Thursday, December 17, 2009

Out-loud thinking for research proposal

So I realized today that while the workload seems relatively light for my non-Japanese classes, I am going to have a billion independent research topics, presentations, and papers due at the end of January/beginning of February -- and also that I decided to take a one week break from classes in January, which also means no work is going to get done!!! Ahhh!

So today, I went to the library to check out some books for my sociolinguistics research proposal, which is to investigate the effectiveness of the English-only language policy in SILS. In terms of what I really don't know, and unfortunately at one small section of the library my scope expanded far more than I thought. This could be graduate school research material haha. I need to ask the professor if there has been any major research on SILS since it's inception (obviously there was a lot that went into planning it's design, need to find that as well. Might have to look through Japanese research @__@). Also I have crappy luck, and hate the Japanese abhorrence for lateness; here, you don't pay a fine for overdue library books, instead they bar you from checking out books for two weeks!! So much more of an annoyance/bother/obtrusion/面倒臭い!!!And just when my resolve had settled to do all this research and read all these books, I get hit when I will not be busy at all (I need something to do on my plane rides too lol). Just realized I will need to buy presents for the people I'm going to see.... hadn't thought about that... Also need to right about Taka's birthday, Nagoya, and Rakugo, look into SILS internships, WAVOC, yell at the travel agent for my Seoul ticket, post the transcription from my presentation on friendship inside SILS, about joining a Yosakoi circle and also transcribe the notes I made for myself on my phone during my first days here. Just reminding myself but don't know how effective that will be.

Anyway, gonna write down everything I wrote down on my hand (should've just gotten some paper...) before it fades away, expound on my ideas later and use this as a platform (start) to narrow my focus for the term paper and presentation. Then get started on all my other work -____-;; And hopefully use Sunday (my birthday) for a little traveling around the city and buying the gifts for people (I am a terrible gift giver, btw... and that reminds me, need to tell Haskins to tell his mom about omiyage and つまらないものですけど which I should have used as a teaching oppurtunity that night. There was an extremely similar situation in one of the books I looked at about JFL learner's interactions with their host families -- the Japanese think those kinds of expressions are limited to them!! I guess it doesn't help that there are a lot of people who are impressed with their own gifts but...)

Anyway, the list! Before I get distracted again. Some are book titles, some are quotes, some are vague references to topics I found in some of the random books I pulled out.

  • Teacher learning as Language Teaching (don't know what this means anymore... maybe "in" instead of "as"? So maybe this book was just interesting for my professional development lol)
  • L1 (first language) classroom use (use in the classroom): obstacle or resource? (aka L1 in the ESL classroom, representing freedom, rebellion, etc. Negotiating classroom interaction) [Specific Book: Resisting English imperialism in English Teaching]
  • difference between 日本人 and 帰国生 in terms of language use within SILS, people to be interviewed are Sao, Tatsuya, Ray/Johnny, Nao
  • World Englishes
  • "Expressive Japanese" -- book title that sounds like it can brush up my language skills. Also will be applying myself more to using the language, studying, and interacting with Japanese people. Looked at a book on language study strategies, and it was actually pretty enlightening. Near-native fluency, it said, is usually achieved within 5-17 years of study, if at all (apparently it's rare unless you go into something that demands the language ability), and I'm already on year 6... or 3, depending on how you count lol but that's just to make me feel better -____-;;
  • Features of Japanese: is there anything special about it that would make the fluent speakers want to use Japanese during the classroom? During presentations, friend groups, speaking to the teacher, etc (Comparison to ESL classrooms, there was a book that went in depth into a group of Tamil students, who when asked to either make the lines for or describe a comic and do a sort of presentation (a presentation of sorts lol, gotta remember to use more complicated grammar patterns every now and then, in Japanese too! Ingraine that stuff man), translated the comic/lines, discussed it in depth in Tamil and what they wanted to do, and then when done made the presentation in English. It was a lot more in depth thinking than would have been if it had just been in English, so is there something similar that goes on in SILS? lol and what does this say about English ability of students involved???)
  • SILS students' English ability; confidence (and hesitation: 何言ったらいい? and other small utterances) and being unable to speak (not proficient in) English by the time of graduation. Also if Japanese education style -- in other words not asking questions (apparently an asian thing?) -- is prevalent from the teachers as well, or being combatted at all
  • Is there a reward/punishment system for using non-Japanese languages? (for example, in elementary schools)
  • Am I going to look at students other than Japanese who are not native English speakers too?
  • SILS role as international escapism (something like that, in one of the articles from Godzilla class) for Japanese women, and men too, and if there is any effect on 就職 or the types of companies that students apply for -- although the job market may have changed much more quickly than the publishment of that article...
  • SILS as an immersion school of sorts for older students; can look into effectiveness of this method, and things like bilingual education. Indeed, one of the strategies for gaining good profiency in a language is studying abroad (for grad school for example), where you can take course work course work in the language; basically what so many international students are doing already in the US -- I wonder what the market is like nowadays for places like Japan and China (in terms of US->there interaction)? anyway, there was an interesting question in one of the books, something like "Who is really being immersed" in an immersion school? And are there negative consequences on the native speakers who attend immersion schools, as teachers use simpler grammar and sentences to avoid complications in the classrom? Also, to reach the near-native fluency level, I read it's important to study but also to play, and increase the use of grammar and vocabulary you use and learn, and that's especially the kind of thing study abroad is good for. There are also people who have never studied abroad but have reached the highest highs of language ability, and what those people did was to surround themselves with native speakers in their home towns, in effect creating a study abroad for themselves at home. Very interesting. (Also a sort of similar thing to remaining in your own ex-pat community... something I think is really bad and should change about international schools... if I work for one, I would probably request to be sent to live further away from those communities...)
  • Are there non-native English speakers other than Japanese in the English classes? What are these classes like? And what do Japanese students who don't have the requisite English ability do during their first few years at SILS?
  • Could do a sociolinguistic description of the social structure of SILS, going more into the divisions between and within the SP1, 2, and 3 categories. Which means more interviews with students.
  • Is the language use within SILS simply learned (socialized) usage? i.e. what is "appropriate" is learned through sempai-kouhai system, ostracization from peers, acceptance by teachers,
  • Teacher talk: Bilingual accomodation for non-native speakers in the classroom, and also the teachers themselves when they are not fluent.
  • Why use English in SILS? (Back to planning and "immersion education") Is there an encouraged type of English being spread?
  • Am I going to look at the use of languages other than English and Japanese? (Chinese, Korean etc, even though Japanese or English becomes a lingua franca when groups from diverse backgrounds get together)
  • "The limits of my language are the limits of my world" Ludwig Wittgeister(sp?)
  • Need to look up the giants of sociolinguistics
  • Language use as a purposeful means of inclusion or exclusion of others (language accomodation from ex french-english english-tamil when tamil speaker says hi to tamil and english-tamil responds in french to keep conversation going)
  • Effect of the presence of 商学部生 on language in SILS building
  • something about 国際化
  • Translation theory and 通学, different relegations of language for specific functions (ie to describe cultural contexts, or whether students think in japanese or english when talking)
  • Corpus and status planning inside of SILS
  • What questions do I want to ask students on the survey?? This will impact the kinds of responses I get, as well as whether I should provide Japanese translations/versions to each of the questions... Also have to see what I would do with those and how many I would want to give out... and whether I should talk to the 商学部生 or not....
So yeah I've exhausted the list (or what I can read of it! It's a bad idea to write on your hand, especially messily and in hairy areas lol), not sure if I should post this or not (someone might steal ideas or some undesireables may find this blog because of so many references to the school ><;;), but I don't think I will ever see this again unless I post here lol. Need to expand more, refine ideas, and talk to my professor about what I can do. Of to eat! Sleeping early, and Nagoya pictures uploaded soon, and finally getting my 再入国許可! 授業忘年会としての食べ放題 and lunch with Tomi~

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Getting Old

Today, for the first time, I have really wanted to talk to -- not just talk to but talk to talk to -- a random girl for the first time. I still feel... dirty, disgusting, perverted...

I was exploring the area near the station, looking for some good restaurants (hehe why may come later, may not :P but Theja will be proud), nearing the end of my exploration when I first found a cheap Singaporean restaurant (how ironic? random?), and drifting away to somewhere where I could satisfy my hunger and retain my good mood, and found a relatively cheap place specializing in pasta. I wasn't too sure about the quality of the food from just the pictures, but I noted that the alchohol -- which was strong! everything was 40-60% -- was pretty cheap. I decided to keep moving, hurry on back home and cook something, but when walking past the window I took a peek inside, wondering about the atmosphere, and saw her.

So pretty.

All alone at a center table for 10 but the kind that anybody can sit down at, with a plate of pasta, noodles, and one of those drinks, looking slightly down and in her own world.

So pretty.

I made up my mind then and there, that I had nothing to lose and was going to go talk to her.

"Are you alone?"

