Korean from sheer repetition I have no idea what it means. So I need to find a way to study or buckle down and actually get through the textbook I bought. I am also going to get serious about studying Japanese again, I checked out a lot of books and stories last night to study from; listening I think is my only strong point (I was acing most of the practice questions from the JLPT 1 CD I checked out), but even then I still need to expose myself to more and more words....

At the library here you can't check movies out... the reason is because you can copy them, which was exactly what I was intending to do hahaha, but it also means that it's hard to find anything good to watch since you can't look through a series of cards or aisles... So I think for Japanese movies I will either have to watch them online or rent them from the store. Either way I will be watching on my laptop so I guess it doesn't make too much of a difference, but still it's a little disheartening.

I have only a few more Korean and other movies left to watch on my harddrive and then I can go hardcore into improving and speaking to people. I don't know if I ever wrote about it, but I read a theory that the way we learn language is from hearing it in context and learning from how other people use words. It's kind of scary to think that maybe all these expressions are really just samples being selectively played back (maybe with new context and meaning, but you know how they say no idea is original!), but it would explain then, why my language use (writing style at the very least) is easily and tell-ably (I can't think of the word!!!! I've had so many of these moments... at one time I thought it was impossibly to forget your native language as an adult, but lately I haven't been so sure...) influenced by whichever book I read last, how babies learn to talk, and why my English ability notably degraded since I started hanging out with Emmie and them (just kidding!!! hahahaha. Although certain expressions like FAIL take the place of a lot of dialog, along with something Fagan used to say... I don't remember what it is though.)

Off to check out some more CD's (going to reformat my ipod soon, too much English and Epik High, not enough Japanese!! I want to start my day in Japanese from now on.), get to reading and translating and studying kanji. Tommorow is the first day of a huge festival (actually I think I might go to the opening ceremony for it tonight, which means I need to go eat now...) But yeah, something is happening and I'm taking off lol.

Tears falling for lies turned upside down, lives turned inside out

Tired, cold, and wet after a long but fruitful search I took a wrong turn on my way home, passed by a bunch of run-down bars with seedy dark-skinned characters leering out the windows, and saw a row of homeless people, each inside his or her own mattress, taking refuge from the rain under an unnamed bridge. Even though I am lucky to say that it is by far the scariest sight I have ever seen, it's not so far from home, so the ride home seemed too long and my room seems colder than the rain. I am a little afraid of what this means and what effect it could have on me, but I don't want the memory to fade...

So today I finally admitted to myself that I am addicted to reading the funeral pages of people I don't know. I am still amazed at how the internet, but more specifically facebook, has become an outlet for the emotions that come with death and a way to keep a person's memory alive in your heart. The first I stumbled upon was Justin Yeo, who really only people from the class that graduated this past year knew I think, but there have been others (just now I was reading the facebook group for a girl named Grace Yu, which is why I thought of this topic). It is interesting that some people, particularly those who seem close to the person, use the present tense and/or give life updates, even if incredibly short or seemingly insignificant; I've even seen apologies for inconsistent writing (it was more than that, but still). But whoever the person is, without fail I cry at the testimonies people leave. Even knowing I will (tears are falling as I write this, not something I can help but I guess it's been an emotional day) I still read on, which is why I said that I am addicted. I have been blessed never to have been touched by the death of someone close to me, so maybe that is why, but I always receive a new perspective on life, and it is a constant reminder for me to try and be a positive force in the lives of the people around me, even if through the power of a smile every now and then. That's the only kind of life that I can think of as fulfilling.

Today was Haskins' first full day in Tokyo, I feel pretty bad for not having things planned out so well, not being able to really get out and have fun, to realize the sort of "magical fantasy land" Tokyo that may or may not be here. But still talking with him is/was good, and it makes me glad to remember that even with time and distance we still have a lot in common, still trust and can share with the other.
Melissa (I feel like I've started to use a lot of names lately haha) came up again, this time in response to my envy ("iinaa..." is how Haskins put it) of a few of my friends' situations and how much better they are handling them, of the potential they have and the outlooks they are taking on things (how much wiser they all seem!), but upon closer inspection those situations are totally different, right down to their motivations. They both seem to be pointing at the same thing, telling me something like so many things do nowadays, but apparently I'm good at ignoring those.
But anyway what I realized, or again admitted to myself, was that I am good at lying to myself for so many things, whether to protect my own feelings, forgive myself for being lazy, and especially to excuse the actions of others. All that needs to stop. And so, I made my decision. I WILL COLOR MY LIFE WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP, if only to remind myself of the overwhelming importance of friendship. No more running away, I will 強くなる。
He asked, will you still try to be her friend next year? And the answer I gave was I don't know. I've thought about all the "options", way too much, that was when I was going crazy, but the two big things that came into my mind then were "Is it even possible?" and "Even if it is, will I want to (is there, was there anything there to begin with?)?". And with that I find myself wandering down those halls of memory, guessing, wondering, dreaming, lying, again caught in one of those moments of weakness that make me want to even defriend her on facebook (free from those status updates and old pictures, could I be sane again?)... because actions and memories and sometimes even hobbies are all still linked pretty strongly, (it seems like you still think about it といわれちゃったed and it was painfully obvious and true) what am I to do? But I am tired of wondering, thinking, wasting my time here consumed when I could and should be out experiencing. So with the circles and perhaps pursuing (to use one of Haskins' words haha) a couple of friendships, I want to see how well I can adapt, forget, forgive, change... and maybe become a better light for other people...

I need to learn more about myself, what makes me tick, what really influences my likes and actions and wishes, if I don't examine especially in this period I don't think I can keep going. But I am slowly being reconnected, grounded in reality and this weekend has been really good for that, just gotta keep talking, don't forget I have the love and support of those around me, get to work stop being lazy and Explore!(Oh how that program, those people changed me!) everything there is around me in this wonderful, wonderful world.