Tears falling for lies turned upside down, lives turned inside out

Tired, cold, and wet after a long but fruitful search I took a wrong turn on my way home, passed by a bunch of run-down bars with seedy dark-skinned characters leering out the windows, and saw a row of homeless people, each inside his or her own mattress, taking refuge from the rain under an unnamed bridge. Even though I am lucky to say that it is by far the scariest sight I have ever seen, it's not so far from home, so the ride home seemed too long and my room seems colder than the rain. I am a little afraid of what this means and what effect it could have on me, but I don't want the memory to fade...

So today I finally admitted to myself that I am addicted to reading the funeral pages of people I don't know. I am still amazed at how the internet, but more specifically facebook, has become an outlet for the emotions that come with death and a way to keep a person's memory alive in your heart. The first I stumbled upon was Justin Yeo, who really only people from the class that graduated this past year knew I think, but there have been others (just now I was reading the facebook group for a girl named Grace Yu, which is why I thought of this topic). It is interesting that some people, particularly those who seem close to the person, use the present tense and/or give life updates, even if incredibly short or seemingly insignificant; I've even seen apologies for inconsistent writing (it was more than that, but still). But whoever the person is, without fail I cry at the testimonies people leave. Even knowing I will (tears are falling as I write this, not something I can help but I guess it's been an emotional day) I still read on, which is why I said that I am addicted. I have been blessed never to have been touched by the death of someone close to me, so maybe that is why, but I always receive a new perspective on life, and it is a constant reminder for me to try and be a positive force in the lives of the people around me, even if through the power of a smile every now and then. That's the only kind of life that I can think of as fulfilling.

Today was Haskins' first full day in Tokyo, I feel pretty bad for not having things planned out so well, not being able to really get out and have fun, to realize the sort of "magical fantasy land" Tokyo that may or may not be here. But still talking with him is/was good, and it makes me glad to remember that even with time and distance we still have a lot in common, still trust and can share with the other.
Melissa (I feel like I've started to use a lot of names lately haha) came up again, this time in response to my envy ("iinaa..." is how Haskins put it) of a few of my friends' situations and how much better they are handling them, of the potential they have and the outlooks they are taking on things (how much wiser they all seem!), but upon closer inspection those situations are totally different, right down to their motivations. They both seem to be pointing at the same thing, telling me something like so many things do nowadays, but apparently I'm good at ignoring those.
But anyway what I realized, or again admitted to myself, was that I am good at lying to myself for so many things, whether to protect my own feelings, forgive myself for being lazy, and especially to excuse the actions of others. All that needs to stop. And so, I made my decision. I WILL COLOR MY LIFE WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP, if only to remind myself of the overwhelming importance of friendship. No more running away, I will 強くなる。
He asked, will you still try to be her friend next year? And the answer I gave was I don't know. I've thought about all the "options", way too much, that was when I was going crazy, but the two big things that came into my mind then were "Is it even possible?" and "Even if it is, will I want to (is there, was there anything there to begin with?)?". And with that I find myself wandering down those halls of memory, guessing, wondering, dreaming, lying, again caught in one of those moments of weakness that make me want to even defriend her on facebook (free from those status updates and old pictures, could I be sane again?)... because actions and memories and sometimes even hobbies are all still linked pretty strongly, (it seems like you still think about it といわれちゃったed and it was painfully obvious and true) what am I to do? But I am tired of wondering, thinking, wasting my time here consumed when I could and should be out experiencing. So with the circles and perhaps pursuing (to use one of Haskins' words haha) a couple of friendships, I want to see how well I can adapt, forget, forgive, change... and maybe become a better light for other people...

I need to learn more about myself, what makes me tick, what really influences my likes and actions and wishes, if I don't examine especially in this period I don't think I can keep going. But I am slowly being reconnected, grounded in reality and this weekend has been really good for that, just gotta keep talking, don't forget I have the love and support of those around me, get to work stop being lazy and Explore!(Oh how that program, those people changed me!) everything there is around me in this wonderful, wonderful world.