I had nothing to lose, I was hungry anyway and worst-comes-to-worst I'm still eating in a nice place.

"Mind if I join you?"

And slowly,

"Do you know what's good here?"

the weight of what I was about to do started to press down upon me.

How on earth do you start that kind of conversation in Japanese?

That momentary pause, a small bit of hesitation is what let me regain control; I wondered why she was there and made up my own backstory for her, before I could even raise my foot to begin to step towards the door. Feeling sorry for her (she had just been dumped by her boyfriend, I decided), I knew the best thing and what she really wanted was to be left alone for a while, and with that I took off for home, every now and then casting reluctant glances over my shoulder.

Of course back at my dorm at 230 am, alone again, I'm kicking myself for ruining my first Love Hotel (I have a vivid, wild imagination... On wanting to go back to my apartment, since she lived with her parents, I would have had to have lied and said my commute was more than three hours, so of course I had missed the last train, upon hearing she would spit out the name of the place we were going... of course, she might have been, probably was a student too and by the time that conversation would have taken place there would have been no need to talk about missing the last train, so it really does just go crazy!) experience, but at the same time so glad for that pause... It's a light feeling, it really is, I know this kind of thing doesn't and shouldn't matter. But at the same time, I feel like I'm finally getting old, growing up, starting to act like a "man", and... I don't know to feel about that, or if this kind of thing will happen again (will I again have the strength to walk away? I think of Love in a Fallen City and am amazed at how much that book has influenced me). The dating field has appeared and suddenly the sharp distinction I had drawn between wanting to be good friends and wanting to get involved with someone is getting fuzzier...

Maybe it's only in my thoughts but, man she was pretty.

Friday, December 4, 2009

微妙に残酷、冷静じゃないけど

I'm kind of amazed at how easy it still is for me to take joy in the pain/troubles/hardships/insecurities in the people that have hurt me...

This is in response to something Mel wrote (damn you fb feed, although I admit I always wind up losing and take a peek at the page...) about math, which reminds me of something she said -- something I didn't understand at the time and have wondered about since -- about why she wasn't going to continue with physics...

Anyway realizing that once again, it's kind of scary.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

....

There's at least 2 people in the dorm with swine flu; gotta watch out!
Lunch tommorow with a bunch of korean people from the dorm
Today was "date" at mcdonalds :) wonder how things will turn out
Went to check out an eating challenge place, found it and the food portions are ridiculous and super expensive but I still want to try.
Missed the google japan presentation, would have been more practice but after the death penalty thing I'm tired. There was also one on international relations today but I didn't know anything about it...
More yoga tommorow, hopefully! Midterm monday though, gotta start studying!!
Updated my chinese pera-kun and now it doesn't work anymore -___-;;;

Travel plans almost complete!!

Monday, November 30, 2009

今日

今日は、久しぶりに友達じゃない女を抱いた。 まぁ、友達が作っていた映画のシーンだったけどさ

「会えるように祈って!!」って答えも来たけど、それもコンテクストがあるからさ

でも嬉しい

Sunday, November 29, 2009

><;;;;;; 気が散り安過ぎ。。。

:( Still haven't finished that report....
but people were playing chess today! Stopped and watched.
Mahjongg soon maybe?
Bought a lot of manga and cd's (most of which I found out I already had -___-;;;) for cheap yesterday, someone needs to keep me away from libraries and bookstores. But I do like the Kita-senju area, surprisingly. One of the manga was Mushishi, so I'm slowly getting started on that one... Not too hard cause I know it, and I think it will actually help with kanji like one of my senpai said...

Monday, November 23, 2009

Weekend

Ahhhh so I had a really fun weekend but haven't had time to post about it yet... This week I'm really busy with stuff I have to do, and also stuff I volunteered to do -____- and trying to trip plan and buy tickets before prices go up.... but I will update eventually and get everything done I'm supposed to be doing...

ganbatte! jiayou! fighting!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Phoenix

So, just when I thought I had conquered it, culture shock rises again, is reborn in another form or maybe it's all the same and I'm seeing it for what it is now, I don't know. But I had always thought I was better than those people who had to be reminded they weren't in America anymore...

I talked to Tomi and she had to tell me, "You're not in WU anymore." and before then it hadn't hit me, but I've been trying to re-create my lifestyle back there over here, subconsciously or otherwise, in terms of everything from food to friends to activities... I never realized how much I had, how lucky I was to have come to WU -- I mean before I had, but this is another level, another way... -- until that moment. It was so nice to have someone to talk to about it though, the differences.

So I'm going to kill this one, too. Make peace with the fact and really follow my own advice -- I just gave some to a freshman friend here, will find and repost it later -- and get out and have fun like I'm supposed to be. Of course I'm happy that I'm here, have done what adventures I've done and met the people I have and realizing something I've wanted to do for the longest. It just... hurts a little more, thinking that I chose to come, I left, I did this by myself to myself...

But I have people here and way over there behind me, so I know I too, can save myself, turn this into something positive, rise from this depression. Wish me luck! I'm off to yoga for the first time hopefully for some reflection and relaxation.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Refreshing Dissapointment

I called home yesterday, and it was good talking to my grandparents and nephew, but I missed my sister AND found out things are basically still the same which left me on an extremely sour note.

I finished that report last minute, was extra late to class, which incidentally let out early as soon as I got there, and then found lots of mistakes in my own work, which really let me down after getting chewed out for being late (again). Today I was supposed to meet a friend (I am hesitant to call her that but also wary of my own jumping to conclusions mistrust of people) on the pretense of asking something (I was going to ask about a homework project...) but really to catch up because it's been over a month or so since I've saw her, but apparently she caught a cold somewhere between this morning and an hour before we were supposed to meet.

I had just arrived at a comedy show and maybe can ask someone else for what I wanted to ask (although it's pretty specific, about what the international groups due to stick together when the international students leave, and also about Japanese dating and sex culture but those kinds of things always pop up on their own when I talk to people ;) ), but still it's like "wtf? I even dressed a little お洒落 today..."

Not to mention the comedy show, which was billed as mostly English but some Japanese, turned out to basically be just some random guy talking about his thoughts about how bad the Japanese comedy industry is, and how hard it is to be innovative and the history of English (ie American) comedy. THERE WERE NO JOKES. Well actually there were, but they were all videos of old comedy shows that he showed, which for the most part weren't funny, so I feel even worse for the people who are/were actually interested in the performance or finding out how to do comedy themselves.... So I really wasted my time. (I did find a 文学部生 specializing in Genji, which was kind of interesting... but I walked farther than I wanted to...)

But even so I feel refreshed. Somehow, at this time when I normally want to die (by which I mean collapse on my bed sleep deeply), I suddenly feel like I have energy, , don't have much work, have time for all the things I want to do and need to catch up on, and a lot of other good feelings. I'm going to get my multiple re-entry permit tommorow (I'm not going to Korea this weekend like I thought I wanted to/could have...), I talked to Yang the other day!, can start making plans for Korea and Taiwan (where I'll get to meet up with a lot of friends over the winter break!!) and Singapore tickets are really cheap right now too!, am saving money sort of, can finally finish a movie I've been "watching" for weeks now, feel like I'm making a lot of progress in Japanese ability, and making good friends here... so I guess maybe that's why. But still, it's very different than normal, my heart is a little lighter than I think it should be, I have a little more hope and will (resolution? I can't think of the word). Maybe it'll be like this from now on. I don't know. I can't say I'm exactly happy, but this is better maybe.

Will see Tomi-chan tommorow!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Dokkoi Dokkoi! First Kabuki Experience tommorow!

Tonight was the Soran Bushi Ushiage, the last official gathering of everyone as a group. We went to お好み焼き食べ放題 and 飲み放題 (same one as before), only this time the number of people was smaller so it was sort of more intimate, but really hmmm sad just because it was the end of our Soran... I wish we had practiced more together, and hung out more together as well during the past month and really 仲良くなったed but this will be the base for some really good relationships from now on.
After dinner we went to karaoke for maybe 3 hours which was fun but my voice was gone (again, maybe I'm just not cut out for singing?).
Today it rained from the time we met until now, sort of playing on the bitterness of saying bye and see you later and let's meet up at school, but I know it's up to me to not make those words empty.

I also interviewed two friends (who happen to be sisters!) for 口頭表現 and while I definitely should have prepared more specific questions for them, talking for the most part freely was really nice, and I lost track of time (although some people would say that's easy for me hahaha).

Although, I get the feeling that it's sort of like what someone (I forgot who it was...) told me a while ago -- even though we knew each other for a year or so, and she felt like I knew her well, it was hard to get to know me, or she felt she didn't know me that well. That's something I still haven't figured out too well.

Monday, November 9, 2009

So I'm doing pretty well on my posting continuously (no real content today, sorry!), but I'm endeavoring to go to bed by 1 and then eventually 12 consistently. Then I'll be on to variety and cheapness in my food (I bought SO MUCH PORK really cheap but it was TOO MUCH D: I've been eating it since I went to the not-so-filling suprisingly lacking in variety shabu-shabu/sukiyaki tabehoudai which was like 4 days or so ago D:

I also made myself a list of people I need to respond to just on facebook, and was surprised I had missed a ton of people; I really need something much better than a planner that I don't write in and a phone I never hear ring to remind me of all the things I need to do easily... Have to give a recital (huh?) for class tommorow, a few paragraphs of stuff we are supposed to memorize, and just thinking about my memory I'm cringing at what will come tommorow. But it's a start for me, OMG I JUST FORGOT WHAT I WAS GONNA WRITE THERE WTF

The thought that interrupted was something about going to the library today and checking out books which I am hoping will save my English ability and teach me something as yet another baby-step to preparing for the diplomat exam I might not even take haha, gotta start planning for travelling during the breaks, studying for the GRE, and JLPT stuff... also MULTIPLE RE-ENTRY PERMIT. GET IT!!! And call home and other people ><;;;

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Good, full day

So I woke up thinking and speaking Japanese today for the first time -- was I dreaming in Japanese too??? I imagined the people and games for next years Explore... -- which is a good sign (I ruined it though haha, as you can see), and I'm taking that as a sign that yesterday was a better day than I thought.

It was the first day of Waseda-sai, and in the morning I met up with a friend, Sayuri, I had met on the noodle making trip and we went around and ate and did a couple other things, didn't really have an objective in mind so just wandered around. I thought she had less time than she did from what she had been saying in her emails but she wound up having two hours lol. We went to go see an aquarium, where we ran into Cleo who accompanied us until Sayuri left (She asked if it was じゃま (basically a date) and I think I might have denied a little too strongly :P) (oops I just realized I was supposed to go see her Hawaiian dance show this morning... DX). We went to some crazy thing where I thought it was Green Action-esque at first but it turned out to be either a psych experiment or a cult... apparently there's a lot of cults... But it was interesting, seeing how they tried to use scientific looking things -- posterboards, varied "research", examples -- to show how holding your hand over something causes it to rot?? and taste different and other magical properties. Something like that, anyway, I didn't really say anything because I felt like I had seen something like it before. Cleo was hilarious, because the guy's talking didn't have much of an effect on her -- I've been wondering if brainwashing through words can be transmitted even when there is a language ability gap, but possibly it was just another case 外人向きの日本語, which apparently happens even unconsciously. I thought it was funny, afterwards Sayuri was commenting on how it was a shame the guy was crazy/in a cult if he really believed that stuff, because he was apparently a really good talker (I kind of saw this but all the other people running the booth were kind of the same way...) and I'm guessing she thought he looked good too haha, but I just thought he was weird.
After... I don't remember what we did, but there was a power-ranger esque show that I remember... hmmm I dunno what else... but something happened at acapella and Sayuri left and then me and Cleo split up. I went to a couple of drama shows, one was all the plays were themed about hospitals, which was AMAZING, and then there was another one in the drama-drama place where I don't think the story made much sense... so it's almost like the more serious actors (the second was by themselves, the first was a whole bunch of groups putting on individual plays) were worse... but anyway I might join a drama group here (OH YEAH there were some really hot girls in those drama clubs XD) because I've decided I want to start a drama club in Japanese (and possibly get other people to do other languages and then put on a show!) and less related a prep-course for taking JLPT 1, but it will be good experience and hopefully expand people's interest in the Japanese department and offer yet another venue for Japanese speakers on campusssss.

But I am getting off topic and want to go eat really fast so I'm gonna hurry up. After Waseda-sai (it ends around 4 or 5 pm each day wtf!), went with Chung, Shi, Leo, and a new friend Angie to check out the "all you can eat buffet research society", we went to a shabu-shabu and sukiyaki place in takadanobaba which had a special for 1680 yen for an hour and a half. The restaurant was extremely spacious and nice looking, the food was good quality if lacking in variety (at least the eggs haha, I should have stolen some. They made me wonder if the red eggs really taste any different or not from white ones...) Anyway the people were kind of old (there were two girls but they had extremely white faces, like the kind of cream you put on I think... lots of make-up... which was like what???), it was a lot of guys so the girls got hit on a lot haha, the conversation was ok (people stopped eating when they were talking... fail....) (I got gaijin-nihongo-ed by one of the main guys when it was really just a vocabulary thing.. he used lots of giongo (or is it gitaigo??) I forget the word but stuff like we say a pig says oink when it really doesn't.) and I was like wtf?? Cause he would repeat the same stuff but slower lol. It felt at times like one of those formal dinner societies, and other times like a gokon... umm.. dating party??

Anyway after dinner the five of us were walking back, but we decided to go to the park and drink, the girls got tomato and vegetable juice, I got calpis soda, and Leo got some kind of normal beer, plus some snacks. (We also stopped at Mr. Donuts on my request lol) On the way we stopped in this really funky shop, think hot topic but much more underground, varied, and cooler, I wanna go back sometime. And then we went to the park and just talked for a while, until it was time to rush through the park so Angie could catch one of the last trains back home. Angie is really interesting cause she's aspiring to be a comedian in Japan, and has a drama group so I think I'll be checking that out but she's really nice to hang out with. I am wondering what all languages she is good at but that's another topic I guess?? But yeah the park and the walk afterwards was a great end to the night, very relaxed and I hate the word but genuine conversation (not pretending to be nice kind of thing like Eri has on her profile) maybe frank is a better word... I dunno... anyway my English is disappearing kind of and forgetting your native language has become a really real thing to me suddenly. but still FTW nihongo as the means of communication.

Off too cook some meat and shower and go prepare for Soran Bushi todayyyyyyyyy wish me luck (I never liked the breaking legs thing...)

Oh also I will be appearing in the Waseda newspaper! (did I write that the other day???) Anyway I will be looking out for it haha, can't believe it's this easy to get in it....

Friday, November 6, 2009

Hmmm I should think of titles before I right stuff. Dokkoi dokkoi!

So I apparently I will be appearing in the school newspaper... it's about participating in a hike around to six area universities as one of few international students, and mostly I think to encourage other international students to participate in it next year as well, but still!! The interview was in Japanese so it was a learning experience in expressing myself and how much farther I have to go...

Speaking of which I realized how much easier it is to advance in a language if you have some training in it/some of the basics down. I want to learn Guang Liang's 如果你还爱我 before the end of the year, and on nciku the other day I found a Chinese, translated, and pinyin-ed version of Alice in Wonderland which I was actually inspired to use as a text to learn. (I should have sprung the extra $100 for a dictionary that can do Chinese ><;; but I was too cheap...); thought recently about how easy Spanish would be because of English synergy, and saw a friend learning Korean through a Korean-Japanese text book (double the study!!). I realized I can pick out words and basically repeat them from Japanese and even Chinese songs, but while I can sing some Korean from sheer repetition I have no idea what it means. So I need to find a way to study or buckle down and actually get through the textbook I bought. I am also going to get serious about studying Japanese again, I checked out a lot of books and stories last night to study from; listening I think is my only strong point (I was acing most of the practice questions from the JLPT 1 CD I checked out), but even then I still need to expose myself to more and more words....

At the library here you can't check movies out... the reason is because you can copy them, which was exactly what I was intending to do hahaha, but it also means that it's hard to find anything good to watch since you can't look through a series of cards or aisles... So I think for Japanese movies I will either have to watch them online or rent them from the store. Either way I will be watching on my laptop so I guess it doesn't make too much of a difference, but still it's a little disheartening.

I have only a few more Korean and other movies left to watch on my harddrive and then I can go hardcore into improving and speaking to people. I don't know if I ever wrote about it, but I read a theory that the way we learn language is from hearing it in context and learning from how other people use words. It's kind of scary to think that maybe all these expressions are really just samples being selectively played back (maybe with new context and meaning, but you know how they say no idea is original!), but it would explain then, why my language use (writing style at the very least) is easily and tell-ably (I can't think of the word!!!! I've had so many of these moments... at one time I thought it was impossibly to forget your native language as an adult, but lately I haven't been so sure...) influenced by whichever book I read last, how babies learn to talk, and why my English ability notably degraded since I started hanging out with Emmie and them (just kidding!!! hahahaha. Although certain expressions like FAIL take the place of a lot of dialog, along with something Fagan used to say... I don't remember what it is though.)

Off to check out some more CD's (going to reformat my ipod soon, too much English and Epik High, not enough Japanese!! I want to start my day in Japanese from now on.), get to reading and translating and studying kanji. Tommorow is the first day of a huge festival (actually I think I might go to the opening ceremony for it tonight, which means I need to go eat now...) But yeah, something is happening and I'm taking off lol.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Tears falling for lies turned upside down, lives turned inside out

Tired, cold, and wet after a long but fruitful search I took a wrong turn on my way home, passed by a bunch of run-down bars with seedy dark-skinned characters leering out the windows, and saw a row of homeless people, each inside his or her own mattress, taking refuge from the rain under an unnamed bridge. Even though I am lucky to say that it is by far the scariest sight I have ever seen, it's not so far from home, so the ride home seemed too long and my room seems colder than the rain. I am a little afraid of what this means and what effect it could have on me, but I don't want the memory to fade...

So today I finally admitted to myself that I am addicted to reading the funeral pages of people I don't know. I am still amazed at how the internet, but more specifically facebook, has become an outlet for the emotions that come with death and a way to keep a person's memory alive in your heart. The first I stumbled upon was Justin Yeo, who really only people from the class that graduated this past year knew I think, but there have been others (just now I was reading the facebook group for a girl named Grace Yu, which is why I thought of this topic). It is interesting that some people, particularly those who seem close to the person, use the present tense and/or give life updates, even if incredibly short or seemingly insignificant; I've even seen apologies for inconsistent writing (it was more than that, but still). But whoever the person is, without fail I cry at the testimonies people leave. Even knowing I will (tears are falling as I write this, not something I can help but I guess it's been an emotional day) I still read on, which is why I said that I am addicted. I have been blessed never to have been touched by the death of someone close to me, so maybe that is why, but I always receive a new perspective on life, and it is a constant reminder for me to try and be a positive force in the lives of the people around me, even if through the power of a smile every now and then. That's the only kind of life that I can think of as fulfilling.

Today was Haskins' first full day in Tokyo, I feel pretty bad for not having things planned out so well, not being able to really get out and have fun, to realize the sort of "magical fantasy land" Tokyo that may or may not be here. But still talking with him is/was good, and it makes me glad to remember that even with time and distance we still have a lot in common, still trust and can share with the other.
Melissa (I feel like I've started to use a lot of names lately haha) came up again, this time in response to my envy ("iinaa..." is how Haskins put it) of a few of my friends' situations and how much better they are handling them, of the potential they have and the outlooks they are taking on things (how much wiser they all seem!), but upon closer inspection those situations are totally different, right down to their motivations. They both seem to be pointing at the same thing, telling me something like so many things do nowadays, but apparently I'm good at ignoring those.
But anyway what I realized, or again admitted to myself, was that I am good at lying to myself for so many things, whether to protect my own feelings, forgive myself for being lazy, and especially to excuse the actions of others. All that needs to stop. And so, I made my decision. I WILL COLOR MY LIFE WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP, if only to remind myself of the overwhelming importance of friendship. No more running away, I will 強くなる。
He asked, will you still try to be her friend next year? And the answer I gave was I don't know. I've thought about all the "options", way too much, that was when I was going crazy, but the two big things that came into my mind then were "Is it even possible?" and "Even if it is, will I want to (is there, was there anything there to begin with?)?". And with that I find myself wandering down those halls of memory, guessing, wondering, dreaming, lying, again caught in one of those moments of weakness that make me want to even defriend her on facebook (free from those status updates and old pictures, could I be sane again?)... because actions and memories and sometimes even hobbies are all still linked pretty strongly, (it seems like you still think about it といわれちゃったed and it was painfully obvious and true) what am I to do? But I am tired of wondering, thinking, wasting my time here consumed when I could and should be out experiencing. So with the circles and perhaps pursuing (to use one of Haskins' words haha) a couple of friendships, I want to see how well I can adapt, forget, forgive, change... and maybe become a better light for other people...

I need to learn more about myself, what makes me tick, what really influences my likes and actions and wishes, if I don't examine especially in this period I don't think I can keep going. But I am slowly being reconnected, grounded in reality and this weekend has been really good for that, just gotta keep talking, don't forget I have the love and support of those around me, get to work stop being lazy and Explore!(Oh how that program, those people changed me!) everything there is around me in this wonderful, wonderful world.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Old messages...

So, as I was searching through my gmail to label all the things I've sent myself to watch, I came across this, which seems like I've never posted, so I decided to post it here. I don't know when it's from (sometime around the election, but I have no idea when that was), but I do remember writing it and some of the emotions that came with it.

On a related note, I found something that Melissa recommended me to watch, and I am struggling to decide whether or not I should actually watch it, whether that decision has anything to do with her (whether I would make it mean something like that) and some kind of possibly misplaced nostalgia, or whether I just want to see something good. For now I've labeled that email as well, but who knows if I'll open it again.

I also found an old conversation with Yuka around the time we broke up, which is really ironic or interesting or something because I was talking with Haruna the other day, and yeah hearing about your actions from the other person's point of view is always interesting. (It's not always cultural differences, either!) Makes me really appreciate Wong Fu's "See Through" even more than when I watched it earlier today.

--------------
(the first, unpublished blog post)

Obama is going to be president... it's a little surreal...

As the days pass and the nights get longer, my room gets lonelier and lonelier. I can feel myself trying to avoid it and especially trying to avoid eating candy and things that will force me up into the night, trying to watch movies/Japanese period dramas to fall asleep... I am getting more and more tempted to ask someone to sleep over once to hopefully alleviate some of my apprehension and have some good conversation doing it, but it's such a strange, embarrassing request I don't think I'll have the guts to ask it any time while I actually need it.

I found out the scholarship I wanted to apply for (for learning Korean) is due in a few days, and I don't really have any close faculty I can ask for a recommendation letter, which I've found is a problem. But, I'm going to ask a few of my teachers if they would be willing and go ahead and apply for it anyway, just in case. I think it would be an amazing oppurtunity, and actually will help me in my goals and open up a pathway to a possible career.

I've been trying to keep track of the time I waste and use it more effectively, but (nan to naku) suddenly my work seems like it's more than I can handle. Got to work through it, give up some things (like the movie tommorow T__T, which I really wanted to see), get other things cracking. Destroy those weak, time wasting spots and get some effective study skills.
Today I took ~3 hours and went to get free ice cream, pizza, and cake, all of which was intended for people that actually voted. I hate telling people I didn't vote, or pretending like I did so they'll go away. I actually wind up making different stories to tell people, but I'm luckily none of them actually talk to one another, haha. But anyway, that was a pretty good study break.

Apparently the way I hang out with girls gives people the absolute wrong impressions. It is kind of unnerving.

That letter is still getting written, by the way. Hopefully, it'll be done soon.

Sore de wa,
(back to work)

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(the second, a sent mail to Yuka, different from the conversation I mentioned but from the same time period)

you can't ask me the favor now?
i need to talk to mel, we're supposed to celebrate finals being over with ice cream and that korean movie the "The King and the Clown". you should watch it with us on veoh or something ^_~ you'll like it, it's a good movie and one of the main character guys is really pretty. he's giving you a run for your money, haha (jk. he is really pretty though).
so anyway i will talk to her and tell you what time i'll be on later, k?
have fun meeting up with Chuan-wen!

-----------------------

So I realized that blog post, and most of the other ones with it, probably wound up on another blog I had been keeping before this one. But I don't look at that one nowadays so it's refreshing and frustrating to try and measure how much I've changed from those points, snapshots of the past me(s).

(For the record, I asked the only person I really trusted/yearned for then to stay over and it was a weird request and because of past actions it didn't happen, particularly because it needed to be in my room; I didn't apply for the Korean scholarship because I actually did get even more scared about asking teachers for the recommendation and passed it off as something that would not allow me to work over the summer and would hinder my progress in Japanese, but it's something that I am regretting now and probably will only have one more chance for after senior year, even though that interferes with so many other plans/ideas of things I could do; My time management is still non-existent, although now I believe it has something to do with the time I shower, in that maybe I've tricked myself into subconsciously thinking that once a shower has been taken it's time to get to work, and particularly on a day like today where it's 6 pm and I haven't been down to take one yet, it's very detrimental to health, relationships, and work ability)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

疲れた。。。

この頃、四五六時に寝るものです。どうしても、宿題をせずに、誰にも話さずに、音楽を聞きながら、同じサイトを回ったり、次の日のなにをしなくちゃいけないことを考えて戦略を作ったりするということ。
すぐなんか変えなきゃあ。。。自転車を買っちゃったから、それを薬として、この町を体験・探索しに行くつもり。

もう、十分の一つが飛んで消えた。

それが、なんとなく怖い。

自分がやりたいことを見つけるため
友達を作ったり手伝ったりするため
心・精神・思想を打ち解けるため
常・知識を得るため

もう、今までの命の間違うやり方を変えてみてゆく。

自分を大切にする。友達に頼られる自分になる。何事もあきらめない。人に優しく、自分に厳しく。常に壁を越える。
飛び出すよ!この十ヶ月のように

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Fate. Promises. Journeys. Friends. So little sleep the world is starting to spin... Goodnight, but I do wonder how sleep deprivationeffects the psyche

So, I haven't made much progress on my Japanese. Need to focus more, I guess, be more willing to speak up and test and of course go back to my summer self, watching dramas and listening to music and repeating everything I hear and reading for fun and looking up random words in the kanji dictionary while spending hours translating single pages of random books I find. What happened to that me, so so long ago (it was only summer...)?

Things were very bleh for a while, with me forgetting nearly all of the important things that I wanted and/or needed to do (I STILL need to get my re-entry permit argh), which meant everything from parties and circle stuff, connecting someone to people back home, to replying to emails, setting up my bank account, even stuff to receive a scholarship! So I was very "blur" for a while, to borrow a Singlish term, cooking and eating at 2,3,4 am and sleeping at 5,6, or 7 simply to enjoy my own solitude, which never amounted to anything productive. I screwed up and forgot to change my class registration, so I had to say goodbye to my 3 day weekend and sign up for 2 more classes with a pretty heavy work load (for me at least, and comparatively probably so). Everyone told me classwork would be pretty easy, and I guess it is? Only I managed to get myself into classes where there is a lot of work @__@ or at least a lot compared to my expectations, relying on the people who told me I would be having a ton of free time (well I messed that up for myself, but yeah...) Actually the class I was guilt-forced (self-induced) to sign up for is actually a good class, on Japanese writers after WWII, and the teacher usually gives the original Japanese along with the English translation, so I can compare. I have a translation class, but I have met some serious translation majors (Russian, their Japanese is really good), some people who are just ... really good.... other people are beginners but learning the basics much faster than I did, people of various levels so I find myself intimidated and inspired at the same time. Can those be conflicting emotions?

I have 2 classes with Japanese students: one Judo class, and one class about how War is and has been taught in the Japanese education system. Judo class worries me because the instructor talks like an older man (he is an older man...), but I can't understand most of what he says. We only had one class, but still I was intimidated to ask some of the other students what was going on; this is the first year study abroad students can take classes with regular Japanese students, so I am sort of a 代表, representative for the future generations... (I think the people in my level are generally better at Japanese though...). The War class troubles me because, I can barely understand the material, much less form my own opinions about it, or prepare an answer while trying to catch what all is said. We have LONG readings in this class, first was 30 pgs and second was 40, IN JAPANESE. I should have expected it, I guess; it was one of the few classes left, after all (haha). But a friend is in the class with me, so we will tough it out somehow. My Kanji class is really close to the level I want to be at right now; to prepare for the JLPT it will go over a lot of 重要常用漢字, but to really master the material for the test and hope to conquer the highest level, it's recommended that we go into the next highest level; it's all the same teacher, and she is incredibly, unbelievably amazing; knows her kanji and LOVES it, puts so much work into the preparation and makes us learn because we want to. It's an inspiring teaching method, and I hope that I can talk to her one day soon about it. Unfortunately that next highest Kanji level is at the same time as the War class, which is absolutely unmovable, undroppable for any reason, so I am left with the proposition of toughing out this level (it will be tough, but I cannot imagine being able to balance the work load I have now with the additional stress of learning more than triple the kanji I am now per week...) and taking the next level next semester, and studying on my own possibly for the test (or just giving up on the idea lol), or study HARD over winter break (when I should be enjoying traveling) the material from the next level and hope that I will be able to jump up to the highest level that we have (I wonder what kind of people are in that class...) and CRAM CRAM CRAM for that test... I also want to be studying for and taking the GRE while I am here, or at least prepare enough to where I will be able to do it back in the states like no problem, so there's the added burden of english vocabulary (I think that's the biggest problem I will have, although I forgot what the other sections are besides math... maybe a subject test but that would be overkill maybe...), and I STILL need to go to the American embassy....

Anyway, basically I am not used to going to school anymore so HW and focusing is still rough... very rough... and I am once again allowing myself to sit inside my room and rot when the least I could be doing is enjoy the day -- which is where my determination to buy a (totally unneccessary, although maybe I can squeeze some savings out of it) bike -- but that was making me pretty disgusted with myself as well; Did you really come here for this?? I would think to myself, unable to ask or answer.

So the Typhoon came. I stayed up too late again and slept through practically the entire thing; when I woke up the skies were clear and beautiful and perfect. So of course, I decided to fester for a few more hours indoors (I don't watch tv on my phone or even any of the dramas on my harddrive anymore... I don't know what I do. Lately showers (keep in mind now, they have pump action) take me upwards of an hour, which is absolutely ridiculous by my standards, except for when I purposefully did it in the shower after a particularly bad practice or soccer game, just standing and absorbing in the heat, lost in thought, replay and imagination...) and had a sudden jolt at the realization that TODAY was the last day to turn in the form saying that you would go to a pizza party with the advisors. Since I'm all for free food, in looking for the form I checked my brand spanking new school email address and found that I had completely MISSED the deadline for a scholarship sign up; and so, a MONTH'S stipend had washed down the drain. Depressed, particularly by the completely opposite responses I received regarded my inquiry into the matter (whether I could still get my money or not, basically; but it's a good thing I went with my instincts and sent two emails!) I ran down to the school in a panic, got everything settled (except for my housing bill but that's another story), changed classes which was a real hassle and ruined my weekend (I would have had a FIVE DAY WEEKEND THIS WEEK. SOB.), among other things.

OK I just realized, my sense of time is very off (I think it was during that entire period as well as now, as I am running on 2 hours of sleep for two days full of walking... but anyway I'll be quick, and yeah a lot of that stuff should be separarte evetns. Girls have such a good memory... like, they can discuss what other people wear... kind of intense. But anyway, on typhoon day I was coming from the school, or maybe my dorm, sometime before dark, on my way to buy a bike. I barely get outside the dorm then a random guy on a bike should come up and ask if I was an international student. I said yeah, why, and he explained he goes to Waseda too and was interested in some kind of cultural exchange with international students. At this point I could see that he was weird and progressively worsened my Japanese in a bid to be polite but still get away. I gave my friend a lot of crap for not being able to deal with creepy guys on the metro back home, but maybe she has a similar loss of words/thoughts. He started asking me stranger and stranger questions, like if I did sports (I had my sportport soccer shirt on, and he wanted to show me some sketch soccer team within his own club), and otherwise paid WAY too much attention to me. Later he asked me about religion and I kind of mad up something/half said the truth; I mentioned that among other things, I sometimes read the bible as an academic text, and instantly he seized upon that opening to invite me to his bible study. He kept trying to get me to say I would go, and even resorted to pulling out his phone as a subtle hint to exchange numbers (I would have hella 断るed this guy...) but all of this was over 5 or 10 minute conversation, and just as I was about to basically run away from this guy (he was heading the same way I was...) TOMI WALKS UP and recognizes me (she had just seen my haircut on fb haha). I was so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so happy to see her!!!! She'll get her own post tommorow, but right after we got away from that guy (being Japanese and refusing stuff... must be hard haha..), she told me the DEAN of the school had told her to stay away from political activist and religious groups on campus. Clubs here are intense (need to write letter to Martha), but apparently they are like Scientology in inescapable society terms...

Monday, October 5, 2009

Should be doing hw...

Finally sat down and finished Okuribito. Beautiful, beautiful movie. It left me with a deep respect for both the caretakers and the departed and now I kind of want to be buried that way... not sure if they still do it that way though, or if you can find someone that puts the same amount of heart into it, not just ceremony/ritual (although it's changed my view on the role of ritual as well...)

Some of the themes in the movie twisted my heart, and while I know things may not turn out all movie-esque it's making me wonder:

Can you ever truly forgive someone who has abandoned you? Not just forget or reach a point where you don't care anymore, but really, absolutely forgive?

For me it seems a faraway goal I'm not even sure I want to reach...

Friday, October 2, 2009

ARGH

I am annoyed with everything, all the time. Even the things about my friends I know I liked a few days ago ><;; But trying hard to fight it.

Also I learned tonight that women really are fickle! So difficult... (hahaha I guess I can laugh about it now...)

Went to Akihabara to look for a electronic dictionary without any preparation... so I spent $4 to go and eat a $1 crappy convenience store apple pie, try the $1 McPork at mcdonalds (which was delicious) and drink a bit of the disgusting coffee they gave for free for some reason, and walk around for 3 hours lost and confused @___@

Now is time for homework, not sure how much of that will actually get done...

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Homesick... Culture Shock

I'm really starting to enjoy cooking... the only problem is the kitchen only gets completely free after about 2 am, so I've been up til 3 or 4 am most of the week, getting less sleep than I do back at WU... and being all alone on the 5th floor, listening to music, gives me time to think I found out tonight, about everything... I wish I was back and think about all the mistakes I made before coming and all the oppurtunities/salvations/simple actions I let slip through my fingers over the past few years. But I realize this means I should buy a bike and get out of the dorm more, get more sleep and do my work, make some friends, learn some Japanese...

I think I just really hate having a roommate, even the idea of it now haha after hmm 2 bad years of them. But my current is pretty annoying... He likes to leave the giant window open to bugs... and when I came back to the room tonight it was 19 degrees C = 66 degrees wtf!! 80 F is my ideal room temperature, so I'm already compromising when it's 22... And also he pretended he didn't speak english when I first met him... that really pissed me off (rather than hey, let's speak Japanese together like I was planning on...) so I haven't talked to him since I found out really haha. But yeah. Next year, single please!

Gah need to wake up in 3.5 hours for health check, group presentation, bank account, join yoga, soran bushi (traditional japanese fisherman dance, look it up!), hanging out with friends (maybe...) homework homework homework...

Friday, September 25, 2009

Going places...

Everyone around me is so good at traveling! I need to start going places...

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Personality Splits and Other Acrobatic Moves I'm Learning

I'm starting to hate English.

Not like I didn't before but, I'm actually starting to dislike using it. I suppose that's good and I should be happy, but I can't help feeling that it's bad simply because I don't like the... let's pretend and say 'proficiency'... that I have in it.

That is to say, I've had experiences -- sad, trying, fun, and joyful -- in my life, just like every other person, but only in English. It's kind of scary to think that I have never experienced something that lasts strongly in my mind (as a singular moment or span of time, something I can isolate and review over and over) in Japanese, and only have a kind of lump sum impression of the random things in Japanese that have happened over the past few weeks (whether that's not having enough sleep or 飲み会・公園パーティのせい I don't really know)...

Even yesterday, I was talking with another American (in Japanese) about the election, and trying to translate that and the emotions with it (basically SARAH PALIN IS AN IDIOT AND I AM EMBARRASSED THAT SHE WAS EVEN CONSIDERED TO BE PLACED IN A POSITION TO POSSIBLY BE ELECTED TO ANY PLACE OF POWER WITH CONSEQUENCE [because who knows what happens in Alaska??]) I was getting heated, but it was pure frustration at not being able to express it easily.

Which brings me to my point. I think the English me is somewhat depressed. Remembering good experiences is great, but there are also recent bad ones, ones I thought were fine or I had already moved past but that only got worse the closer I got to leaving... Those unraveled threads, the things I couldn't or didn't bring myself to tie up, easily bring me to tears now that it's too late...

But the Japanese me can't do that kind of thing. I don't have the experiences or the vocabulary to express that in any way, or put the emotion behind my words; sometimes that's liberating, and other times I feel trapped. For instance the other day, someone in reference to supposing me モテモテ (something like popular with the ladies?) asked "Why don't you have a girlfriend?" My answer was I'd like to know why too (a lie), and that anyway being friends with someone was more important than that. That was it. The overall lesson I thought I had finished learning over summer and that was painfully drilled into me later on (as if going over multiplication tables in the 30's or taking a post in the military [heh how ironic that comes out... stupid connections...]), summed up, painless, uttered and mostly forgotten.

So I don't know what I should do. I somehow feel more free to go out and do things and can ignore that trapped feeling, but the iminent threat of one day being able to express myself (I'm taking classes on that exact topic. Wheeee.), to feel, is well, scary. Would I become restless, move on to another language and simply drift through people and interactions with them, however shallow? Or would I someday find a language or frame of mind to conquer the darkness? Contrasting struggles brings to light Kingdom Hearts...

"I've been having these weird thoughts lately.... Like, is any of this for real... or not?"

"All worlds begin in darkness, and all so end. The heart is no different. Darkness sprouts within it, it grows, consumes it. Such is its nature."

"Although my heart may be weak, it's not alone. It's grown with each new experience. And it's found a home with all the friends I've made. I've become a part of their heart, just as they've become a part of mine. And if they think of me now and then, if they don't forget me, then our hearts will be one. I don't need a weapon. My friends are my power!"

"Now, open your heart, surrender it to the darkness!"

"The heart may be weak. And sometimes it may even give in. But I've learned... that deep down there's a light that never goes out!"

"So you have come this far, and still you understand nothing. Every light must fade, every heart returns to darkness!"

A little out there but still extrapolating the feeling of choice that I have at this point in time; simplifying too much maybe but feels like there are only 2 choices, and maybe I'm already walking down the wrong one, or worse sitting still. "The remedy, for memory..."



I think that's why this song scares me and one of the reasons I appreciate Epik High and Nell so much, their ability to capture emotion, sometimes in only a few words. Will I move that way too? I can feel myself trying to, even just a little.

"I've... learned how to smile... Even when I'm feeling sad."

"Guard your emotions first"

"No matter how dark the night, morning always comes, and our journey begins anew."

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Phones & Odaiba

Got cellphones the other day, took nearly the whole day. Afterwards got some groceries and cooked (well some of the girls cooked for me haha since I didn't have a clue what I was doing...) curry-ish stuff with vegetables and meat. Overall I spent too much money for that meal -___-;;

Today was the Tokyo tour; I really wanted to go to Akihabara and Roppongi (which wound up being a trip to the Emperor's Palace), but went with my friends to Odaiba, which I really only knew as a popular date spot. We got there (round trip it was 1000 yen gurai...), it was crowded and had to eat bentou for lunch (another 600 yen...) and pretty, nice beach but then the shops aren't so fun for me; spent that time with good people though, so it was ok. Afterwards there was a nomikai so went to that, another 2500 yen(!) and afterwards was another 200 for snacks for the park (which the police politely busted up); so basically I spent a lot of money today. Glad the banks are open tommorow hahah, although I will need to find a job soon or won't be able to travel. Going to bed now, it's nearly 3 am. Check fb for picture updates :) Tommorow is bank account, and possibly teaching english pronounciation to a drama club... and anything else I remember I'm forgetting... gonna start using that planner for real hahahaha.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Oceans. Sand. Trees. Owls. Shadows. Tears. Love, and pain. Slow Motion. Dreams. Nightmares. Slow Motion.

It's nearly 5 am, I've been up all night re-doing my schedule, finally finished, read One Piece and found the new Epik High album and now I'm waiting for itunes to back up the files -- I upgraded because I had to for my shuffle to work, and I hate it... so slow -- so it looks like I might not wake up at 8:45 like I want to. For some reason it seems like my body is kind of used to this, getting too much sleep one day and going without it the next few, eating all day one day and eating nothing the next, despite exercising and all that. Can't say it's healthy.

What I can say is, like I've heard, Epik High has pulled another genius talent from somewhere. I was so worried they would collapse when they went independent, but the quality of music has only improved, and hopefully big names will be able to collaborate with them soon so they can get the recognition they deserve. They're pretty inspiring.

I've still only watched about 30 mins of Okuribito, but I'm still stunned by the camera work. Still haven't bought mine, that will come when the class does as well I guess, but it makes me really want to try. There are cell phones here with HD cam recorders built in, others with 15 megapixel cameras, others you can use like a Kindle and read books on, and even the cheapest you can watch t.v. on. What's with the huge difference between here and the US? So much for the benefits of capitalism when people are complacent with what they have, or just lazy.

My schedule is gonna be pretty close to what it was last year in terms of class hours; I'm a little worried about the work, whether it's what I have to put in to catch up or not, even though everyone tells me not to worry. Regardless, I have Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays off, so hopefully I will be taking a lot of trips. I had considered going for no class Thursdays too, but that would have been too much work and cut off too many interesting classes.

I'll have to remember to read all the directions whenever someone gives me something in Japanese now, cause this is at least the second time it's cost me a lot of effort from not fully understanding the directions, and one where I struggled on trying to correct my own mistake. Guess it's still kind of weird for me to ask people... hmm... regardless, here's my classes:

Topics in Sociolinguistics: Language policy/planning, multilingualism within communities, etc
Reading Comprehension 6 (numbers are on an 8 scale)
Comparative Cultural Studies: something about Europe and Japan, I forget though
Yoga
Kanji 6
Translation Advanced Theories (I've never studied translation, only attempted it in class and almost as a reflex when listening to people or songs, so I don't know how this will go...)
Judo for Self Defense (I really wanted Folk Dance, but it's not offered this semester...)
And hopefully, something like "Japanese society through popular song" from the post war era to the present day; it was so hard (boring, tedious) searching through the course lists -- in Japanese -- to find this so I hope all my effort was worth it.

As you can see it's a lot of playing for me, and I need to email back home and see if I will be able to get any credit for this. It's completely different from what I had planned haha, but then again I'm taking a lot more actual classes than I thought I would be. The Waseda schedule is kind of awkward... there is an hour or so between 2nd and 3rd period, so it leads to some awkward gaps in my schedule... There were a lot of interesting classes that I cut out or didn't even consider, because of their awkward times (one class I really wanted was on Saturday at 2 pm or so!!! wtf??), but hopefully they'll get better times next semester.

Itunes is almost done so I'll be cutting it short. I am hoping that I really put my weekends to good use; I'm excusing myself today because I just got it, but it's extremely easy to spend the entire day in front of the computer...

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Kindred Spirit

Hmm, since reading Chang's post the other day I've really been wondering what it's like to meet someone really like you, if not the same personality then the same kind of trying experiences regardless of how they were transformed by them (for some reason Naruto/Gaara comes to mind first -- is that bad, or just an orthodox childhood? [btw that last chapter killed my respect for Gaara's character development.... I'd rather forget I read that]). But anyway, just discovered something of a kindred spirit in that regard. What's upcoming isn't why, but proof that I have a long long way to grow to reach even a point probably long past for people my age. A little extra self-reflection makes room for growth though, huh?

"What I do know is I cannot remain as I am, bitter and entrenched by my memories and my pain. I do not want to live out my nightmares that plague me during the night. Life is too wonderful for that. God is too powerful and loving for that. I will see what I can do. I will change. I will grow."

Long time....

So I realized I haven`t updated in a long time... Still trying to remember and type out my first 4 or so days that I logged in note form on my cell phone, but that hasn`t had much progress... Still don`t have internet in my dorm either, so it`s a pain to even attempt lately, much less get pictures and etc.

Today I went to Harajuku, and aside from everything that happened, I realized two things. One, lots of girls in Japan really know how to dress. And two, unfortunately the way a girl dresses has a huge affect on my initial attraction for her; if I don`t pay attention, it`s easy for me to spin in circles in a place like here, to add onto the confusion I will already have just from being in a crowded place. Unless it`s legs (well and a couple other things maybe haha) though, I treat it as purely/mostly an aesthetic kind of appreciation. Face (ie prettyness) and age and sometimes sex don`t really matter for that category I guess; I found myself thinking a group of probably middle schooler`s haircuts were all really cool/fit their styles and outward personalities...

It`s interesting, really, thinking about clothes in a serious way like this for the first time (I usually just reflect on the lack of choice guys have in wardrobe and whether that`s a bad or good thing...). But yeah, enough for tonight. Tommorow is the SILS opening ceremony (yay?), I`m supposed to register for some classes or something, trying to finally get a phone, and finding that RA of mine to get my internet done. Hopefully everything goes smoothly, and even this plan I have to save some money by buying groceries works out. Banks are closed til Thursday so I`m testing myself and seeing if I can hold on to $100 by the weeks end; money goes way too fast in this town, especially fro someone whose pockets throw cash to the wind (BTW I HATE JAPANESE COINS. I`ve lost a lot of money to unreachable spaces underneath store cabinets and such... coins go up to $5 so they can be a big deal, unlike in the states. I bought myself a special wallet thing just for the coins in the beginning cause I was losing so much, but even that isn`t working so well to keep me on track...).

Also, I started watching Okuribito (Departures). So far the cinematography is wonderful. Only a half hour or so in but I want to finish it soon; also need to find some more Owarai, I can watch that stuff all day even when it`s not that funny. For some reason it`s got magic over me... Ok ok too much English for one day. (Wait! Chang! I wore my SOK shirt and people have been asking me about it all day :D Ok bye for real now haha).

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Last Thoughts

I'm about to leave for Japan.. still can't believe it's actually happening.

Kind of second guessing, wondering WHY I CHOSE THIS, why I am leaving behind so many amazing people. (Looking back at this blog, it's amazing how thoughts change over time; so there's still hope for me yet, and some situations I have found myself in, I guess.)

Every few hours or so I have been getting a wave of texts from friends old and new, close and still approaching, encouraging, well-wishing, saying goodbye. It's amazing how many of them give me the strength and conviction to go through with this, while at the same time creating an anchor for me back home, that at the same time makes it harder to leave.

Tonight's dinner party was great, and there were so many pictures taken. I am wishing everyone got to know someone a little bit closer tonight, and made a new friend; but most of all I am glad to have seen everyone together, brought my family a little closer to my life away from home, and maybe given my friends a new experience, hopefully something that they can look back on and cherish. I'm excited to hear all of the developments that come from my friends and family as the year goes by (I know it will be quick!), and I will try to use this to keep track of some things that are happening with me. Who knows, I might continue my path of don-don becoming a better person...

Now I need to run and pack, my flight is leaving really soon. My mom set an alarm and it is going off, interrupting my thoughts and forcing me to get to work. It's chilling, almost scary, that sound... and will keep going until I take care of it and everything else I need to be doing.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

擬人化or擬人法 (どっちか分からないけど笑)

六七年間も持っているサッカーシューズにまた惚れている。

大学に入ってからこの二年間に一度もサッカーをやったことないのに、運動もあまりせずに生きてきたから体かなり変わった(=弱くなって太った)のに、肺活量もなくなっちゃったのに、そのサッカーシューズに入ったら、高校生の時代に戻る気分って言ったら違わない。。。

ランニングいつでもできる(トミちゃんのせいで、また気に入っちゃった)。いますぐサッカーやりたい。それ以外の思いまったくなく、近所を回って行くということになるんだ。

家に帰って、靴脱いで、のんびりしたら、変だなぁって

でも今晩・明日・毎日またやりたい。変じゃない?

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

文化っていう事があるのを忘れて、ある国を眼鏡で見なくても何か分かるのかや

Hmm so it's been a long, long time since I wrote anything, but there's also been little to no progress in work, summer goals, or anything of the like.

I did start reading a lot of Japanese books the other day -- there's one, 日本語とジェンダー (Japanese and gender) which is really fascinating; actually there's a whole bunch related to the topic that I checked out, but this one particularly I had been reading for a while, wondering when the introduction would end and the real text would begin... and turns out I was actually reading the real text!! Books kind of oscillate that way -- from stuff I can read and comprehend easily, to those where even the skimming methods/shortcuts I learned from having to use the 文語辞書 in translations and etc occassionally lead me astray. So I kind of wonder -- and maybe it's a silly question, because the east asian library is chock full of scholarly material -- how to tell the difference in the level of a text in Japanese, and if there can really be said distinction made by the use of more kanji/harder compounds, or if you can achieve the same flow as a "simpler" text without going overboard on the vocabulary... ってかdo you miss something if you don't have those kinds of words??? And also how to build up that vocabulary, sentence fluency, and understanding of grammatical patterns to be able to do English --> Japanese translation and not just the other way around....

Those are the kinds of things that bug me when there's not something "real" going on, and when I'm not too tired/sick of zombie-ing through my days....

My pre-o begins Sunday!!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

A good day

So.... it looks like my sister is officially going to be in a new language immersion school opening up this fall, to learn French. Exciting, but now I have to add that to my list of languages... and I really don't like French....

Went to the summer party thing today with Monmon, most of the people there were in business so there wasn't really anyone to talk to... There was a guy who spoke Chinese and did some sort of trade/cultural sensitivity stuff for his business, but he came off as a showoff-y jerkwad (proudly proclaiming, "I asked because I am fluent in Chinese," right next to a Chinese girl ahaha), so I didn't bother to ask him more about what he did. I was kind of intrigued, I have to admit. But I'm not good at these social mixing things, I found, where you have to strike a balance between getting the person to talk about themselves (all to easy) and digging through to that internship offer you really want to have. (In that respect I guess I missed a good chance, but oh well. This door I willingly closed on myself.) We left the party early (there was some REALLY good chicken, and beef that was delicious with a Thai peanut sauce spread on it), walked around the town a bit looking at all the closed shops (everything but restaurants, and I re-found a cool place to take a date, the basement of a restaurant called Miso - although getting the right spot (there are a few secluded ones) to make it more romantic could be a challenge) and eventually ended up at Straub's, looking at stuff from the bakery and fruits/vegetables like we hadn't seen them in months. :)

I started playing a gba game called Advance Wars 2, and was thouroughly addicted. I think, if I had to join the army, I would rather be a tactician giving orders from the back, according to strictly registered rules and statistics, and not just for fear of dying :P Anyway I stayed up almost all night playing the first stages of the game, experimenting and trying to find the hidden weaknesses of some of the units, even winding up finding a suped up version of one by accident, and promptly zombied my way through the first real day of my internship on a good hour or so of sleep. Then went to the party. Update list of the stuff I need to do coming soon.

Need to work on that problem some more. Stay at it!

Saturday, May 30, 2009

真読、どっち?

There are times when, in written language, I am not sure how to read something, what the thoughts behind a sentence, a link, a quote, an inside-joke are supposed to mean. Not being able to ask straight away, feeling way too awkward to ask for an elaboration (the reasons being so far too silly to go into) and as if I should be questioning the intent behind it, I write an equally cryptic reply, or maybe I am seen straight through. How strange!, this text-based world we navigate in.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Life gets hard

Good news today:
Brother's graduation, an awesome friend is coming back here for med school!, tomorrow will be a fun day with another good friend.

But one piece of info I can't help but zoom in on in a message from a person I've been waiting to hear back from, and everything crashes down, my head is filled with the negativity I'm notorious for, I feel like I can't function. I should have taken a chance a long time ago, listened to advice from myself and friends, taken the initiative. But I feel like I'm going crazy, and don't know what to do about it, and feel like I might make a huge mistake any moment now. Hopefully I can talk about it with someone tommorow. Why do I torment myself like this?

Monday, May 25, 2009

Being at home is hard

An encouraging quote I heard on a commercial the other day, that's getting me excited about study abroad. The same is true for college, or at least it used to be:

"Isn't it funny, when we go someplace where nobody knows us, we become most ourselves."

Here's that list of stuff I want to do this summer:

  • Find my book from Japanese Lit. I'm getting upset about this.
  • Sheldon art galleries -- thesheldon.org
  • Clayton Farmers Market (Done and it sucked)
  • Art Museum -- general collection and weekly gallery talks -- slam.org
  • Jungle Boogie at the Zoo -- stlzoo.org (Still a little too kiddy? Need to find the right band maybe. And that dancing lady goes to it @___@ she ruins everything for me now... Who the heck is she? And why is what she does legal again?)
  • Missouri Botanical Gardens -- the garden itself, Garden Party Nights, and the Whitaker Music Festival -- mobot.org
  • The Muny -- muny.org
  • Drive-in Movie Theatre Date
  • Twilight Teusdays at the Missouri History Museum -- mohistory.org
  • Contemporary Art Museum -- contemporarystl.org
  • Pulitzer Foundation for the Arts -- pulitzerarts.org
  • Laumeier Sculpture Park -- Music and film evenings --
  • Cahokia Mounds
  • Citygarden Opening (at Plaza Frontenac??)
  • The Hill
  • Metro -- Ride from Shrewsbury to the other end (across the river), also see what's around the Maplewood Stop
  • File taxes from the past 4 years or so
  • Taiwanese Heitage Week at the Science Center
  • Gain listening comprehension of Spanish and reading comprehension of German , learn to read/write Hangul
  • Skype some important people
  • Steady exercise program, which includes biking (biking completely through Forest Park (so pretty)! and possibly Moonlight Ramble), running, weightlifting, push/pull-ups/crunches/sit-ups/supermans/cores
  • Keep up with Chinese, possibly buy 2nd year books for study
  • Learn 1000 漢字 (= buy the 4th year book from the bookstore -__-;;) and sucessfully keep a written journal in Japanese
  • Ted Drewes/Mr. Wizard's
  • Cook
  • Hang out with other STL people
  • Go Hiking
  • Build Tent, camp in backyard
  • Pack up stuff want to keep in boxes, throw everything else away
  • Watch a lot of movies
  • Wake up at a consistent time (as of now 8 am) and be moving by within 30 minutes of awakening
  • Keep up on music, dramas
  • Learn about American culture
  • Read all the books in my pile
More to come, hopefully? Or maybe, not so hopefully. Hehe.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Failing so far in the "Do Something with Your Summer" plan, but hopefully that will start to change tommorow. Got a bike finally, and am actually getting out and exercising -- I hurt my foot the first day I ran, not from running but from walking in shoes too small and without any arch support, more suited for standing at parties and attempting to look cool than actually getting around anywhere -- so the bike is a blessing, and I'm losing some of the weight I put on this year from so much self-imposed stress and non-exercise.

(30 minutes later)
Anyway, I need to get out of here, an incomplete list of stuff I want to do this summer is soon to come!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Reply and some other stuff

It's really nice to have older friends. Like she says, this 4 month vacation, I can't waste it. The trouble is finding something to do with it, and how to learn about myself and my culture, in a way I will be able to talk about it if neccessary and as training for finding those gems in another, one I am supposed to have been learning about? Going beyond language ability -- what is ability if you have nothing to express? -- I need to figure out how to do that.

------------------------------
(reply/返事/反应開始)

How do you reply to people's posts on this?
It was broken into paragraphs haha, I just forgot to space them out.

But yeah, don't worry Chang. I haven't seen any (read: much :P) bitch-like behavior in you. Besides I couldn't abandon you if I wanted to, you're an integral part of my HOLY SHIT I NEED MORE GUY FRIENDS initiative ahahaha.

What that was was me venting about struggling with this and talking about a few relationships with only a few groups of people; time, for me, is one of those things you can make (no matter how 'busy' you might be) and when you spend it with someone it's one of those basic ways to show that appreciation you were talking about.

I guess I wasn't really clear, but basically, I have a lot of relationships where if I'm not around, I'm not even thought of, unless someone literally wants something done for them, and I'm more or less the only one that can do it for them (and the people that do the wanting are even fewer in number). To even be noticed I have to come around; I've had conversations where, after a bout of self-induced seclusion, I come around and people say something like: "You hadn't been around in a while. I was worried," which not only includes their assumption that everything is fine now, but they didn't bother to go to me if they actually were "worried". And then you get when people claim they are too busy to do something with me, only to have me find out they spent time doing ridiculous things and putting off work (if they even had any), which happened even with my best friends this year. It took me so long to figure out I was sick of it all and it was making me unhappy. Not to mention I almost screwed up everything this year grade-wise and ruining my chance to go to Japan, which is basically all I'm looking forward to at this point (I should have gone to Shanghai this summer too). It's a lot of hope to put into something, but I realized that as sad as it sounds, I will only miss (想念)a handful of people and 3 absolutely amazing teachers, and most of my "missing out" feelings will be that I won't have the chance to get closer to a few people I find really interesting, and events that will be happening (especially helping out with Heisei. I've been excited for the club to make some changes and here there are coming (hopefully) and I'm not going to be around to see/make sure they happen)...

There was even one girl who, in the midst of all my unhappiness, would approach me at the times she would run into me on campus saying things like she was waiting for me to come to her; I couldn't tell whether she was just trying to get in my pants/looking for a boyfriend (those freaked me out for a while and is a whole 'nother issue and another story), or just wanted to be friends, but I could never tell her I wasn't willing to extend myself into another relationship where I would have to do that first, even once. (Besides, reflecting I feel like the minimal energy she was expending was enough for her to take that next step...)

So yeah, I got into one of my "game" playing moods and well... it's incredibly easy to cut these kinds of people off, but it's a really bitter feeling.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

I'll be empty til that day....

Man, it's 12:30 and here I am sitting in the living room at the table in the same position I've been in for a good 4 or 5 hours because this is one of the few "convenient" places to get wireless internet for my laptop... and I wind up staring at this screen largely looking at nothing, chatting away to far-away friends and waiting minutes at a time for responses or to type them. And I wonder why I'm tired of this existence, and crave for it when I'm not here.
I finished watching Speedgrapher today. It was a disappointing ending, though that's certainly how I feel about a lot of things lately. It got me thinking though, about money, greed, power, compulsion, sin, indulgence -- and how sickening a lot of it really is. But also a lot of it turned me on (no pun intended) to this sort of thinking, and with my worst-possible-outcome thinking attitude, those type of things are the first to jump to my mind now. I notice sometimes, just how much the last thing I've read, watched, or been around effects the way I think, and I wonder if it's why I've been turned onto food so much, the people I've been with. Even though I know I've been able to resist and am turning myself away from many of the things that were just leftover impressions on me from other people, breaking away and preparing for my time abroad and trying not to worry about what will happen when - or if (there it goes again, that thinking of mine) - I get back.
Speaking of, I've been really sick of these one-way relationships that seem to plague my life, where I am the only one that makes the time, or effort, to go and visit, care about, and spend time with a person when there is not some sort of direct benefit masked behind false intentions. I tried that once and not only was I unsuccessful (that happens with inexperience and when the opposition is a recluse, I guess), but I was pretty sickened by it. I understand, and basically have made exceptions for a few people who are incredibly important to me, who not only save me from myself but actually worry about me and check up on me when I'm not around and who let me know I'm missed, and for a few people I think I used to know inside and out but may not deserve it, but even those have become painful and I feel betrayed and distanced everytime one of them gets into a new relationship, or I see them interacting with someone in a way much more familiar than they can with me, when I see someone else has taken a place I feel I belong, when I'm not even told about a situation and left to deduce it myself, and not told the whole about a situation one I have deduced it, well I've been getting pretty fed up about it. And so I've been going back to the way I feel like I should sometimes, playing one of those little games with people, seeing what happens when I stop taking the initiative, or rather, stop the entire relationship by halting everything from my side, and seeing if the other reacts, or notices at all. So far the results have been extremely disappointing, as much as I want to say to myself those type of people don't matter and don't really do anything for me. The other day I was wondering why my first semester this past year is an incredible blur (much more than the usual blur everything turns to), aside from a few choice classes and a few choice homework assignments and a few choice events, and I realized it was that while I was trying to get one of those people I thought I knew well to return something to me, to acknowledge me and dedicate some amount of time to me, I was also trying so hard to go out and cultivate a place for myself, a place that really didn't work out or care about me, and which more or less screwed me over and left me with, well, nothing. Or problems to solve.

Got distracted by the hipster grifter -- I'll finish these thoughts another day...